MRS. RADIGAN 



MRS. RADIGAN 

HER BIOGRAPHY, WITH THAT OF MISS 

PEARL VEAL, AND THE MEMOIRS 

OF J. MADISON MUDISON 



BY 

NELSON JLLOYD 

AUTHOR OF "THE SOLDIER OF THE VALLEY," ETC. 



NEW YORK 
CHARLES SCRIBNER S SONS 

1905 



Copyright, 1905, by 
CHARLES SCRIBNER S SONS 



Published, September, 



THOW DIRECTOHY 

PRINTING AND BOOKBINDING COMPANY 
HEW YORK 



CONTENTS 

CHAPTER PAGE 

I. THE FIRST CHAPTER AND THE LAST. . i 

II. MY FIRST GREAT SOCIAL ADVENTURE 
THE HORSE-SHOW WITH THE RADI- 

GANS 21 

III. A WEEK-END AT WESTBURY . . . 33 

IV. IN THE NEW Box AT THE OPERA ... 41 
V. MRS. RADIGAN S FIRST THURSDAY . . 48 

VI. THE MONDAY COTILLONS 57 

VII. MRS. RADIGAN CAPTURES Miss BUMP- 

SCHUS 65 

VIII. THE SMALL DANCE AT FLURRY S ... 73 

IX. OUR TALK OVER TEA 81 

X. Miss VEAL S ENGAGEMENT is AN 
NOUNCED 89 

XI. AN AWFULLY GOOD TIME 96 

v 



CONTENTS 

CHAPTER PAGE 

XII. WE INSPECT THE NEW HOUSE . . . 103 

XIII. WE Go SKATING AT EXUDO . . . 

XIV. EXIT PLUMSTONE SMITH, JR. . . . 
XV. MY DINNER TO Miss PEARL VEAL . 

XVI. MRS. RADIGAN S COSTUME-BALL . . 

XVII. THE DUKE OF NOCASTLE ARRIVES . 

XVIII. A PROBLEM FOR THE DUKE . . . 

XIX. His GRACE STILL HESITATES . . . 

XX. SIR CHARLES WIGGE TAKES POSSESSION 180 

XXI. PEARL VEAL S ANSWER TO THE DUKE 

OF NOCASTLE 193 

XXII. TUMBLETON TUMM, THE MlNSTREL . 205 

XXIII. THE WEDDING OF THE SEASON . . .215 

XXIV. MRS. RADIGAN BEING SMART, BECOMES 

CLEVER 230 

XXV. PEARL VEAL AND I 244 

XXVI. IN WHICH MR. MUDISON IN His 
MEMOIRS GIVES Us SOME INSIGHT 
INTO MRS. RADIGAN S SHATTERED 
ROMANCE 257 

vi 



CONTENTS 

CHAPTER PAGE 

XXVII. MR. MUDISON GIVES A THEATRE- 
PARTY FOR MRS. UNDERBUNK . . 270 

XXVIII. MR. MUDISON SEES MRS. UNDER 
BUNK AT THE OPERA 283 

XXIX. MR. MUDISON LEADS THE COTILLON 

AT THE TWITTERS 297 

XXX. AT THE RACES 313 

XXXI. MR. MUDISON is UNCOMFORTABLE 

BUT HAPPY 328 



Vll 



MRS. RADIGAN 

CHAPTER I 

The First Chapter and the Last 

WHEN I was in college, in that brief in 
terval between the foot-ball and the rowing 
season in which my mind was turned to 
books, I had dreams, very faint and illusive, 
but still dreams, that some day, when the 
four-year eligibility rule barred me from fur 
ther struggles on the gridiron and the river, 
I should fall to work and win fame. Even 
at that time I was famous. My picture was 
almost a daily feature of the metropolitan 
journals, and my weight, height, and chest- 
measure were solemnly recorded at regular in 
tervals for the information and instruction of 
the hundreds of thousands of students of that 
greatest of modern educators the newspaper. 



MRS. RADIGAN 

It cannot be frankly said that I looked for 
anything finer than this, but I did want some 
thing more lasting. Young as I was, I real 
ized that the great half-back of to-day is the 
coach of to-morrow, and the day after the 
clerk in a country store, or the garrulous bore 
who sits about the club and talks of games 
long since forgotten. So I cast about for 
fields where new laurels could be gathered. 
But how quickly laurels wither! How fine 
they are to the eye, yet as food how unsatis 
fying ! So I opened a real-estate office. 

I went into business after much delibera 
tion. Had I been born rich, secure in the 
possession of a home with a full larder, a 
full wardrobe, and a full stable, I should 
have preferred to take up brain-work and to 
occupy myself in one of the learned profes 
sions, but I simply could not afford it, and 
lacked that spirit of self-sacrifice and family 
sacrifice which causes men to give up all for 
art and science, and to go down to their 
graves full of honors and degrees, but empty 
of all else. To use a metaphor, mixed, like 
2 



MRS. RADIGAN 

all expressive metaphors, the pen called to 
me, but when I thought of Homer, of Cer 
vantes, of Goldsmith, of Johnson, of Poe, of 
scores of others, gentlemen all and men of 
art and learning, but frayed and shabby, the 
roll-top desk and the revolving chair seemed 
safer though less glorious. Fame is won easily 
with the pen, but to win money you must give 
more than words, however fraught with wis 
dom and beauty you must give yards of 
cotton, boxes of buttons, and tons of pig- 
iron and pork. Occasionally a learned sci 
entist discovers something that brings him 
riches, but, if he is a true scientist, that wealth 
is quickly dissipated in journeys to that murky, 
unreal bourne where the world s genius wan 
ders, groping, while the rest of mankind 
is eating grass with the animals. I wanted to 
wander, but was afraid. The thought of 
short rations held me back. Two roads were 
open, and I chose the easier, but the longing 
for the other way has never left me. Still, 
there is consolation, as there is consolation 
for everyone in this world, even to the Chris- 
3 



MRS. RADIGAN 

tian Scientist with gout. In life it is a com 
fort to know that when you are gone your 
name is still to live, that your bust will adorn 
some hall of fame, and that women s clubs 
will haggle over the meaning of what you 
have written. But to live in starvation and 
in ignorance of your own importance, to have 
the laurels placed upon a marble brow that 
is different. To be in bronze in a public 
square is well enough, but it is better by far to 
have yourself in the flesh in one of the broad 
windows of the Ticktock Club. Fifty years 
of terrapin and champagne are better than 
two thousand of honored memory. Real es 
tate offered me the fifty years. I chose it, and 
the wisdom of that choice becomes more ap 
parent daily. I know now that it profits one 
more to have his name signed to a thirty-foot 
front on Fifth Avenue than to an idyllic poem 
or a masterpiece of prose. 

Giving up all hope of fame and setting out 

to woo fortune, I elected to deal in lots and 

buildings because of the tremendous social 

opportunities that offered there. Fortune is 

4 



MRS. RADIGAN 

better than poverty, but fortune without 
fashion is little so. Fashion is ephemeral 
fame, and those thus famous treat the poor 
more kindly than they do the merely wealthy. 
So with fortune I demanded fashion, for I 
was ambitious and not given to half-way 
measures or rewards. 

You see I am frank. When I saw what 
would be the cost of a life of usefulness, I 
boldly set out to be smart. Perhaps my 
friend, Mr. Mudison, puts it more tersely 
when he places the proposition in the reverse 
way: If you cannot be smart, be famous. I 
knew that I could be smart. From my little 
office with its map-covered wall, from my re 
volving chair by the roll-top desk, I viewed 
the charmed circle, still very far off. But I 
viewed it with calm confidence that some day 
I should be of it. For me it had no terrors, 
for its history was written in the history of 
the country s industry, in the history of its 
railroads, of its mines, of its patent devices 
to make life worth living, and its patent 
medicines to make the living longer. Of 

5 



MRS. RADIGAN 

illusions I had none. I knew that life in the 
palace and life in the slum were of equal in 
terest to him who observed, that they showed 
him the same humor and pathos, the same 
vices and virtues. Snobbery exists as much 
in Harlem, in Brooklyn, in Jamaica, on 
Grand Street or Houston as on Fifth Ave 
nue. But if you are going to climb, it is well 
to reach that dizzy pinnacle where none can 
snub you. I climbed. Now I can drive a 
public coach, give a monkey dinner or a cos 
tume dance, and while the town jeers it envies, 
and those rail loudest on whom my door is 
tightest closed. 

You will notice that this chapter is entitled 
"The First and the Last." It is the last, 
because it was written after I had recorded 
the adventures that follow, for when I had 
reached the climax of the story of my life and 
that of my friends, I found that it seemed to 
have no beginning. And there was a good 
reason for this slight omission. Setting out 
on my own career, I believed that there was 
a story in every man s life, that the Italian 
6 



MRS. RADIGAN 

digging in the subway had as many hair- 
raising adventures as the hero of a historical 
novel; that the clubman who walked the 
avenue had as much romance in him as the 
sprightly fellows who step through Balzac s 
pages. The idea grew. The future might 
be unfolding my own story. So one day, 
when wearied of rentals and repairs, of sales 
and loans, daily duties that seemed dull, 
commonplace, and futile, I turned to my pen 
for relief and began to set before me in black 
and white the history of the week. The re 
sult was not satisfactory, but I had not seen 
my friend Mrs. Radigan for months, and 
my days had been given to business and my 
evenings to economy. I persevered. Time 
passed. My weekly records offered little but 
dull accounts of real-estate transactions and 
the cynical reflections of discouraged youth. 
Then she came again, and with her an ad 
venture. Dinners and dances, week-ends and 
weddings began to crowd themselves upon 
the pages that I scribbled off in this desultory 
fashion. I was right. A story did unfold. 

7 



MRS. RADIGAN 

And now I am putting first the chapter I 
have written last, partly to explain the ram 
bling manner of the telling, partly to provide 
the missing beginning. 

The beginning of the story was really that 
day when Mrs. Radigan entered my office, 
but I did not know it then, and made no full 
record of the event. My books tell me that 
it was in June, and my memory that the day 
was piping hot, a Friday, I think, for my 
partner had gone to Easthampton for a Sun 
day with the Van Rundouns, and I was left 
alone with the office-boy, cursing the fate that 
held me in town in such weather. I envied 
my partner then. Since, I have blessed the 
day, for it brought me Mrs. Radigan and 
life. He still visits the Van Rundouns. 

She came in a hansom. Standing at the 
window, smoking a cigarette, I was listlessly 
watching the almost deserted street, when a 
two-wheeler bowled up to the curb, and the 
scene offering nothing better only a few 
delivery wagons and antiquated traps full 
of families parkward bound I noted every 
8 



MRS. RADIGAN 

movement of the horse, the vehicle, the cabby, 
and the fare. The horse went down on one 
leg, forward, resting easily and drooping his 
head to dodge the sun. As Mr. Howells or 
Mr. James would say in describing such an 
event, his right eyelid closed and his skin 
shivered as he shook from him an insistent 
fly. The jehu opened the roof-window and 
bawled something. A parasol, a white, filmy 
thing, shot out in front, opened, and came 
toward me with a woman appended. I could 
not see her face for the sunshade. I saw only 
her figure, a large figure clad in summery 
things, gauzy, fluffy, in colors bright and 
cheery, yet subdued and blending with the 
day, a paradox of some Parisian modiste. 
The clothes, the carriage, the delicate para 
sol spoke of means, and instinctively I tossed 
aside my cigarette and, to be frank, posed in 
my revolving chair, for I knew that this could 
not be for the tailor overhead or the music- 
college still a story higher. 

The door creaked behind me, but I was 
absorbed in papers. Then the office-boy 
9 



MRS. RADIGAN 

spoke, and I wheeled to find her towering 
over me. 

u Scorching, isn t it? " she said, when I 
had fetched a chair, and she sat fanning 
herself with a tiny handkerchief. 

While she fanned, I observed. She was a 
large woman, not fat nor merely heavy, but 
strong and well-knit masterful, I said at 
once when I saw her face and could consider 
all. There was health in that face, color and 
life, but not beauty as we judge it. The nose 
was too broad and tilted up, the mouth was 
too large, the chin inclined to corpulence ; the 
eyes were small, but there was in them a twin 
kle of good-humor. Altogether I liked her 
immensely. 

Well," she went on after a minute, " now 
that I have my breath again, I shall explain. 
I am Mrs. John Radigan." 

Instinctively I glanced across the street to 
a great plate-glass window bearing in golden 
letters the legend that within was the uptown 
office of Radigan & Co., Bankers and Brokers, 
of New York, London, Paris, and Chicago. 
10 



MRS. RADIGAN 

The name of Radigan was synonymous with 
wealth the world over. It had become so 
with the last bulge in the stock-market, and 
now hardly a Sunday passed without some 
paper covering a page with the story of this 
newest of our great fortunes, of its marvel 
lous growth and its present lucky owner. 
From this I knew the story well. The elder 
Radigan went West in the early eighties with 
a tidy sum which he had accumulated as a 
book-maker. He had multiplied this a hun 
dredfold by speculating in worthless mining 
properties, and had quadrupled that in real 
estate and wrecked railroads. At his death, 
a few years before, he had left an estate esti 
mated by the popular writers at two hundred 
million dollars. Dividing this figure by four, 
as is necessary to get at the truth in such cases, 
we see that his only son inherited about fifty. 
But as well be on a desert island with such a 
sum as in Kansas City. The Radigans were 
wise as well as wealthy. Charming as was 
their home, they saw that it was no place for 
persons with millions. 
II 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Now you can come from Kansas City to 
New York to stay at a hotel or to exist. To 
come here to live, the way lies by London 
and Paris, Long Island and Newport. The 
dust of the plain is swept away by the Riviera 
breezes; London s gloom reduces the fever 
of life; Paris beats down the rough edges of 
the voice and the manner, giving finish and 
form. The Radigans followed the rule, but 
they hurried. They toured abroad, did not 
live there, and the dust still clung. 

You see, we have just got back from 
Paris," said my visitor, impressively. " We 
had a villa at Cannes in April, you know, and 
met some very recherche people there. Our 
apartment in Paris was most delightful, and 
we should have liked to stay on, but we in 
tend to make New York our permanent home, 
and thought it would be well to come over 
and get settled." 

" So you are looking for a house," said I, 
pulling a bundle of papers from my desk. 

" A temporary house," said Mrs. Radigan. 
" I don t see anything here that I should care 
12 



MRS. RADIGAN 

to live in continuously. We will have to 
build positively have to and Mr. Radi- 
gan is negotiating now for a block on Fifth 
Avenue. He managed to rent a little box on 
the hills near Westbury for the summer, but 
I am looking for something to exist in next 
winter while the new house is going up." 

" Here is just the thing you want." The 
plans were unfolded before her. " It is situ 
ated on Seventy " 

" I know," she interrupted. " That is why 
I came to you, seeing your name on the sign. 
A rather decent house on the north side, three 
doors from the avenue, with an American 
basement and " 

" French windows," said I. 

" And a Dutch roof exactly," she cried. 
" It is stunning." 

" One of the best in town," I declared with 
emphasis. " Thirty feet front, six stories 
high. It was built last January by Mr. Bull 
when he had wheat cornered. Subsequently 
the receiver sold it to my client, who took it 
on speculation." 

13 



MRS. RADIGAN 

" It is stunning, but small," said Mrs. 
Radigan. " I should not care to live in it 
right along, but we can all squeeze into it 
for a few months, till the new one is done." 

You have a large family? " I asked. 

Three," she replied. " My husband, my 
sister Pearl, and myself. We shall keep our 
boy Jack in the country." 

Why, you can have a floor apiece," I de 
clared cheerfully. " Just look at the ele 
vation." 

Mrs. Radigan raised her lorgnette and 
looked, but seemed to see nothing, though her 
gaze was intense and her brow knitted. 

The entire fourth floor, you see, could 
be used by Miss Radigan," I ventured softly, 
to arouse her from her mood of abstraction. 
" Miss Ve-al," said she, suddenly abandon 
ing the lorgnette and getting down under 
bare eyes to solve the mystery of the blue 
print. " Is that funny white line the design 
of the wall-paper? " 

" It s the stairs," I explained. "As I sug 
gested, Miss Veal " 

14 



MRS. RADIGAN 

" Ve-al," she corrected, looking up sharp 
ly. " V-e, ve a-1, al Ve-al. It s French." 

" Pardon me," said I abjectly. " Your 
sister, Miss Ve-al, could have " 

" Oh, don t bother about the old plans," 
she cried, gently pushing the paper from her. 
It gives me a headache to try to make them 
out. I m sure you had them upside down. 
But I ll take your word for it that there s 
plenty of room to live in. But how about 
entertaining? How can one entertain in a 
box like that? " 

There s a ballroom, as you see," said I, 
trying in vain to guide her eye to it. Then, 
on the same floor, you see a large dining- 
room, a fair-size music-room, and a very 
fine salon." 

" Well," she returned musingly, " as we 
don t know a soul in town as yet, I suppose 
it will hold all our friends for a while, but 
when we get in 

The new house will be done by the time 
you get in," I declared with considerable 
emphasis. 

15 



MRS. RADIGAN 

" Certainly," said she pleasantly, not com 
prehending the hidden meaning. Tell me, 
is that old Mrs. Plumstone s house next 
door?" 

" On the right," I replied. " The Heger- 
ton Hummings are across the way, and the 
Jack Twitters have the French chateau on 
the corner." 

" But some common people called Galle- 
gher are on the other side," said she. 

" My dear Mrs. Radigan," I argued, 
" some of the smartest people in town live on 
that block." 

" But the Galleghers might call," she vent 
ured after a moment of hesitation. 

" Do not worry," was my retort. This 
is not Kansas City. New Yorkers never call 
on their neighbors." 

"Wouldn t old Mrs. Plumstone? " she 
demanded, a touch of disappointment being 
evident in her tone. 

" Hardly." 

" Well, that explains it," she said with a 
sigh. 

16 



MRS. RADIGAN 

" Explains what? " I asked. 

" Not a soul around Westbury has been to 
see me," she answered. " Do tell me, how 
do people get to know you in New York? " 

They don t," said I. " The question is, 
how do you get to know them? " 

"Well, how?" 

" It s very simple," I explained. " When 
you are buying your property, see as many 
real-estate firms uptown as you can, for they 
have some very nice young men connected 
with them. All the cotillon leaders are in 
real estate or architecture, as dancing is a 
branch of their business. Then there are the 
brokers. Some of the smartest men in town 
are two-dollar brokers, and surely a great 
house like Radigan & Co. can make it worth 
their while to be polite. Why, there are 
dozens of ways you can collect acquaint 
ances in New York. It is easy if you know 
how." 

" But I did not," said Mrs. Radigan rather 
sadly. " It has worried me dreadfully, too. 
Sometimes, since we have been at Westbury, 



MRS. RADIGAN 

it has seemed as though we must be dead. 
Of course, one or two people there have been 
very nice, but they were not the kind we care 
to know. Evidently, you have made a study 
of society." 

" Not at all," I protested. " It just hap 
pens that I have had a number of clients from 
Pittsburg." 

" Oh, I see ! " she exclaimed, brightening, 
and, rising, she took my hand effusively. 
You are certainly awfully kind, and I con 
sider myself in luck to find you. You can 
count on us taking the house, and I hope we 
can count on your being there often." 

It seemed as though she was wasting no 
time about taking my advice, but there was 
no necessity of my enlightening her as to my 
own humble place. It would be delightful, 
charming, splendid, I averred, as we moved 
toward the door together. Simply social 
hyperbole, I thought at that moment. Truth, 
real truth, I vowed to myself at the next, 
when I happened to glance to the street, and 
there in the cab, gazing up at the office- 
18 



MRS. RADIGAN 

window with a frown of impatience, saw a 
girl s face. 

" I will see you to your hansom, Mrs. 
Radigan," I said gallantly. 

" Oh, don t bother," said she. 

" I insist." 

So I seized my hat, and a moment later we 
stood together at the curb. 

" To Thirty-fourth Street ferry," she 
called to the cabby. 

" The Long Island Railroad," I shouted 
at the jehu, wanting to be of service of some 
kind, and give reason for my presence. 

The girl leaned out of the cab. 

" I thought you were never coming, Sally," 
she said petulantly. 

This is my sister, Miss Pearl Veal," said 
Mrs. Radigan, not heeding her, but turning 
to me. 

I took the tips of the proffered fingers in 
mine, let them drop, and bowed. I stam 
mered something something inane, I sup 
pose, but the girl gave me a lustrous smile 
just the same. 

19 



MRS. RADIGAN 

;{ Warmish day," I ventured, more cour 
ageously. 

" Indeed," said she quietly, but still 
sweetly smiling. 

" Good-by," said Mrs. Radigan, holding 
out her hand. " You can count on me." 
You can count on me," said I firmly. 

And the cab rattled away. 

For months I did not see that splendid pair. 
They were often in my thoughts, but as a 
clerk from the banking office carried through 
the rental of the house, I seemed to be for 
gotten. My summer scribblings were no less 
dull, but more cynical than ever. A Sunday 
with the Van Rundouns and a two-days stay 
in Morristown made the sum of my social 
successes. The future seemed to offer little 
better. But November came. The horse- 
show bugle called the Radigans to town, and 
with them brought me adventures, adventures 
in numbers and often strange. The records 
of these, made at the time when their impres 
sion on my mind was sharp and clear, are set 
forth in the succeeding chapters. 
20 



CHAPTER II 

My First Great Social Advent 
ure The Horse-show with the 
Radigans 

I PICKED up my paper at breakfast this 
morning to be informed in flaring head 
lines that " The Horse is King." One day 
in every year we must face that black- 
typed legend, just as at certain other times we 
must be instructed, as though we were igno 
rant of the fact, that it is a " Noisy Fourth," 
a " Bright Thanksgiving," or a " Merry 
Christmas." To further impress upon our 
sluggish brains the regal position of the horse 
we must be confronted with an impressionistic 
picture of a long-legged, bow-legged, knock- 
kneed animal, with a thin body, a neck arched 
like a giraffe s and a swelled head, being 
towed around a ring by a bandy-legged 

21 



MRS. RADIGAN 

groom. It seems to me that this figure bears 
about as close a relation to the great Madison 
Square Garden circus as the lion rampant, the 
crest of my dear friends the Van Rundouns, 
has to that ancient and anaemic family. Some 
body told me the other day that a cer 
tain railroad in this country used as its trade 
mark the identical Egg that the blind woman 
in Mr. Kipling s " They " traced upon the rug 
to the confusion of reading-circles and cult 
ured sets all over the English-speaking world. 
The Egg is the Oriental symbol of Life and 
has no connection whatever with a dining-car 
service, which goes to demonstrate that the 
equine wonder that stares at us from the front 
page of our morning paper on the first Tues 
day after the first Monday of the show is 
after all only a symbol handed down from 
the remote ages. 

This county fair of ours has always had an 
element of mystery for me. The horse may 
be king, but his is a very limited monarchy 
indeed. I decided that as I sat last night in 
the Radigan box studying the endless proces- 
22 



MRS. RADIGAN 

sion of men and women passing in review 
before me. Why do they come here? I 
found myself asking. More than eighty per 
cent, of them do not know a breeching from 
a fetlock, and is there anything more unin 
teresting than watching a half-dozen horses 
circle twice around a ring, line up in the cen 
tre, be inspected by three solemn judges, and 
run around and out with ribbons attached? 
Of course, if you own or deal in horses, it is 
different. Likewise if you are a multi-mill 
ionaire inherited and depend on horses 
to keep your mind working. But why thou 
sands of well-balanced persons with moder 
ate incomes waste time and money to yawn 
through an evening in a hard seat or be tramp 
led on and crushed in that procession is a mys 
tery. Yet they will do it. And they gen 
erally look bored all of them. 

Of course sitting in a box is different. It 
is like being on the stage in a thinking part. 
And we mediocre, humdrum folks, who can 
not shine ourselves, do enjoy reflecting a lit 
tle limelight. So every minute of that long 
23 



MRS. RADIGAN 

three hours was a rare pleasure to me. A 
first night with the Radigans, though they did 
make their money in pool-rooms and will 
not get " in " for several years, is vastly su 
perior to a Saturday evening in a cast-off box 
with old New Yorkers like the Van Run- 
douns. I went with them last year, and then 
for the first time realized the chasm that sep 
arated the man in the box from the poor 
crushed creatures who swept around and 
around the promenade. I know how I felt 
when the fellows from my old boarding-house 
came along and stopped square in front of our 
party and stared up at me. Of course they all 
had to take off their hats, because that very 
act gave them a certain distinction in the mob, 
and of course I had to return their greeting. 
The box was Bobby Q. Williegilt s own, but 
they did not know that he had lent it to some 
poor cousins of his who had sent the tickets to 
some friends of theirs, who had given them 
to the Van Rundouns, who asked me to join 
them, so the boys treated me with marked 
deference forever after. 
24 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Now when it comes to a choice it is a toss- 
up between the Radigans and the Van Run- 
douns. I had to make a choice and I vent 
ured all. Radigan met me on Broadway 
last week and brought me uptown in his new 
90 horse-power car. He told me that several 
well-known men from the Rollers Club had 
promised to sit in his box, and he invited me 
to join the party. I recalled what the Van 
Rundouns said about the Radigans and 
rather hesitated at first, but then I remem 
bered that after all they would only have 
that left-over on Saturday night and possibly 
not at all. Like all else in this world, old 
families must die. It is the new family, 
cradled in the 90 horse-power imported 
French car, that in a few years will reach that 
maturity which we call " smartness." In that 
gilded circle, supported on rickety wooden 
chairs, that is the great feature of the horse- 
show, mature families are really surprisingly 
scarce. There are many Radigans, with a 
goodly sprinkling of Van Rundouns besides 
the dealers. The mature do not have to go 
25 



MRS. RADIGAN 

any more. They can afford to look upon it 
as an " amusing show," where you can see 
" all kinds of people " if you drop in for, say, 
just one evening. The Radigans must go to 
prove that they are growing, and the Van 
Rundouns to show that they still live. The 
Radigan star is ascending, and I decided to 
grasp one of its points and go up with it. 

Evidently the Radigans are willing to carry 
me along, for I notice that they have lost no 
time about taking my advice. Those Roll 
ers Club fellows, it seems, are clerks in the 
office, rather decent chaps and exceedingly 
well groomed. Besides them, our party con 
sisted of our host and hostess, Miss Pearl 
Veal, and myself. We had an excellent din 
ner at the St. Regis before starting, and I 
know positively that Radigan gave the waiters 
a ten-dollar tip, so you can see what the orig 
inal cost must have been. There was no rare 
old wine on the list that was too expensive, 
and the club fellows made it disappear witrf 
great rapidity and relish. For myself, I kept 
to champagne, for, though it was cheaper, I 
26 



MRS. RADIGAN 

felt that I knew just what it would do. Mrs. 
Radigan s sister I can never think of her by 
her name drank nothing at all, explaining 
to me that it made her eyes water; but our 
hostess was not so abstemious, and when we 
left the table she was beaming. We ran 
down to the Garden in the new car, as Radi- 
gan was scheduled to drive his high-stepping 
pair, Samson and Delilah, in the opening 
class. Mrs. Radigan told me, by the way, 
that she named all their horses, and asked if 
I did not admire her taste in this case. She 
had taken the names from an historical novel. 
Radigan drove splendidly and won the blue 
ribbon. He ran up to receive our congratu 
lations, and then hurried away to put on his 
riding togs and come on again with his fine 
saddle mare Ulysses, which his wife had 
named after a play. The jam in the prom 
enade was tremendous by this time and we 
attracted a great deal of attention. Mrs. 
Radigan had on a green velvety creation, with 
a hat that might have been modelled after 
an elevated railroad station, but she is a hand- 
27 



MRS. RADIGAN 

some woman and looked stunning, though she 
did at times suggest to me the pin-cushion our 
Sunday-school gave the minister s wife many 
years ago. Her sister was playing the simple 
role in plain black, and really was lovely and 
attracted a vast amount of staring. What 
element is lacking in blue blood that it leaves 
most of its possessors so pale and ill-moulded? 
What a delight are these red-blooded beau 
ties that Kansas and other remote places send 
us! And generally they have names that 
should be changed. Both the club fellows 
seemed to feel as I do and occupied themselves 
with the sister, and talked stocks to her. One 
of them had just caught a ten-point rise in two 
days on a thousand X. Y. & Z. preferred, 
and so was very interesting, for it is pleasant 
to hear how quickly and easily other people 
make money. The girl learned all about the 
way they did it, and murmured, " Indeed! " 
and "Really!" and smiled at everything 
they said about " Chickasaw common " and 
" Carbonic Acid Gas first preferred." I had 
hoped to get some points on polite conversa- 
28 



MRS. RADIGAN 

tion from these club fellows, thinking they 
had been asked to be entertaining, but I real 
ized soon that they were there for looks. 
And they did look well. There was a block 
in front of our box nearly all the evening. 

The fellows from my old boarding-house 
went by eight distinct times, close under me, 
on each occasion taking off their hats and bow 
ing. The crowd must have soon thought 
that they knew everybody in the place worth 
knowing. I had not seen them since I moved 
into a bachelor apartment, into rooms with 
red paper, a telephone, and private refrigera 
tor, so I had to lean over the front of the box 
once anyway to shake hands with them, which 
pleased them greatly. I should have pre 
sented them to Mrs. Radigan, but she had 
turned around to talk to the club fellows. I 
could not blame her for being so distant, for 
my friends were wonderfully dressed. There 
was young Hawkins, for instance, in a very 
shiny top hat, a dinner-coat, and a white 
ready-made-up tie, and Green, who has the 
fourth floor rear hall-room, in a derby and a 
29 



MRS. RADIGAN 

tail coat and a turn-down collar so large that 
he could have drawn in his head like a turtle. 
Robinson had a top hat and white gloves, but 
he kept his overcoat buttoned, so I could not 
see what was underneath. And all the time 
that these idiots were staring up at me, bask 
ing in the reflected social sunlight, a half- 
dozen women were looking up our box in the 
programme to find out who we were, and a 
newspaper artist was drawing me. Then 
Green got his courage up, seized opportunity 
by the bit, and began to talk volubly about 
the horses. Apparently he intended to stay 
there all evening, and there was nothing for 
me to do but to exclaim suddenly, " Rather 
smart-looking cob that! " So when he turned 
around to look at the animal, I turned, too, 
and lost myself in conversation with Miss 
Veal. 

It would seem that I had done enough for 
those three climbers, but they were not satis 
fied. All the evening they kept circu 
lating around that tan-bark ring on the out 
side and whenever they passed us they 

30 



MRS. RADIGAN 

all bowed most elaborately. Still, I suppose 
that is a starter on the upward way. Some 
year soon they may land in a fourth-hand box 
on a Saturday evening, but then I feel sure 
the newspapers will refer to me as that famil 
iar figure So-and-so, " who, though he has no 
horses entered this year, is to be seen regularly 
with the Williegilts." They did have my 
picture in last year, only they got my name 
wrong. They showed me in a very flat- 
rimmed topper, with a half acre of white 
shirt-front, and I was sucking a cane. Why 
I should carry a cane in the evening I could 
not make out, but as I looked very Gibson- 
esque, I forgave them. It was a bit aggra 
vating, though, to be presented as Bobbie Q. 
He must have been as much surprised as I, 
and possibly flattered. 

I think my boarding-house friends rather 
annoyed Mrs. Radigan. She asked me who 
they were, and when I told her she raised her 
eyebrows. She said with a sigh that we 
should be just as nice to queer people as to 
anybody else. Then she gave a beaming 
31 



MRS. RADIGAN 

bow to one of her husband s customers, and 
got a beaming salute in return, with a cold 
glance from the customer s wife. Several 
other customers spoke to her. Altogether 
she is getting along swimmingly. 

But the great event of the evening was after 
Radigan had won in the class for spike-teams, 
and he brought up Bobbie Q. Williegilt, and 
introduced him. You should have seen the 
stir in the surrounding boxes. It seemed that 
young Williegilt wanted to buy Samson and 
Delilah. Mrs. Radigan would not part with 
them for anything till Mr. Williegilt actually 
got into the box alongside of her. Then she 
sparred with him in smiling whispers for a 
half-hour, and in the end let him have the 
pair for a song. Meantime the sketch-artists 
were hovering around in multitudes, and after 
Williegilt left us, three other club fellows 
came of their own accord and talked stocks 
to Mrs. Radigan and her sister. 

All our pictures were in the paper this 
morning. 



CHAPTER III 

A Week-end at Jf^estbury 

I AM just back from the Radigans . To 
night I am going to dine at a dairy restau 
rant, and for some evenings to come, I fear, 
the performance must be repeated. But to 
move in society costs, everybody knows that, 
and the only reason everybody does not join 
the mad whirl is that there is a difference of 
opinion as to whether or not the income com 
pensates for the output. For me it is a ne 
cessity, as I am in a business that widens with 
your circle of rich friends, and, like the cham 
pagne agent, I must have social position to 
be a real success. I do not think I should 
have gone to Westbury from pure love of ad 
venture, but the Radigans are a good specula 
tion. They are among the outside securities 
in the polite market and are likely to go away 
33 



MRS. RADIGAN 

over par and be admitted to the floor or to be 
quoted at one-eighth. 

The very next day after I sat in their box 
at the horse-show I received a note from 
Mrs. Radigan. It was written on beautiful 
note-paper bearing the family crest, a tandem 
rampant. It struck me that it would be more 
appropriate to have a pool-room rampant, 
emblematic of Radigan pere, but after all in 
New York time goes so fast that the perform 
ances of the first generation are quickly 
whirled out of the mind of the second. So 
under the tandem rampant came the sum 
mons to what the good woman termed a 
" weak-end house-party," a name strangely 
fitting to my case. The real-estate market 
has been so active of late that I could not go 
down on Friday but had to land myself at 
Westbury on Saturday afternoon, to be met 
at the station by my hostess with a coach 
and four and driven home in great state. 

Save for the two grooms away off in the 
stern we were alone, Mrs. Radigan holding 
the ribbons over four spanking grays and I on 
34 



MRS. RADIGAN 

the box-seat at her side. It is a dreadful 
way to drive. I can never understand why 
people who can afford to be free and inde 
pendent should subject themselves to the con 
stant scrutiny of these superior servants. 
Every word I ventured rattled with hollow 
inanity on my own ears, to be wafted back to 
those bandy-legged cynics and be laughed over 
by them in the seclusion of the stable. I 
heaved a sigh of relief when we pulled up in 
the porte-cochere at the Hall and I was in the 
hands of those I knew, with Radigan and the 
Rollers Club fellows just back from golf, 
with Miss Veal and the surprise of all 
Miss Angelica Van Rundoun. Her presence 
was a shock, but she subsequently cleared her 
self by explaining to me privately that her 
father had become a customer of Radigan & 
Co. and had put her up as margins. The 
last member of the party I met at dinner. 
She was Miss Constance Mint Wherry, a 
product of the union of the poor branches of 
the two fabulously wealthy families whose 
names she bears. A large woman, weighing 

35 



MRS. RADIGAN 

well over two hundred pounds, with an exten 
sive area of neck and shoulders, decorated 
with rusty-looking jewels, she was an impos 
ing figure. I was awed, though she could not 
have been more gracious. She spoke of Wil- 
liegilt as " Bobbie " and told us what she said 
to him at the horse-show and what he said to 
her, which caused Radigan to burst in with 
the remark that " Bobbie " was a " lovely fel 
low a lovely f el-low," and Mrs. Radigan 
ventured demurely that she was going to have 
him down for a week-end she " liked him 
so much." 

Miss Wherry took to me very rapidly. 
She said that I was so original, which of 
course pleased me tremendously, till she 
spoiled it all by declaring that " society men " 
bored her they were so vapid. I could not 
see but what my tie and collar matched those 
of the Rollers Club fellows, and the only out 
ward difference I could discern between us was 
that when they did talk, they talked very 
loud, and when they did not talk, they drank 
much more than I. 

36 



MRS. RADIGAN 

But I could not get away from Miss 
Wherry. When we sat down to bridge after 
dinner she insisted on being my partner, much 
to the disgust of Radigan, who wanted to talk 
to her about " Bobbie Williegilt." Then she 
said that she would let me " carry her," and 
when the Rollers Club fellow who sat across 
from Mrs. Radigan cut an ace and remarked 
calmly, " Of course it s ten cents a point," I 
replied, " Of course," but my temperature 
went up to about 120. I would carry Miss 
Wherry s 200 avoirdupois with a glad heart 
any day, but her score at bridge is a load I 
should shudder to assume again. She made 
it " without " on two aces and a queen, with 
a short suit of hearts, depending on her part 
ner to have something, and when I laid down 
a jack high hand she was awfully good-nat 
ured about it and said she forgave me. 
Then she lost one of her three tricks by lead 
ing out of the wrong hand. When I made 
it " without " in my own hand and the Rollers 
Club fellow on my left, sitting behind eight 
sure tricks in hearts, doubled, she went back 
37 



MRS. RADIGAN 

at him, and they made 144 before we got in 
at all. My shirt-front had collapsed as com 
pletely as my little bank-account when at last 
I was allowed to retire. Miss Wherry held 
my hand lingeringly and said she hoped that 
I would go to service with them in the morn 
ing. 

Mrs. Radigan said that she hoped every 
body would attend service; the wagon would 
be ready at 10:30. But the Rollers Club 
fellows guessed that they would go to 
even-song. To this our hostess replied that 
that would be impossible, as in the afternoon 
everybody was to run down to the Southshore 
Club in the bubble to have tea with the Mints, 
who had invited them especially. This up 
set the Rollers Club fellows terribly, and they 
said they would try to get up but not to wait 
for them. 

We did not wait. Radigan was late, too, 
so I had Mrs. Radigan, Miss Veal, and Miss 
Wherry on my hands ail morning. We went 
over to the " cathedral " in Garden City, and 
I was kept so busy finding their places in the 
38 



MRS. RADIGAN 

prayer-book that I forgot my own troubles 
for a time. But the rector brought them all 
to mind again by his text: Proverbs 10:4 
" He becometh poor that dealeth with a slack 
hand." 

He applied it to Life, not Whist, but some 
how I could not but twist his words to suit 
my own troubles. Miss Wherry said that it 
was a very thoughtful sermon; Miss Veal de 
clared that he was a lovely looking young 
man, and Mrs. Radigan, that she " liked him 
so much." 

But that text rang in my brain all after 
noon, and by the time we got home from the 
Southshore Club I had such a splitting head 
ache I could not appear for dinner. They 
sent to my room all kinds of medicine and 
stimulants to brace me up for bridge, but I 
grew steadily worse. Even a nice little note 
from Miss Wherry, declaring that she forgave 
me for my bad hands of the evening before, 
and was waiting for me to join her in having 
revenge, failed to stir me. This morning I 
felt much better, though poor. I came up to 
39 



MRS. RADIGAN 

town in the train with one Rollers Club fel 
low and he was feeling rather blue, as he had 
to carry Miss Wherry against Radigan and 
Miss Van Rundoun. He made my check 
payable to the Radigans. 



40 



CHAPTER IV 

In the New Box at the Opera 

THE Radigans have a box at the Metro 
politan on even Tuesdays, odd matinees, and 
every third Thursday. They asked me to 
support them on their first appearance in 
grand opera, and as I had just sold Radigan 
a Harlem apartment-house, the Ophelia, of 
course I had to accept, and, to be frank, it 
was a most enjoyable evening. The box is 
an excellent one. It belongs to a branch of 
the Plaster family, who are abroad this win 
ter and have sublet it. It was a bit full that 
night, as Mrs. Radigan seemed to have asked 
most of her friends, but by the help of two 
extra chairs we all got in. There were the 
Radigans, and Miss Veal, of course, with 
myself and the two Rollers Club fellows, Miss 
Constance Mint Wherry, and a Miss Mig 
nonette Klapper, a rare beauty, who really 



MRS. RADIGAN 

had no right to be there as she is only a pupil 
at a finishing school and is not even out in 
Milwaukee. I must admit that the girl is 
charming, not at all breezy as we always pict 
ure these Westerners, but very soft and in 
sinuating, with most expressive eyes and teeth. 
She kept me very much occupied after I suc 
ceeded in shutting off one of the Rollers Club 
men and making him fight with the other over 
Miss Veal. 

The opera, I think, was " Tannhauser," 
though I paid so little attention to it that I 
cannot be sure. In the criticism of it in my 
paper next day I discovered this enlightening 
paragraph : 

" Box 506 J. John Radigan, Mrs. Radi- 
gan, Miss Veal, Miss Wherry, Miss Klapper, 
Messrs. Brown, Jones, and Robinson." 

Again, a little farther down in the criti 
cism : " Mrs. Radigan, cold-cream-colored 
silk, diamond tiara, diamond collarette, dia 
monds." 

I remember the diamonds very well, but of 
the rest of our hostess s costume I have no 
42 



MRS. RADIGAN 

recollection. But she was very imposing. 
She is really a handsome woman, not sallowed 
by blue blood, with a large figure and plenty 
of bust room for the display of jewels. And 
how she did shine! Whenever the curtain 
went down and the lights went up, hundreds 
of those social astronomers down on the com 
mon earth of the orchestra circle turned their 
telescopes our way and studied her. How 
sublimely indifferent to them she looked! 
She kept that beautifully rounded arm of hers 
resting carelessly on the rail, and with her 
fingers played a silent tattoo, so that her rings 
flashed heliograph signals all over the house, 
while with her other hand she made expressive 
motions with her fan. The Williegilts were 
in their box across the way, and she managed, 
after much engineering, to catch Bobbie s eye 
and smile at him, which he graciously and 
charitably returned, remembering, perhaps, 
the low price at which she had let him have 
her prize-winning pair, Samson and Delilah, 
after the horse-show. These signals be 
tween the Radigan and the Williegilt boxes 
43 



MRS. RADIGAN 

aroused the astronomers below still further, 
and pointed a hundred more glasses our way, 
and brought on a rustle of programmes while 
those excellent aids to opera astronomy were 
consulted to find out who we were. It was a 
triumph indeed. Then Miss Wherry helped 
out by whispering to some people in the next 
box; the Rollers Club fellows excused them 
selves a few minutes to appear on the other 
side with the Mints, and Willie Lite actually 
called in our box and showed himself right 
out in front whispering and laughing with 
Mrs. Radigan and Miss Veal for some min 
utes, and talking with Radigan in the back 
long enough to sell him ten cases of cham 
pagne. Altogether we seemed quite in the 
swim. 

But we were too overcrowded. Four to 
a box is all that looks proper. More than 
that gives you the appearance of a delegation 
from some home, as I suggested to Radigan. 
He agreed with me entirely, and on the next 
third Thursday there will just be three of us 
in the opera Radigan, his wife, and myself. 
44 



MRS. RADIGAN 

We men are to stand back in the shadow and 
look as if we were hatching some dark con 
spiracy, while she stays out in front where the 
astronomers can study her. To get along in 
society, people must observe. 

Still, we did fairly well for a first appear 
ance. The objection I had was that there 
was too much music and too little opera. 
.The curtain was up and the lights down 
much longer than it was down and the lights 
up, and it is difficult to talk comfortably when 
the people above and below are hissing at 
you. Then operatic music is so absurd. Of 
the actual music, of course, I have no com 
plaint. The price paid for it is a guarantee 
of its excellence, and certainly many of the 
stars have beautiful voices. It is a pleasure to 
hear them sing. It is seeing them sing that 
destroys all illusions. I can lean back and 
close my eyes and enjoy it. But how differ 
ent it is when one s eyes are open, and Juli 
et, age fifty, weight 200 pounds, has her 
head back, her eyes on the chandelier, her 
hands clasping her throat, and tosses high 
45 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Cs at Romeo, age fifty, weight 195, who 
stands with bowed head, silent, making all 
the gestures of a conjurer who is throwing 
coins into the air, making them disappear. I 
have seen many operatic Juliets in my time, 
and absurd they all seem when I compare 
them with the girl who took the part in our 
high-school performance of the play at home 
years ago. Of course she did not sing 
the part, but she did look it, and I must say 
I like, first of all, to see a thing; the hearing 
of it is merely icing on the cake. 

I happened to suggest a few of these ideas 
to Mrs. Radigan that night, and she did 
not agree with me at all. She said, surely 
pointing her fan at me I liked the 
" Pilgrim s Progress " in " Tan-howser " and 
the " quintette " in " Whoop-de-doodle-do." 
That woman has such a clinching way of say 
ing things, I find it quite useless to argue with 
her. I believe now that she thinks John Bun- 
yan wrote " Tannhauser " and that the par 
lor-car effects in so many of the stage-settings 
are due entirely to the influence of Wagner. 
46 



MRS. RADIGAN 

But with all her faults she is a most excellent 
soul. She gets along amazingly and will soon 
be varnished over. I know, for example, that 
she is making rapid progress in her French, 
for, after the opera, at supper she ordered 
some Philadelphia " capong " cooked in 
some remarkable French way. Her nasal 
twang was perfection, and I had no sympathy 
with the Rollers Club fellows who began to 
choke violently. I don t care much for those 
Rollers Club fellows, anyway, and am more 
than satisfied that when Mrs. Radigan ap 
pears again in grand opera she will have only 
Radigan and myself as a supporting company. 



47 



CHAPTER V 

Mrs. Radigan s First Thursday 

THE other day I received Mrs. Radigan s 
card for her " every other Thursday in De 
cember." A delicate bit of card-board bear 
ing the name of Miss Veal was enclosed with 
it. As they had sent out some 5,000 of them, 
it seemed to me that a splendid opportunity 
for advertising was missed, as they might 
have included Radigan s, with his downtown 
and uptown office addresses, and the list of 
his firm s various exchanges. But as I have 
said before, my friends are observing. They 
have learned that when a man goes into so 
ciety he must leave his business behind him, 
unless he be an architect, a real-estate man, 
or a champagne agent. These three classes 
are, of course, exceptions to the rule. Society 
tolerates them, realizing that they must live, 
but makes them lead cotillons and do other 
48 



MRS. RADIGAN 

foolish things, as a part compensation for the 
concessions in their case. One of the first 
observations I ever made to Radigan was on 
this point, and I must say that he has gen 
erally shown rare good sense. He says that 
they do so well because they have horse sense. 
With a four-in-hand or two, and a stable of 
polo ponies, a man can butt down many a 
closed door. An evidence of this lies in the 
fact that Mrs. Radigan got a card from one 
of the Williegilt families, which is presenting 
a plain daughter with a large fortune. Mrs. 
Radigan almost died of disappointment that 
her own " day " interfered with her going, 
and at one time I thought she would order a 
recess in the home function to give her an 
opportunity of showing herself at the other 
most exclusive house. But she repressed her 
ambition and went through the ordeal at home 
most nobly. 

I happened to pass the Williegilt house 
that afternoon and I could not help contrast 
ing the scene there with that I saw later before 
my friends mansion. The street was blocked 
49 



MRS. RADIGAN 

by a tangle of carriages, two or three seeming 
lunatics were running up and down shouting 
numbers like mad, a couple of policemen were 
kept busy regulating traffic at the avenue cor 
ner, and the awning from the curb to the 
door was so bulging with humanity that you 
could see the elbows working along the canvas 
as the compressed human beings squirmed 
in and out. The Radigans could boast no 
such scene as this, but I feel sure that in two 
years more they will beat it, and perhaps they 
will even have a riot when they marry Miss 
Veal to a title. As it was, their preliminary 
event was most satisfactory. Of course, they 
could not ask any of their old friends, and 
had to depend entirely on the new crop, which, 
divided between two days, made the attend 
ance light. 

I broke through the line of bandy-legged 
cynics along the curb, and paused to look 
up the deserted awning. There is something 
chillsome always about one of these empty 
canvas passage-ways, with the half-light, the 
tawdry, muddied carpet under foot, the dark 
50 



MRS. RADIGAN 

door away off above you, that seems a cav 
ernous entrance to some wonderland. Fort 
unately for me one of the Rollers Club fel 
lows came out and he stopped long enough 
to reassure me. Things were not so bad, he 
said. The real-estate men who had heard 
that Radigan was looking for half a block 
on Fifth Avenue were helping wonderfully, 
and the architects who understood that a 
million-dollar house was to be built on the 
half-block were supporting them splendidly. 
Fortunately, several of Radigan s smartest 
customers were on the bear side of the bull 
market, and their wives and daughters had 
come to meet dear Mrs. Radigan. More 
over, and best of all the Rollers Club fellow 
winked Willie Lite was within, which would 
cost Radigan the price of ten more cases of 
champagne, a small enough payment for so 
great an honor. So I passed on. Of course 
the man who announced me got my name 
wrong, and gave it an Irish twist that made 
Mrs. Radigan start visibly as he shouted it 
in her ear. She was vastly relieved to see 
51 



MRS. RADIGAN 

me, and introduced me to Willie Lite, who 
was in close attendance and talked most 
volubly. 

They were discussing the " simple life," 
and I heard Mrs. Radigan say that " of the 
two, she preferred his Parsifal, which 
seemed to amuse Lite tremendously, though 
to me it sounded rather inane. Mrs. Radi 
gan was an earnest believer in the simple life 
and regretted that she could not lead it. 
People did not realize the dreadful responsi 
bilities that devolved on one who was born in 
our set. There was the endless round of 
calls, always boresome, and callers, often 
worse, and dinners and operas, and dances 
that we just had to go to. Sometimes she 
longed to get away from it all and go 
to some quiet place where she could study 
and store up riches in her own mind and do 
good to others. But there was Radigan; he 
simply could not live away from his clubs and 
his horses. He simply had to have excite 
ment and terrapin, while she longed for re 
pose and brown bread. The good woman 
52 



MRS. RADIGAN 

heaved a sigh. I had never seen her in that 
mood before. But as I stood aside and sur 
veyed her splendid massiveness, I forgave 
her, for I saw that, even did she so will it, 
she could not, like Diogenes, get into a tub. 
I fled lest I might forgetfully suggest this, 
and found rest with Miss Veal, in a simple 
white effect, very pretty, holding a large 
bunch of roses that I felt sure one of the 
Rollers Club fellows had sent her. She was 
talking sweetly about the weather to old Mr. 
Stuyvesant Mint, one of the bear customers. 
Mr. Mint, as I gathered from some five min 
utes close attention, seemed convinced that it 
would rain before Sunday, and Miss Veal s 
views on the subject were summed up in a 
smile and an " Indeed." But while I was 
inclined to be bored by Mr. Mint s ideas, I 
soon found that I had to make them my own, 
and solemnly repeat them all over again, for 
when he became aware of my presence he 
fled to the dining-room, leaving me to bear 
his cross. 

The burden was light enough awhile, for 

53 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Pearl Veal is so beautiful. She delights 
my eye. I could sit with her by the hour, as 
I can lounge beneath a spreading tree on some 
hill-top, smoking, watching the valley below, 
thought arrested, in my mind mirrored the 
rolling fields, the woods, the meadows, the 
blue sky, the lazy clouds, and cheerful sun 
light. To me she always is a lovely view, a 
prospect restful. But the world can offer 
few so fair; it seeks to hide its homeliness; it 
makes its laws to suit the greatest number. 
Talk it commands talk, else you stare talk 
small, say things inane, chatter, chatter, let 
the brain run mad, gabble, gabble, and so 
forget the universal plainness. Pearl Veal, 
I suspect, would revel in the quiet valley, 
away from the clatter of mills and the roar of 
trade. Her mood is peaceful. She knows 
that Nature keeps the eyes open and the 
mouth closed, but perverse man reverses the 
rule. She would speak when she had some 
thing worth while saying. At conversation 
she fails lamentably. But the world says, 
talk, and that day it interfered with my hap- 
54 



MRS. RADIGAN 

piness. Talk we did, or rather I did, for 
Miss Veal seems not yet to have learned that 
the art of polite conversation is to settle noth 
ing, to leave everything up in the air, and if 
by chance you do make a definite statement, 
to preserve the subject for further use by that 
saving, "Don t you think so?" When I 
said that I believed it was going to rain, she 
agreed with me and that ended it. When I 
brought up tennis as an absorbingly inter 
esting subject for sustained repartee, she 
knocked it on the head in like fashion and 
left me standing first on one foot and then 
on the other, gazing into space. Some hours 
later, it seemed, an innocent young man, 
with an eye to beauty, relieved me, and I 
bolted for the dining-room, away off in the 
rear, where Miss Wherry was pouring tea, 
and took me under her protecting wing. 
Radigan was there, penned up in a corner 
between Coppe, the business half of the archi 
tectural firm of Coppe & Coppe, and young 
Crayon, whose sole hold on life is a Beaux 
Arts education and a drawing-board. Then 
55 



MRS. RADIGAN 

there were several bear customers wives, who 
were standing around the great table samp 
ling things, and talking between bites to one 
or two of the social representatives of leading 
real-estate houses. A few persons, strangers 
to me, wandered in, took a nibble or two, 
looked absently about as though they were in 
a dream, and then ambled out. When I had 
had a cup of tea, a sugar-coated bit of cake 
with cream inside, a glass of champagne, and 
a chocolate peppermint, I wandered out, too. 
Miss Veal gave me a lustrous smile on part 
ing, and Mrs. Radigan said she was so glad 
I could come. I paused long enough upstairs 
to exchange hats with the other Rollers Club 
fellow, as I saw my new one on top of his 
coat and remembered that after the opera the 
other night I had been left with a derelict 
headgear with many bald spots. Then I 
went softly away, down the gloomy awning, 
over the muddied red carpet. I had no 
trouble getting out, but I prophesy that next 
time I shall have to fight to reach the street. 



CHAPTER VI 

The Monday Cotillons 

A FEW days ago I received under the tan 
dem rampant a hurried summons from Mrs. 
Radigan. She was dying to see me, so I 
closed up my desk somewhat earlier than 
usual and turned my toes toward Billionville. 
I had never before seen her so beaming. She 
reminded me that Mrs. Tucker Ten Broeck 
had died some weeks ago. Well, she had 
been asked to take the vacant place among 
the patronesses of the Monday Cotillon. 
Now, I realized that society that is really 
worth knowing frowns on these subscription 
things, but considering that the previous gen 
eration of Radigans had probably waited at 
the Mondays, it seemed that the present gen 
eration was soaring when it danced there. 
Moreover, there are many thousands of 
simple, unassuming women in town who 

57 



MRS. RADIGAN 

would give their heads to appear in that list 
of eminently respectable names. The Mon 
days looked down - on the Tuesdays, and the 
Tuesdays looked blank and never heard of 
the Fridays, and as Mrs. Radigan had, in 
one wild leap, gone over the Fridays into 
the Mondays, there was indeed cause for 
congratulation. In a year or two, with her 
money, she can raise her eyebrows when the 
Mondays are mentioned, just as she does 
now when we speak of the Tuesdays or Fri 
days. She has had wonderful luck in skip 
ping intermediate social degrees, and at the 
present rate she will soon take the thirty-third 
and become a grand commander. I could 
not understand how she worked it out so 
quickly. 

Mrs. Radigan is inclined to regard the de 
cease of Mrs. Ten Broeck as an intervention 
of Providence. It seems that on her demand 
Radigan to use her own expression has 
become " a patron of the church." He is 
now a vestryman at St. Edwards, a director 
of the Hydropathic Hospital, vice-president 
58 



MRS. RADIGAN 

of the Improvident Pawning Society, and a 
heavy stockholder in the Underground Cafe 
Company. Mrs. Radigan is herself a man 
ageress of the " Home for Aged but Respect 
able Unmarried Women." With Radigan 
passing the plate every Sunday with Major 
Plaster, and Mrs. Radigan constantly tele 
phoning to Mrs. Plumstone Smith about the 
home, it just had to come. 

After all, it is the brains that rise like cream 
in the social crock. There are plenty of peo 
ple in this town with just as much money as 
the Radigans, but, struggle though they may, 
they will stay down. They swim dog-fashion, 
then drown. Their palaces rise on Riverside 
Drive, and even Harlem knows their coun 
tenances. But the Radigans have brains. 
They never seem to be swimming for dear 
life; they float up on their money. Now 
floating seemed so easy, so blissful. They 
were able to dispense with one of the Rollers 
Club fellows for the dinner before the dance 
and to put in his place young Plumstone 
Smith, which was a pleasant change for all, 
59 



MRS. RADIGAN 

so we sat down at the table, besides the new 
fellow, the Radigans, Miss Constance Mint 
Wherry, Miss Veal, Miss Hope Van Run- 
doun, the other Rollers Club fellow and my 
self. And such a dinner! The Radigans 
never do things half-way. For each of the 
young women there was an enormous bunch 
of American Beauties, and as the men could 
not take flowers, Radigan loaded our cases 
with cigars that the gods might smoke. They 
did not churn us all up in a Fifth Avenue 
stage, as is the custom in some circles, but 
rolled us downtown, swiftly, gently, in their 
new electric carryall. 

Mrs. Radigan had come to her own ! You 
should have seen her as she stood in that 
august row of patronesses, right between Mrs. 
Plumstone Smith and Mrs. Stuyvesant Mint. 
They simply looked like the setting. She 
seemed to have been born and raised right in 
that spot, so natural did she appear. Mrs. 
Plumstone Smith let me tip up one of her 
gloved hands, and then recognized the exist 
ence of her son. Mrs. Radigan made a one- 
60 



MRS. RADIGAN 

quarter bow at us and smiled vacantly, then 
turned and whispered to Mrs. Mint. But 
she thawed out later. I found her sitting 
behind the favor-counter, a part in a scene 
that called to my mind a street-bazaar in 
Cairo, though I did not suggest it to her as I 
led her forth into the mazes of the dance. 

Mrs. Radigan hops. Mrs. Radigan loves 
dancing. Mrs. Radigan tells you to stop 
when you are tired she can keep on forever. 
What an awful combination ! The first time 
we hopped by that row of immaculately clad 
statuary known as the " stags " I recognized 
every face distinctly, and even saw the Rollers 
Club fellow wink at me. The second time 
around, young Plumstone Smith winked. At 
the third circuit two or three of the stags had 
their heads together and seemed to be look 
ing our way and commenting. On the fourth, 
Tumbleton Wherry, who was leading the 
cotillon, stopped running around clapping his 
hands as if he were shooing chickens, and 
stood in the centre of the room just gazing 
our way. The last time I saw the stags they 
61 



MRS. RADIGAN 

seemed to my distorted vision just a long 
band of black and white. I am positive that 
Mrs. Radigan, in the early ages of her ex 
istence ages now remote danced to the 
music of a hurdy-gurdy. 

When the dizziness had gone, I was called 
to the business of the hour by Tumbleton 
Wherry, who dropped in my lap a corn-cob 
pipe tied with pink ribbon and hurried on. 
So I gathered my feet together, and by slid 
ing madly across the room, managed to place 
it in the hands of Miss Veal before the Rol 
lers Club fellow could claim her by the pres 
entation of a gilt paper pin-wheel. Oh, but 
that girl can glide ! Perhaps it was the sud 
den contrast with the hopping performance 
of Mrs. Radigan that made my new partner 
seem immaterial. I seemed to be clasping 
merely a bust, she moved so easily, and I 
found myself doubting if she had any feet at 
all, even going to the extent of kicking, gently, 
to satisfy myself. There was nothing there, 
she glided so airily. It is the Chicago way. 
I cannot say that I like it. It is uncanny. 
62 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Still, it is, perhaps, preferable to the Boston 
style, which requires that the young woman 
stand erect like a soldier and move around as 
though she had castors on the soles of her 
shoes. But Miss Veal compensated for her 
over-gracefulness by not talking, which is a 
blessing, for nothing is so trying as to have to 
make remarks about this dance being better 
than some others when a mesh of pink trim 
mings is swishing around your feet. 

Then she smiled ! That smile went to 
many hearts, and when it was seen that I 
knew her I was besieged with demands to be 
presented. Consequently she had what so 
ciety calls a good time, and when along toward 
morning the band struck up " Home, Sweet 
Home," she was hung over with favors till 
she looked like a Christmas-tree, and, besides 
I had to carry to the automobile for her a 
whole grab-bag full of corn-cob pipes and pin- 
wheels. 

I walked home with the other Rollers Club 
fellow. He was very silent. It seems she 
danced just once around the room with him 
63 



MRS. RADIGAN 

and then sailed off and sat in a quiet corner 
for a whole half-hour with young Plumstone 
Smith. The future is all clear now. From 
the Rollers Club fellow to Plumstone Smith, 
then a Williegilt, who will give place to a 
title and a real wedding with a riot. 



64 



CHAPTER VII 

Mrs. Radigan Captures Miss 
Bumpschus 

IF Solomon had been living in these days 
he would have classed the doings of society 
folk with the ship on the sea, the snake on a 
rock, and the way of a man with a maid, the 
things that pass understanding. Why, for 
instance, should people who have a comfort 
able home of their own and money to buy 
their seats in a theatre, or, indeed, the thea 
tre itself, like the Williegilts, wittingly accept 
an invitation from the Radigans for dinner 
and the play, and supper at Flurry s after 
ward? It meant six hours with that remark 
able family, or one-quarter of a day, and when 
we consider that even the Williegilts days are 
numbered, we begin to wonder if it can be true 
that of all the animals, man is the most Intel- 
65 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ligent. Stranger still, now that the Willie- 
gilts have placed on the broad brow of Mrs. 
Radigan the laurel wreath of social victory, 
there are in the town a thousand simple, un 
ambitious souls who would give a year of 
their lives for six hours with a woman so con 
spicuous as my friend. The Radigans are in. 
The Radigans are smart. And by smartness 
we mean that highly intellectual state which 
requires yachts, horses, automobiles, dancing, 
and bridge to keep the mind occupied. 

I was walking up the avenue the other 
afternoon when a brougham swerved into the 
curb, and a familiar voice hailed me and bade 
me get in, as she wanted to see me. There 
is no mistaking a Radigan carriage. They 
are always perfectly turned out, though I 
have suspected that the mistress would have 
three men on the box were there room. She 
makes up for this misfortune, however, by 
adopting the London wrinkle of having her 
footman sit with hands clasped and uplifted 
in an attitude of prayer; and as I had recog 
nized one of my bandy-legged cynics of the 
66 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Westbury days at his devotions as the equi 
page approached, I was prepared to be gath 
ered in. Mrs. Radigan simply had to have 
me to dinner. Young Plumstone Smith had 
accepted and then backed out, pleading grippe, 
though she had seen him going to the Grand 
Central in a hansom. She must have me to 
fill in, and though I am accustomed to filling 
in, I doubt that even the astonishing fact that 
the Williegilts were coming would have en 
ticed me, but then Miss Ethel Bumpschus was 
to be there, and I surrendered. I had seen 
the young woman s picture covering the half- 
page over the society notes in the Sunday pa 
per, showing her with lustrous eyes and a 
furry thing around her neck, an Oriental 
beauty reduced to New York; and on the 
promise that I should take her in, I accepted. 
When I heard what was on the programme, 
dinner, the play, and supper, I asked Mrs. 
Radigan if we should bring trunks, and she 
said of course not. 

But there were times that evening when it 
seemed to me that we were of one family, the 
67 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Radigans, the Williegilts, all of us; that we 
had lived together all our lives and were to 
spend eternity in company. It began at seven 
o clock, very informally, and when I entered 
the drawing-room the very last, prepared to 
besiege Miss Bumpschus, I had suddenly 
impressed on me a profound respect for the 
art of photography. She seemed to have 
aged since Sunday, and though she slipped 
her arm through mine and worked her way 
with me through a maze of chairs and tables 
to the dining-room, I felt that, after all, Mrs. 
Radigan had taken me in. 

Miss Bumpschus is very smart. Besides, 
she is intellectual. The Bumpschuses have 
been prominent in New York society for fifty 
years; one of her cousins married the Duke 
of Nothingham, and she is herself rated at 
some ten millions. So, really, Mrs. Radigan 
was doing me a favor and giving me what 
she called an opportunity. Then if I wanted 
to rest my eyes I could gaze on the lovely 
Miss Veal across the table, smiling at Willie 
Lite, and saying, " Indeed." Miss Bump- 
68 



MRS. RADIGAN 

schus, I found, was religious. To her the 
world was peopled with only two sets of peo 
ple worth knowing the very rich and the 
very poor. She would cut one of the Rol 
lers Club fellows dead in the street, but she 
would, with her own hands, bake a cake for 
one of those dear old friends of hers at the 
Home for Aged Elevated Ticket-choppers. 
If she had not been born just what she was, 
the heiress to the great Bumpschus fortune, 
she would far rather have been a nurse than 
a person merely well-to-do. But she was an 
accomplished talker, and though I cannot re 
member a thing she said, she left none of 
those dreadful pauses. For this I was grate 
ful, anyway, as I could not break in on Mrs. 
Williegilt s engrossing discussion of glan 
ders and carbureters with Radigan, nor on 
Mrs. Radigan s sermon on carbureters and 
glanders to Bobbie Williegilt; nor could I 
turn from Willie Lite the smile of Miss Veal. 
Anyway, whatever I said and whatever she 
said, Mrs. Radigan whispered in my ear as 
we were going down the steps to the wagon 
69 



MRS. RADIGAN 

that I had won Miss Bumpschus s heart, and 
that if I would complete the conquest I must 
send my old dress-clothes and top hats to the 
aged ticket-choppers. 

Mrs. Radigan has not yet learned that 
when you give theatre-parties in New York 
you must spend a week visiting the plays 
quietly if you are going to have young 
girls in the party. Miss Bumpschus is not 
young, but she is still classed as a girl, and, 
moreover, as I have said, she is puritanical. 
Of Miss Veal there was no real cause for 
fear. She smokes. But Mrs. Radigan in 
formed us that she had chosen this particular 
play because she knew by the name that it was 
something Miss Bumpschus and her little sis 
ter could see. Poor Mrs. Radigan ! Poor 
Miss Bumpschus ! Really it was all harm 
less enough, but the underlying theme was 
not a burned will nor a stolen necklace. The 
play was more for bald heads and switches, 
like most of our up-to-date dramatic exhibi 
tions, so Miss Bumpschus quickly lapsed into 
unconsciousness behind her programme, and 
70 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Miss Veal looked as though it was all a mys 
tery to her. 

" It s just my luck," Mrs. Radigan groaned 
to me. " Now had she been Constance 
Wherry I should not have cared, but Ethel 
Bumpschus will not speak to me again. A 
woman is foolish nowadays who takes a party 
to see anything but Shakespeare, Ibsen, or the 
wax-works." 

Rare sense is Mrs. Radigan beginning to 
show ! Gleams of high intelligence break 
through occasionally. But I fear she exag 
gerated the effect on her younger guests. We 
did have to arouse Miss Bumpschus from 
behind her programme when the curtain went 
down, and when Willie Lite asked her if she 
did not think it was awfully clever, she turned 
to me and asked me not to forget the old 
clothes for the ticket-choppers. But she 
braced up at supper, and under the protection 
of Radigan, he being a married man, and the 
enlivening influences of a few glasses of cham 
pagne, she lost all her color again and became 
very chipper. I, for the moment, took on the 



MRS. RADIGAN 

character of a horse-doctor, and entertained 
Mrs. Williegilt with my opinions of glanders, 
while Williegilt basked in the light of Miss 
Veal s smiles, and Willie Lite laid the wires 
to sell a heavy line of champagne to our host 
ess. Altogether the evening was a success, 
particularly as I read in my paper the next 
morning that " Mr. and Mrs. J. John Radi- 
gan entertained Mr. and Mrs. Bobbie Q. 
Williegilt and several other smart people at 
dinner, the play, and supper last evening." 



72 



CHAPTER VIII 

The Small Dance at Flurry s 

BY one bold leap Mrs. Radigan has landed 
herself among the smartest of the smart and 
has fixed herself there so firmly that heaven 
and earth cannot move her as long as she holds 
on to her money. She staked all and won. 
If she failed to become a smart woman, there 
was that dreadful alternative of being a club 
woman, but she risked it. She is safe now. 
Her husband can abscond or can sue for di 
vorce, she can sue for divorce or can become 
totally demented, they can abandon each 
other and their son can abandon them, but 
as long as the great Radigan fortune hangs 
together they will be smart. And after all 
that adjective is not misused, for it is money 
that makes people interesting in this world. 
We will listen with bated breath to the twad 
dle of a multimillionaire, while we would 

73 



MRS. RADIGAN 

yawn in the face of a college professor. 
Everybody says the Radigans are interesting. 
Those who knew them in their poorer days 
must have thought them dull. 

I said that Mrs. Radigan risked all. That 
is not exaggeration. When I heard how she 
had rented Flurry s entire establishment for 
an evening, and calmly sent out invitations to 
a dance, I shuddered. 

" Why, that great ballroom will look like 
Asbury Park in December," said I, " unless 
you have made some foolish blunder like ask 
ing your old friends." 

" Never," she answered firmly. " I have 
made a list of just 600 names. My annual 
ball is to be a great gathering of all the clans, 
you see. Then I want to give it a cosmo 
politan tinge, so I have asked representatives 
of each of the trades : one actress, one author, 
one artist, one clergyman, and a college pro 
fessor. You see it will look as though I were 
able to ask just whom I chose, in spite of 
their social position." 

With that she handed me a press copy of 
74 



MRS. RADIGAN 

her list, and as my eye ran from name to 
name, I groaned. There was hardly a per 
fumery, a brokerage house, a breakfast-food, 
a real-estate firm, a bank, or a business com 
bination of any kind in the city that was not 
represented. 

; Why, these are the smartest people in 
town! " I cried.- " And I am sure you don t 
know one-tenth of the lot, and that only half 
that number know you. How many do you 
think will come? " 

" I cannot guess," she said calmly. " The 
cards went out only yesterday. It is a 
gamble, of course. If nobody comes, we 
shall move to Riverside Drive. If every 
body comes, we go on with our new house 
on the avenue." 

It was a pity, indeed, that that new house 
could not be finished in time. If money could 
have completed it, there would have been no 
question, but Coppe & Coppe, the architects, 
said they had to have at least three months 
to build such a palace. The designs alone 
took them ten days, so there was nothing to 
75 



MRS. RADIGAN 

do but to have the affair at Flurry s. It is 
difficult at a public place like that to take 
from a private affair the air of one of these 
subscription things, for there is no change of 
scene, no change of actors, and were you not 
versed in socialology you could not tell Mrs. 
Plumstone s dance from one of those Wed 
nesdays or Thursdays. So Mrs. Radigan 
was handicapped from the start; but she made 
a masterly stroke by giving the champagne 
contract to Willie Lite, making it his interest 
to gather in as many of his friends as pos 
sible. It was there that she won the battle, 
I suspect, and her calm demeanor in those 
awful minutes preceding the arrival of the 
first guests came, I believe, from her absolute 
faith in him. Radigan was terribly nervous. 
He said it would break his heart if all his 
polo in the fall, all his countless knocks and 
bruises and tumbles were to go for nothing, 
and the first of their annual balls be the last. 
They had a dinner at home to a few of 
their " close friends," which included about 
one dozen, and nearly everybody they knew. 
76 



MRS. RADIGAN 

The Williegilts and Miss Bumpschus had 
declined, which looked ominous, and the out 
look was still darker when we arrived on the 
field of battle on the minute of ten, and for 
an hour had the great rooms to ourselves. 
There is nothing more depressing than the 
ballroom where, to the music of a big orches 
tra, a half-dozen men and women are cavort 
ing around in lonely state. Dancing made 
easy is dancing made uninteresting, for take 
away the jam of whirling figures, the sweep 
of bedraggled trains beneath the feet, the stab 
of elbows, and the wild plunges of the nimbler 
footed, and you take away the dangers that 
make the sport. 

So that was a deadly hour. But through 
it all, in the hush before the battle, Mrs. Radi- 
gan stood undaunted in the big reception- 
room, firm and masterful, while Radigan 
wandered aimlessly about adjusting his cuffs. 
Then the noble lord who stands in the en 
trance and announces the events, fired the first 
big gun. There was a swish of skirts and 
the name of Miss Bumpschus, $10,000,000 

77 



MRS. RADIGAN 

plus, resounding almost to the ballroom, in 
dicated to the watchers there that the conflict 
was on and that victory was in the air. Miss 
Bumpschus was an hour late, apologized for 
being early, and came on to the dance with 
the much flustered Radigan. A pause. A 
hush. The noble lord was in action again, 
and Mr. Pomade, $1,000,000 down and five 
more sure to come, made his appearance. 
Mrs. Radigan was beaming and she had a 
right. At the heels of the exquisite Pomade 
came Count Popperwhistle, $1,500,000 mi 
nus and open to propositions. After him, 
a mob. The opera was over. From the 
street below sounded the shouts of a hundred 
coachmen, and elevator after elevator dumped 
into the hall all the flowers that bloom to-day 
in society. There were no last roses, no cen 
tury-plants; I don t think the Van Rundouns 
were even asked, and I know the Rollers Club 
fellows were left out. Even the Monday 
Cotillons were almost forgotten, except for a 
few like the Mints and the Plumstone Smiths, 
who are in one set on account of their pov- 
78 



MRS. RADIGAN 

erty, but have a hold on the other because of 
their family. Willie Lite had made good. 
While a great number had sent regrets, they 
all came, anyway, and where had been a weary 
waste of polished floor, there now was a 
whirling struggle for a foothold and breath 
ing-space. All the Bumpschuses, the Wherry- 
Mints, the Mint-Wherrys, the Jack Twitters, 
the Willies and Bobbies, the Tommies and 
Harrys were there. Willie Lite dancing 
with Miss Veal, simple white and pearls, led 
at one end, while Plumstone Smith dancing 
with Miss Marie Antoinette Williegilt, led at 
the other. The favors were the finest that 
New York has ever seen, and our smart 
matrons will have to make inroads into their 
bank-accounts to beat them. The silver- 
bound whiskey-flasks for the men, I know, cost 
$25 apiece, and the carved ivory cigarette- 
cases for the girls were still more expensive. 
Then there were riding-crops and parasols 
and useful things like that, which really made 
dancing profitable. 

The supper was as excellent as it was 

79 



MRS. RADIGAN 



unpronounceable and indigestible, and Willie 
Lite must have made a good thing in com 
missions. But he deserved it. More, too, I 
thought, when I clipped this morning, from 
the journal that gives all the news that is 
worth printing, a list of those who were at 
Mrs. Radigan s first annual ball last night and 
are pledged to those to come. Here are a 
few of the names: 



Mrs. E. Williegilt, 
The Misses Williegilt, 
Mrs. Robert Q. Williegilt, 
Miss E. Bumpschus, 
Mrs. Plumstone, 
Miss Constance Wherry, 
Miss Wherry-Mint, 
The Misses Speechless, 
Mrs. John Twitter, 
Miss Clarissa Mudison, 
Miss Tumbleton, 
Mrs. Timpleton Duff, 



Mrs. Hegerton Humming, 

Mrs. Thomas Tattler, 

Mr. E. Williegilt, 

Mr. Williegilt Bumpschus, 

Mr. J. Madison Mudison, 

Mr. Plumstone Smith, 

Mr. Cecil Hash, 

Mr. Winthrop Jumpkin, /th, 

Mr. Humming, 

Mr. J. Twitter, 

Mr. Duff, 

Mr. Tattler. 



80 




MRS. RADIGAN untwisted her furs and 
laid her muff and gloves on the chair at her 
side, and proceeded to make tea. 

Well," she said, when the water was 
boiling industriously and the alcohol lamp 
had ceased its explosions, " I have just leased 
a cottage for the coming season at Newport. 
We are going quietly, you know, and it s just 
a tiny little box on Bellevue Avenue and only 
costs us $12,000 a year." 

" Indeed ? " said I. " How sensible 1 " 

" I think it is sensible," said Mrs. Radigan. 
u Now, John in his usual way wanted to take 
the Mints villa at $40,000 for the season, 
but I said no people would say we were 
nouveaux riches, and I prefer to live quietly 
and modestly. It is so much better taste. So 



MRS. RADIGAN 

many people get in nowadays on their mere 
money." 

Mrs. Radigan heaved a sigh. She made 
me some brackish-looking tea, more for her 
self, and over her cup she eyed me archly. 
Just a week before she had sat there with me 
over her afternoon tea wondering whether 
Society would come to her ball, or she would 
be doomed to move in the Waldorf-Astoria 
set for the rest of her existence. Now she 
was so firmly established that she could rail, 
because in so doing she was acting the dual 
role of the attacker and the attacked. I 
showed no surprise. She had long since 
ceased to astonish me. 

" So many common people go to Newport 
thinking they can buy their way in," Mrs. 
Radigan went on. They rent great houses 
and they give balls, they entertain a German 
baron or a Hindoo prince, and nobody pays 
any attention to them. They disappear next 
year. Sometimes they are barred because 
there is a scandal in the family, like a 
divorce." 

82 



MRS. RADIGAN 

I raised my eyebrows. Mrs. Radigan must 
have noted it, but I think she cculd not have 
understood, for she went right on. 

"It is always better form not to seem 
ostentatious. That s what Mr. Lite told me, 
but I had a hard time driving it into John s 
head. John likes show. But I just put 
my foot down and said that now we were in, 
we must have a conservative spell, a quiet 
period, so people would get used to us. I 
have made up my mind to have one or two 
little things that will be very, very exclusive. 
For instance, I have decided on a donkey- 
dinner, for one." 

" Who is to be asked? " said I. 

" Only the smartest people," she answered, 
stirring her tea meditatively. " But it s a 
splendid idea. I am so afraid it will get in 
the papers and make a dreadful stir all over 
the country. I intend to write to the editors 
particularly and ask them not to print it. 
The outsiders are always so horrid, anyway. 
They can do all kinds of foolish things and 
nobody ever says a word, but the minute we 

83 



MRS. RADIGAN 

have something a little original, we never 
hear the end of it. Why, I remember years 
ago, when we were Baptists, going to church 
sociables, and nothing could be more absurd 
than an apron-and-necktie party, but nothing 
was ever heard of them outside of the church 
itself. If we were Presbyterians, and lived 
on Lenox Avenue, no one would print any 
thing about a beach-party we gave in our 
house on New Year s eve, or something 
foolish like that. But now, simply because 
we are Episcopalians and have a donkey-din 
ner in Newport, I know I shall be mentioned 
in sermons and prayers all over the country. 
It is dreadful!" 

" But, Mrs. Radigan," said I, " if you 
will leave the wings and get out in the mid 
dle of the stage and stand in the lime-light, 
you must expect to have some hissing from 
the audience." 

" But we never get any applause," said 
she, with a touch of resentment in her voice. 

" Because," said I, " all those in the body 
of the house want to be on the stage them- 
84 



MRS. RADIGAN 

selves a strange condition, but one that 
really exists. And as they are not in the 
company, they find comfort in picking flaws 
in the acting and the actors. Now, for in 
stance, a donkey-party for the benefit of your 
old Baptist church would not excite any com 
ment at all." 

" But at Newport it will make a sensa 
tion," she cried, clasping her hands and smil 
ing. " Oh, it will be perfectly dreadful ! " 

I had to smile too. Mrs. Radigan is a 
wonderfully clever woman in a social way. 
She seems instinctively to do the most start 
ling thing at the right time, and to have it 
all published in just the right place. I ex 
pect that within a year she will be known as 
New York s grandest dame, and that to be 
admitted to her house will be to be marked 
socially sterling. But Society is not an aris 
tocracy. It is the purest democracy. The 
Radigans, for example, could never in the 
world have got in the smart set at Harvard 
or Princeton. They do not know enough. 
But here is Mrs. Radigan, whose father-in- 

85 



MRS. RADIGAN 

law laid the foundation of a great fortune 
in pool-rooms, whose father lived a useful life 
between his home and his distillery; here is 
Mrs. Radigan, an immigrant from Kansas 
City, actually planning donkey-dinners. To 
what heights may she not soar? 

I sat sipping tea and silently admiring this 
remarkable woman. But she never lets you 
rest with one surprise. 

"Have you heard about Pearl?" she 
asked suddenly. 

"Surely, Miss Veal is not ill?" I ex 
claimed, in some alarm. 

" Oh, no engaged," Mrs. Radigan re 
plied laughing. " Engaged to Plumstone 
Smith." 

I had been expecting this for some days, 
and believed myself prepared for it, but the 
announcement was none the less disagreeable. 
Of course I have never had anything more 
than admiration for the girl. What man 
could help that ! Perhaps once or twice, in a 
vague way, there have come to me thoughts 
more ambitious, but they seemed too absurd. 
86 



.MRS. RADIGAN 

Pearl Veal is rich and beautiful, a rare com 
bination, and it was not to be expected that 
she would waste herself, all her charm and 
wealth, on a struggling nobody, a man who 
could boast nothing. So such silly dreams 
were laughed at in my sober moments. But 
when the announcement came, when I re^l- 
ized that, vague and silly though they were, 
they must be put away forever, I was a bit 
hard hit harder hit than I expected. 

; Well, it is fine ! " I cried, putting the best 
face possible on the matter. " Of course I 
knew it all along. But when are they to be 
married? " 

u Never," said Mrs. Radigan, sipping tea. 
You see, it s just for a while. It was an 
nounced, by mistake, in the papers this morn 
ing, but we have denied it. It will make a 
great deal of talk, you know, and the formal 
announcement will be made next week." 

" I see," said I. " But you say they are 
not to be married? " 

" Of course," said Mrs. Radigan. " You 
see, Pearl came to me and asked my consent, 
8? 



MRS. RADIGAN 

and I said they could be engaged for a while ; 
he is such a well-known cotillon-leader." 

" But doesn t she love him? " 

" Possibly, but that makes no difference. 
She doesn t know what love is, the dear thing, 
and is flattered because he is so dreadfully 
devoted to her. I encouraged it, because I 
don t think it does any harm for a girl to be 
engaged to one or two men before she really 
settles down. It improves her greatly. It 
gives her pose, manner, independence. Pearl 
is such a simple thing. Why, she thought at 
first that he wanted her money, but he assured 
her that it would never have made any differ 
ence at all if papa had never left her all those 
millions. He wanted her for herself alone. 
It s sweet of him, isn t it? Well, I told her 
that as long as they were so devoted to each 
other they might be engaged for a while 
until May, anyway. We are going to Lon 
don then for the season and will bring back 
a duke." 

" For the donkey-dinner? " said I. 

" Yes," said Mrs. Radigan. " Won t you 
have another cup of tea? ! 



CHAPTER X 

Miss Veal s Engagement is 
Announced 

MRS. RADIGAN has now announced the 
engagement of her sister to Plumstone Smith, 
Jr. She let it leak out a few weeks ago, 
and then kept the matter well before the pub 
lic by daily denials. But it was finally an 
nounced the other day, and on Sunday pict 
ures of the happy pair, with cupids hovering 
around them, and views of the new Radigan 
mansion, where, it was said, they were to be 
married in the fall, filled a page in several 
papers. Miss Veal s fortune was placed by 
the social historians at $20,000,000, though 
I know positively it is only a fifth of that 
sum. However, the Plumstone Smiths are 
secretly quite satisfied, for I notice that they 
89 



MRS. RADIGAN 

are having their old-fashioned brown-stone- 
front house redecorated, and Junior seems to 
have purchased himself an entire new ward 
robe. Deluded youth! He does not know 
Mrs. Radigan. He thinks that he has fixed 
himself for life, when, really, he is simply the 
isle of safety on which my good friends will 
rest secure for a few months in the smart 
whirl. After him, a London season and a 
duke. And he needs the money so ! Besides, 
Miss Veal is really a great catch. Miss 
Bumpschus, of course, is a greater prize finan 
cially, but, on her mother s side, her family 
is very old. She traces her line back to the 
eighteenth century without a break, so she 
might safely be called plain. 

Miss Veal, it always seemed to me, would 
make an ideal wife. She is rich and beauti 
ful, she can read and write, she is ineligible 
to be a Daughter of anything, and I have 
never heard her give forth an idea of any 
kind; she is stunning in an opera-box, and 
even her motoring garb cannot smother her 
loveliness. But, of course, Mrs. Plumstone 
90 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Smith had to intimate to a few close friends 
that her son was making a mesalliance in 
wedding this upstart from Kansas City. The 
Plumstone Smiths are as old as the Bump- 
schuses, but they have always been cultivated, 
and so are poor. But Plumstone Junior is a 
rising cotillon leader, and has a brilliant 
career before him in any event. His mother 
felt that more wealth and family, and less 
looks would be desirable. Echoes of this 
came to Mrs. Radigan s ears, and with that 
rare strategy of hers she announced that she 
had bitterly opposed the match from the 
start, as she felt that Plumstone had noth 
ing to recommend him but his pedigree. 
Family would not make the automobile go. 
This country was bursting with old families. 
Philadelphia alone could supply the rightful 
heir to every title in Europe. If Plumstone 
had some brains she would hail him as a 
brother, but as he was only a glorified danc 
ing-master, she would receive him on suf 
ferance. 

Forthwith came Mrs. Plumstone Smith, in 



MRS. RADIGAN 

a Williegilt carriage, to call on Mrs. Radi- 
gan and kiss her and call her " Sally." After 
her came the whole family, some vastly rich, 
some vastly poor, to rave over Mrs. Radigan 
and her beautiful sister. And Mrs. Radigan 
took them all in. 

Last night my friend gave a dinner in 
honor of her sister, and followed it with a 
marvellous musicale. The parade to the 
dining-room was led by Radigan with Mrs. 
Plumstone Smith on his wrong arm, while 
Mrs. Radigan, with the happy young man s 
father, acted as rear-guard, thus signifying 
the union of two great families. J. Madison 
Mudison, the smartest and clubiest member 
of the opposing faction, took in Miss Veal, 
while, as an artfully arranged contrast, Miss 
Bumpschus fell to Plumstone Smith, who was 
allowed, however, to sit next his fiancee. 
I am learning. By shuffling up the cards in 
the dressing-room I secured for myself the 
beautiful Marian Speechless, throwing Bertie 
Bumpschus between Constance Wherry and 
the Countess Poglioso Spinnigini, who cannot 
92 



MRS. RADIGAN 

speak English. To avoid confusion, Bertie 
had to take my place at the table, for I was 
in his chair first, delightfully fixed with Mrs. 
Bobbie Q. Williegilt on my left. He glared 
at me in silence through the four courses, and 
then the champagne came to his aid and he 
began to engage the Countess in a voluble 
conversation. 

Miss Speechless was a delightful change 
from Miss Wherry, with her ideas, and Miss 
Bumpschus, with her charities. She rattled 
on and on at me without any regard for 
what I was saying to her, which always makes 
conversation easy. I have not the remotest 
idea what she said. She laughed a good deal, 
and threw in lots of color occasionally for no 
reason at all, and as she is very pretty, I set 
her down as charming. She is a human pho 
nograph and seems to talk out what at some 
other time another has talked into her. But 
she must change the records often, else she 
would never be such a great belle. When she 
turned to Count Poglioso Spinnigini, I found 
on my other hand Mrs. Williegilt, as inter- 

93 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ested as ever in carbureters, bridge, and 
glanders. 

The dinner was a huge success. The 
twenty-four at the table, with the possible 
exception of Bertie Bumpschus, were in fine 
fettle, and as I glanced at the illustrious com 
pany, picking lackadaisically at course after 
course of the Radigan bounty, I felt that my 
friend had no need to give a donkey-dinner 
at Newport to make herself secure. Madison 
Mudison toasted Miss Veal in a few charm 
ing words. He envied his young cousin. Too 
late in life he was coming to the realization 
that love in a cottage was better than bach 
elorhood in a dozen clubs. Were he young 
again, he would search the world to find an 
other like Pearl Veal, were that possible. 
Radigan expressed his delight in having 
Plumstone Smith as a brother-in-law. If any 
one had asked him a month ago what man 
in all the world he would choose for his dear 
little sister he would have said " Plumstone 
Smith." This caused Plumstone to declare 
that he considered himself a devilish lucky 
94 



MRS. RADIGAN 

fellow; Miss Veal was a devilish lucky girl; 
they were all devilish lucky. Miss Veal 
smiled radiantly. I caught Mrs. Radigan s 
eye and thought of the duke to come. 

The musicale that followed was a fitting 
finish. The hosts arrived about ten o clock, 
and half an hour later began to enjoy $25,000 
worth of music. The house was comfortably 
filled with the smartest of the smart. The 
Skimphony Orchestra silenced them, and then 
Furioso s splendid voice rang out from the 
smoking-room. After he had sung several 
thousand dollars worth, Herr String, the 
eminent cellist, supported by the full Skim- 
phony, played beautifully. Roardika, Hem- 
stop, and several other high-priced artists 
followed him. Furioso closed the programme 
with " Ah mlo, mi mio." After Furioso, 
supper. And such a supper! The Radigans 
chef is an artist. 

When the duke comes for Miss Veal and 
the new house is done, they will show the 
town how to do things. 



95 



CHAPTER XI 

An Awfully Good Time 

SINCE her engagement to Plumstone Smith, 
Jr., was announced, Miss Pearl Veal is hav 
ing what in Society is called an awfully good 
time. This means that her day ends in the 
early morning and she awakens about noon; 
stands around other people s drawing-rooms 
at teas for some hours; hurries home to 
change her costume for dinner; sits smiling 
through a half-dozen courses ; is whirled away 
for a few acts of opera; hustled off to dance 
till close to dawn. Society has taken her up. 
People are doing things for her. Conse 
quently, I am beginning to fear that she will 
lose the color she brought from Kansas City ; 
that the lines of her face, once so round and 
soft, will straighten and harden; that she 
will give up smiling and take to talking, or 
96 



MRS. RADIGAN 

become phonographic, like Miss Marion 
Speechless. 

Mrs. Radigan, of course, is delighted. 
Mrs. Radigan has cause to be pleased. She 
has become a personage. She is being gos 
siped about in the most outlandish fashion, 
much to her own amusement and the indig 
nation of J. John, who always was slow- 
witted and not ready to appraise things at 
their real value. For instance, Radigan was 
in a towering rage when a weekly journal 
that chronicles the doings of the smart set 
hinted broadly that Mrs. Radigan was en 
gaged to marry J. Madison Mudison as soon 
as she had cleared away the present matri 
monial barriers by visiting South Dakota. 
Moreover, it was said that the husband had 
already found consolation and was acquies 
cing in the arrangement, as it was long known 
that he had been making eyes at Miss Ethel 
Bumpschus. The purest fiction ! Radigan 
and his wife are the most devoted pair imag 
inable, and even if it were the smart thing to 
do, I cannot conceive their separating, par- 
97 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ticularly if Radigan s winnings in such an 
arrangement were to be Miss Bumpschus. 
The story was, of course, promptly denied 
and put to sleep, but it serves to show the 
high place my friends at present fill in the 
public eye. Radigan was brought to this 
view and cooled down, but it required some 
diplomacy to soothe the ruffled feelings of 
Miss Bumpschus. A check for $5,000 for 
her pet charity, the Home for Aged Elevated 
Ticket-choppers, acted as a balm, and to 
show that she bore no ill-will against her 
fellow-sufferers she gave a dinner-dance in 
honor of Miss Veal. 

And this was but one of about fifteen 
" things " given for the girl in the past week. 
Mrs. Plumstone Smith, Miss Bobbie Willie- 
gilt, and Mrs. Lenox Mint all gave her 
luncheons; Miss Wherry and J. Madison 
Mudison gave her theatre-parties; the Dew 
berry Lambs a dance. Besides, she has been 
kept jumping from house to house every 
afternoon to meet people who have been 
asked to meet her. Then she has been asked 
98 



MRS. RADIGAN 

to act as bridesmaid at eleven weddings in the 
near future, and it will take no small part 
of her income for the year, large though it 
is, to buy gowns and hats for these joyous 
affairs, which will vary in shade from pink 
to saffron. Poor Miss Veal ! My heart goes 
out to her. 

I was favored with an invitation to the 
dinner preceding the Bumpschus dance, and 
had the honor of sitting between Miss Ethel 
and the Countess Poglioso Spinnigini, an ar 
rangement which I suspected was effected by 
Bertie Bumpschus in revenge for my taking 
his place at the Radigan table last week. I 
talked to the Countess in English, French, 
German, and Italian till my head ached, then 
turned her over to the guileless J. Madison 
Mudison at her other side. But Mudison is 
an old campaigner. He did not try to enter 
tain the fair Italian at all, but let her talk to 
him, occasionally breaking into her flow of 
jargon with the French expressions he had 
picked up at the bridge-table. How I ad 
mired him ! He is a man of tact. 
99 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Meantime I was in the hands of Miss 
Bumpschus discussing the needs of the aged 
ticket-choppers, and covertly watching Miss 
Veal down the table having an awfully good 
time. She was seated between old Mr. 
Bumpschus and Dewberry Lamb, talking 
out to them a few thoughts that I had talked 
into her the day before concerning the great 
novel of the week. Mr. Bumpschus showed 
his deep interest by eying her over the top 
of his upraised glass and exclaiming, "Ah! 
Indeed! " at proper intervals, and when she 
had exhausted him she turned to Dewberry 
Lamb and said, " I was just telling Mr. 
Bumpschus," etc. " How intensely interest 
ing! " exclaimed Mr. Lamb. " Indeed! " 

Blessed is the tobacco habit at times like 
this ! When the women had gone, I had an 
opportunity to soothe my nerves with a strong 
cigar and relieve the pressure of thought upon 
my brain by discussing stocks and real-estate 
with Madison Mudison. He also talked en 
tertainingly about the invasion of upper Fifth 
Avenue by tradesmen. It was with regret that 
100 



MRS. RADIGAN 

I left him to get down to the business of 

dancing. 

Dancing is the strangest of diversions. It 
is a curious relic of barbarity. To glide over 
a glassy floor, a beautiful girl on your arm, 
to the strains of some dreamy waltz, sweep 
ing around and around, free and fearless, 
that is one thing, but not the real. To go 
bumping and thumping through a maze of 
a hundred hopping and skipping and kicking 
men and women, to have your feet tramped 
on, to tangle them up in meshy trains, to have 
elbows poked into your eye, to strain your 
sight hunting for vacant places is that pleas 
ure? I waited in line a half-hour for the 
opportunity to take Miss Veal twice around 
the room. My collar was gone, my shirt 
front caved in, but waiting had given me 
rest. When she came staggering up she was 
on the point of collapse, her hair was awry, 
she was panting for air, and seemed to be 
wobbling on her legs, but when I handed her 
a paper parasol she said " Whew ! " long 
drawn, and away we went. Miss Bumpschus 
101 



MRS. RADIGAN 

stepped on my heel, Bobbie Williegilt s toe 
caught in the lace trimming of Miss Veal s 
gown and we had to stop in the most dan 
gerous spot while I gathered up the trailing 
yards of it, at the peril of being bowled over 
at any minute. Miss Speechless rammed a 
paper parasol into my ear, and a near-sighted 
stag rushing onto the floor for the hand of 
Miss Mint jumped heavily on my partner s 
foot, crushing her diamond buckle. But we 
got twice around. She said it was lovely. 

" I am almost dead," she gasped. " I ve 
been having such an awfully good time." 

With that she passed into the hands of the 
next man in that devoted row awaiting 
her, and was whirled from sight in the danc 
ing maelstrom. 

Yet man prides himself on being a reason 
ing creature. 



102 



CHAPTER XII 

Inspect the New House 

I WENT through the new Radigan house 
on Fifth Avenue the other day, and I must 
say that not in years have I had so delight 
ful an adventure as that trip through my 
friends fairy-palace. The phrase fairy- 
palace is used not to imply beauty, but the 
marvel of its building, for it might be said 
to have arisen in a night. But Coppe & 
Coppe are masterful architects. They hold 
the time record for a twenty-seven-story of 
fice building, and with artists like these, Radi- 
gan s money, and a cousin who is a walking 
delegate, wonders can be accomplished. The 
mansion to-day is practically finished, except 
for the lightning-rods on the tower, which 
rises from the western front, an exact copy 
of those truncated ones of Notre Dame. 

We strolled up in the afternoon, the Radi- 
103 



MRS. RADIGAN 

gans, Miss Veal, and myself, and on the way 
picked up J. Madison Mudison, who was 
walking off a little stag dinner of the night 
before, and seemed rather depressed. As we 
passed Seventieth Street we got the first view 
of the new house and crossed the street to get 
the best effects. Mrs. Radigan, with much 
pride, pointed out the exterior beauties of the 
structure. With the gardens, it occupies an 
entire block, save for a row of apartment 
houses on the Madison Avenue end, and I 
must confess that the bare backs of these 
plebeian structures, with their laundry work 
floating in the breeze, do not make an agree 
able setting; but Mrs. Radigan said that that 
objection would soon be done away with, as 
the upward trend of trade would eventually 
replace the flats with fine office buildings. So 
we tried to rub them from our eyes and see 
only the splendid edifice that was glistening 
in the afternoon sun. 

Mrs. Radigan was beaming. As mistress 
of such a home she had a good right. 

" Mr. Coppe assures me that it is perfect," 
104 



MRS. RADIGAN 

she said, when we had stood for some min 
utes in mute admiration. " He declares that 
it is his firm s she-dove." 

" Mr. Coppe tells me," she went on, " that 
the front is just like Ver-sales, the palace of 
the Lewises, Lewis cattorze, Lewis cans, and 
Lewis seeze. The tower is like that of Notre 
Dayme exactly, only red to match the front." 
Mrs. Radigan had assumed something of the 
air of a sight-seeing automobile lecturer, and 
fearing that her strident tones would collect 
a crowd I began to move ahead with Miss 
Veal. Then I caught a few words more and 
loath to lose so lucid a treatise on architecture, 
paused to catch this: "Mr. Coppe says a 
building must always express something. 
You observe how he has carried out the idea. 
Look along the north end of the second story 
and you will see a window with six classic 
columns outside. That is John s study." 

Meaning, of course, I pondered, that the 

Greeks always had columns outside their 

study windows. The tower, then, was meant 

to indicate that John was a vestryman in St. 

105 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Edward s, and the French front below that 
his wife was a leader of the fashion. I was 
curious to know what the back of the house 
expressed and was graciously informed that 
Mr. Coppe said that it was not a reproduc 
tion, but had been inspired by the Villa Medici 
in Rome. 

So we went on. A loud banging at a brass 
knocker, taken from one of Washington s 
head-quarters, set electric bells going inside 
and brought a workman, who summoned Mr. 
Coppe, he having been prepared for our com 
ing. Coppe is a charming fellow. He has 
danced his way to the very front of his pro 
fession, and as a cotillon-leader and artist has 
no rival in the city. Of late he has been giv 
ing his entire time to the Radigans, and his 
commissions on the interior decorations alone 
would allow him to retire for life. I could 
see that at a glance. In every room there 
was a goodly company of workmen work 
ing, for the walking delegate was there look 
ing after the interests of his relatives. 

The entrance-floor did not interest me 
106 



MRS. RADIGAN 

much. A few small reception and dressing 
rooms were surrounded by servants quarters 
and kitchens, and Mrs. Radigan refused to 
look at the kitchen. Cooking odors, she said, 
always nauseated her, a condition for which 
she had to thank her surfeited maternal an 
cestors, I suspect. So we went up the wide 
staircase, part of which was brought from 
an old French chateau. At the first landing 
Mr. Coppe drew our attention to a niche in 
the wall. 

" Here," he said, " we shall hang the 
famous Velasquez which I recently discovered 
on the East Side and purchased for Mr. 
Radigan for $40,000 a bargain." 

This was the first Radigan had heard of 
his prize, and it pleased him greatly. 

" Is it an ancient or a modern? " he in 
quired gravely. 

Hearing its age and that it was so old that 
the central figure hardly showed at all, he ex 
pressed his delight. Radigan has been de 
veloping wonderfully of late as a patron of 
the arts. 

107 



MRS. RADIGAN 

At the second landing we came to the well- 
known portrait of J. John Radigan, Esq., in 
hunting costume, and at the head of the stairs, 
in the foyer, the first thing to catch the 
eye was the picture of Mrs. Radigan, which 
made such a furore at the recent Acad 
emy. It is by the great Fatuous, who did 
the Kaiser, the Duke of Lummix, and Lady 
Angelica Mumm, and so has had a great 
vogue here this winter. In securing him to 
paint her into society last fall, Mrs. Radigan 
executed a master-stroke. She sat day and 
night that it might be done in time for the 
exhibition, but nothing ever daunts her. She 
declared that poor Radigan was risking life 
and limb playing polo and hunting foxes for 
her sake, and she just had to do something. 
Between sitting and polo I should say that 
the latter was the easier, but surely she was 
repaid for her suffering. 

Fatuous is an artist, indeed ! The woman 

of his canvas is lovely. She is about six inches 

taller than Mrs. Radigan, and perhaps fifty 

pounds lighter in weight. Leaning back 

108 



MRS. RADIGAN 

gracefully in her chair, her eyes are turned 
down, as she gazes tenderly and pensively at 
the child at her side. Spirituelle she looks, 
high-born and high-strung as becomes the 
daughter of a hundred Americans and the 
mistress of the largest house that fronts the 
park. 

" It s charming," said Mr. Mudison. 
" But who is the boy? " 

Jack," Mrs. Radigan answered. 

" Jack? " exclaimed the clubman, puzzled. 

" Not my husband my son," she re 
turned. 

" Ah," cried Mr. Mudison. " I see, I see. 
The child I met at Westbury, walking with 
a governess." 

One of the greatest triumphs of this demo 
cratic country of ours is the ease with which 
the plain Johns of one generation are suc 
ceeded by Jacks. I have never seen this Radi 
gan hopeful but once, and have hardly heard 
mention of him much oftener, but our mod 
ern system of keeping the children in storage 
until they are full-grown often leads us to the 
109 



MRS. RADIGAN 

erroneous idea that somebody s millions are 
just lying in wait for a library to found. 

" Mr. Fatuous said I must have a child to 
balance the composition," explained Mrs. 
Radigan. " So I had Jack brought up from 
Westbury, where we had been keeping him 
for the winter. He just hated sitting and it 
generally took me and the governess and a 
nurse to hold him. Sometimes he kicked 
dreadfully, but Mr. Fatuous made him look 
like a perfect dear. Thank goodness, though, 
that s over. I just couldn t stand the kicks 
any longer, so we got a child from an asylum 
I am interested in. He did splendidly." 

I wondered why Mrs. Radigan troubled 
sitting herself, and was on the point of mak 
ing the suggestion when she went on: 

" So here I am, sitting looking pensively 
at Jack, one of my hands resting on the arm 
of the chair and the other holding Jack s, 
who is looking up affectionately at me. A bit 
of light comes through the window, shining 
on my face and on the diamond buckle on my 
slipper, which rests on a silk cushion. I am 
no 



MRS. RADIGAN 

awfully angular and lovely and thin. Mr. 
Fatuous says he considers the woman in the 
picture one of the handsomest he has ever 
done. It really looks something like me." 

" A perfect likeness," cried Mr. Mudison. 

Mrs. Radigan was splendid when she felt 
the slippery floors of her real home beneath 
her feet. Her mien became majestic as we 
went from room to room first through the 
portrait-gallery, where already a few of the 
gems Mr. Coppe had bought on commission 
were being hung; then into the ballroom, all 
white and gold, and so artfully arranged with 
mirrors as to make a small dance appear like 
a charity ball ; on into the conservatory, where 
the artificial palms were already in place, and 
everything was being prepared for the rest 
of the plants. We retraced our steps to the 
other side, where the suite begins with a small 
salon, finished, as Mrs. Radigan explained, in 
light blue and gold, in the style of " Lewis 
cans." Beyond this is a large drawing-room 
in dark red, with several cosy-corners, mak 
ing it the only homelike apartment in the 
in 



MRS. RADIGAN 

house. It opens into the dining-room, done 
in light oak and very smart tapestries, show 
ing a series of hunting scenes on Hempstead 
Plain. After this, a good idea, all Radigan s 
own and very original, is the little cafe, which 
opens off one corner and joins the smoking- 
and billiard-rooms. It gives him all the com 
forts of his club in his own home, he says, for 
he can either sit down and punch a brass bell 
on the Flemish oak table, or have his choice 
passed to him through a small hole which 
communicates with the butler s pantry. 

Altogether the house is very complete. An 
elevator took us to the next floor. We saw 
Radigan s study, with a gymnasium adjoin 
ing it, and stairs leading to a swimming-tank 
below; the sleeping apartments, all exact 
copies of the royal suite in the Hotel St. 
Regis; the library, where room is provided 
for 10,000 volumes, for which Mr. Coppe 
has already placed a lump order. 

Everybody was delighted. For myself, I 
have never seen a more perfect house, one 
which so shows in every crack and cranny the 
112 



MRS. RADIGAN 

wealth and taste that have been lavished on it. 
Even J. Madison Mudison, who had been 
wandering around rather dazed and mute, as 
we turned to leave, said that it was " awfully 
jolly." It is. If Mr. Coppe had worked for 
years instead of two weeks over his plans 
he could not have conceived a dwelling that 
would better express its occupants. 

Mrs. Radigan was more than satisfied. I 
thought she would embrace the architect 
when we parted, so effusive was she. But in 
stead she gave him her royal command. 

You must positively be out of the house 
in three weeks," she said. " I am going to 
give an Indian ball and want the rooms fixed 
up like woods and wigwams and things. I 
simply must have the affair before Lent." 



CHAPTER XIII 
Go Skating at Exudo 

I AM beginning to suspect that the unwar 
ranted report that Mrs. Radigan is to marry 
J. Madison Mudison and Radigan to marry 
Miss Bumpschus may prove true, after all. 
At the time when it was printed there was 
absolutely no ground for the story, but the 
publication seems to have turned the thoughts 
of all concerned in a new direction and the 
suggestion is pleasing. In their efforts to 
prove that such a report is cruel Miss Bump 
schus is having the Radigans to something 
two or three times a week, and Mudison calls 
daily on Mrs. Radigan to express his regret. 
Radigan is supporting the Home for Aged 
Ticket-choppers, and has discovered many 
bonds of sympathy between Miss Ethel and 
himself. For instance, she loves church-work 
114 



MRS. RADIGAN 

and abominates polo and bridge. J. John, in 
his efforts to further his wife s ambitions, has 
been twice hit on the head by a mallet and 
has been rolled on by his ponies a score of 
times. Poker and passing the plate at St. 
Edward s are much more to his taste. His 
wife has sporting proclivities. She likes to 
have a bishop to dinner. It delights her to 
see her husband being beaten on the head 
by the mallets of the smartest men in town, 
and to watch him in his automobile tearing 
off one hundred miles of beach an hour. She 
was in ecstasy when the story got out that 
he had lost $100,000 in one night s play at 
Potlots, and he had to spend a few weeks 
at Newport to avoid the subpoena servers and 
reporters. As he had really lost the money, 
Radigan did not appreciate the additional 
prestige the incident had won for him. So 
you see there is a great incompatibility in tem 
perament. In Mudison, on the other hand, 
Mrs. Radigan has found her ideal man. He 
belongs to seven clubs; his polo handicap is 
nine; he is arrested monthly for overspeeding; 



MRS. RADIGAN 

he is literary and talks delightfully on the 
works of Winston Churchill and Anna K. 
Green; his family has been known in New 
York for nearly half a century, its founder 
being Sheriff Mudison, who left a large fort 
une. Of course there is the question of 
young Radigan, but he could easily be given 
to a third party, so I am not altogether sure 
that the change would not be a good one if 
Miss Bumpschus could be made to overcome 
her old-fashioned prejudices. 

There is at present, however, no sign of a 
movement toward South Dakota; but I sup 
pose if it comes to that, Mrs. Radigan would 
prefer to go in Lent, so as not to miss any of 
the winter season, and then she could be back 
for Newport in August. That would, of 
course, necessitate her giving up her plans to 
spend May and June in London and capture 
a duke for Miss Pearl Veal, but I fear she 
is occupying herself more with her own heart 
now than with her sister s hand. But the 
clouds are gathering for the storm if storm 
it can be called. Then, are not storms al- 
116 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ways followed by fair weather? We all went 
to Exudo skating the other day one of the 
clouds as the guests of J. Madison, who was 
endeavoring to show the world that there was 
nothing in the cruel gossip. Besides the Radi- 
gans and Miss Bumpschus, Plumstone Smith 
and his fiancee, Miss Veal, he kindly asked 
Miss Marian Speechless and myself. By a 
special effort Mrs. Radigan got up very early 
and we were able to catch the eleven-o clock 
train, so we reached the club by one. Who 
should we see there but Willie Lite, the Dew 
berry Lambs with the Count and Countess 
Poglioso Spinnigini, the Harry Stumbles and 
a lot of other nice people we know ! I had a 
glimpse of the Van Rundouns, with some 
queer-looking friends from Boston, but I had 
no chance to speak to them. The Dewberry 
Lamb party joined us at luncheon and we 
had a very jolly time at the big round table. 
Madison Mudison knows how to order 
a rare accomplishment. When we got 
through I felt as if I never wanted to move 
again, but would rather stretch my legs tow- 
117 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ard the blazing fire and smoke, smoke, 
smoke; but when you accept an invitation 
your host becomes your keeper, so we were 
all corralled and trotted away to the lake. 

Miss Speechless had brought her sister s 
skates, so I had to freeze my fingers adjusting 
the clamps to fit. Then, as I kneeled on the 
ice before her in a devoted attitude, while I 
fixed them on her feet and complained of 
their being too large, I froze my knees. By 
the time I had prepared myself to go gliding 
over the ice, I was all a-shiver and eager for 
a spurt that would start the blood going. 
But there, waiting for me, was Miss Speech 
less, standing with her feet together, balanc 
ing as though she were on a tight rope, plead 
ing to me to hurry. She was afraid to strike 
out, and when I reached her, was fluttering 
helplessly in the wind. So there was nothing 
for me to do but to tow her a difficult and 
dangerous task, as I am not an adept at going 
backward. It was work s more than I had 
counted on, and I was soon in a condition 
bordering on exhaustion. At last I was al- 
118 



MRS. RADIGAN 

lowed a moment s rest, and as I stood there 
panting, Miss Speechless, fluttering in the 
wind, told me how jolly it was; but I paid 
no attention to her, my eyes being fixed on 
the others. At one end of the lake J. Madi 
son Mudison and Mrs. Radigan, hand in 
hand, were gliding gracefully around. It was 
beautiful to see them. I am sure Mrs. Radi 
gan learned the art on the canal at home, 
though she says she spent her winters in 
Canada as a child. And as for Mudison, 
I forgave him his legs he should never wear 
knickerbockers when I saw the way he 
soared around on one skate. Out would go 
the right feet, left feet waving gently in the 
air; a swerve, and they were off in the 
other direction. They swept around in a 
graceful curve and came rolling down toward 
us, as lightly and airily, as unconscious of all 
but themselves, as though there were no laws 
of gravitation. It was beautiful to see them ! 
But at the other end of the lake, what a 
picture! Radigan and Miss Bumpschus, 
hand in hand, fluttering aimlessly about. 
119 



MRS. RADIGAN 

They went in little jiggety steps, and every 
now and then she would stop suddenly, with 
out warning, while he would go on to de 
struction. He was earnestly good-natured 
about it, though, and would clamber up to 
his feet and go on with her, undaunted. I 
worried about them once when I saw them 
coasting toward a weak spot in the ice, but 
Radigan, with rare good judgment and self- 
sacrifice, sat down and averted a disaster. 
And Miss Bumpschus seemed to enjoy it all 
tremendously. 

I could not stand forever in that freezing 
wind watching the progress of these two 
romances. Miss Speechless on skates was on 
my hands, and I had to resume my towing. 
A blessed moment came when Plumstone 
Smith rolled up and addressed some graceful 
nothings to her, upon which she seized his 
hands and asked him to take her around just 
once. That just once was lengthened into 
numberless times, for I slipped noiselessly 
away to the secluded spot where Miss Veal 
was airily cutting eights and double eights 
120 



MRS. RADIGAN 

and other figures. Together we sat on the 
bank, she in the shelter of her automobile 
coat smoking a cigarette with me, while we 
watched the others. Plumstone went by 
backward, puffing, dragging Miss Speechless 
after him. A smile crossed my companion s 
face you should see Pearl Veal smile ! as 
she gazed at the spire of smoke that went 
heavenward from her lips. She looked at me 
when they had gone by, and somehow we 
laughed. 

Mudison and Mrs. Radigan came rolling 
past us. They swept about and glided back 
to the secluded corners of the lake. Radigan 
and Miss Bumpschus came clattering up. 
They parted while they turned about, and 
then half-trotted, half-skated toward their 
end of the ice. 

" Isn t it a shame that Sally should be tied 
down to such a poor skater as John," said 
Miss Veal. 

But I was not thinking of John and Sally, 
I was covertly watching Pearl Veal, her 
rounded cheeks richly colored by the wind, her 
121 



MRS. RADIGAN 

soft reddish hair fluttering over the top of 
the upturned collar of fur, her glorious eyes 
on mine. I was wishing I were a duke or a 
member of the Stock Exchange or a cham 
pagne agent, or something like that. 



122 



CHAPTER XIV 

Exit Plumstone Smith, Jr. 

IT has come at last, and much sooner than 
1 had dared to expect. Of course I am speak 
ing of Miss Pearl Veal s engagement to 
Plumstone Smith, Jr. Poor Plumstone ! He 
is heart-broken. I saw him at the Ping-pong 
Club the other afternoon, smoking a cigarette 
and gazing abstractedly into the depths of 
a Scotch highball. He did not speak to me, 
and even though he might not have intended 
to cut me dead, such action would surely be 
in his right. And the cruel stories in Town 
Twaddle are at the bottom of it all. Last 
week that paper in its leader, in a guarded 
statement giving no names, announced that 
the engagement of a certain rich and beautiful 
girl, a new-comer from the West in Society, 
to a well-known clubman and cotillon-leader, 
a son of an old and impoverished family, had 
been broken. It said that the young man s 
123 



MRS. RADIGAN 

mother was in bed with nervous prostration, 
as she had had her house elaborately dec 
orated and had bought some stock on margins 
on the strength of the improvement in the 
family prospects; that the youth himself was 
spending his days in one of his clubs, pound 
ing a bell and crying, "The same! " But 
still more cruel, it laid the wreck of this home 
to a young real-estate agent, name not given, 
who had been insinuating himself into the 
graces of the innocent beauty. Now, did you 
ever hear the beat of that? In a separate 
paragraph it most politely intimated that Miss 
Pearl Veal s engagement to me would soon be 
announced. 

Where Town Twaddle got the story is a 
mystery, for it is true to the part where it 
accuses me of insinuating myself into the af 
fections of another man s fiancee. Though 
I have known Pearl Veal many months, I do 
not think we had spoken a dozen words to 
each other up to the day when we all went 
skating at Exudo. Then I must admit, as 
we sat on the bank smoking cigarettes and 
124 



MRS. RADIGAN 

watching Plumstone cavorting around the ice 
with Marian Speechless, she revealed her 
heart to me. No one was more astounded 
than I. 

Love steals upon us strangely in these days. 
Time was when men won women with the 
sword, when gallant deeds and pretty 
speeches, when a noble bearing and a nimble 
wit were the snare we set for beauty. How 
different now ! Little did I dream as I sat 
at the Radigan table, covertly admiring Miss 
Veal a cross the board, that I was awakening 
a divine flame as I consumed terrapin and 
champagne; that I was fanning that flame 
when I said "Ah! " and " You don t say! " 
when I discoursed on the weather or the 
beauty of the opera. These were the snares 
I set these, with a few well-cut clothes, some 
immaculate shirt-fronts and rather snappy 
ties. My conscience is clear. She would 
never have been happy with Plumstone had 
she allowed the affair to proceed to a church 
terminus, for it was evident that he was after 
her millions, and her only reason for accept- 
125 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ing him was to gain social position. But 
this reason exists no longer. To-day the Rad- 
igans are smarter than the Smiths. There 
are those who will bemoan the fact that such 
a condition can exist in Society. Croakers all ! 
Possibly they are the sons of some war, who, 
boasting the deeds of ancestors, are doing 
nothing themselves, and so are being pressed 
back by those who are doing to-day what 
the others forebears did yesterday. For 
myself, I like new things; fresh people as 
well as fresh vegetables; new families as 
well as new clothes. Old families new 
painted are pleasant to know, but spare us the 
heirlooms. After all, the Plumstone Smiths 
are the Radigans of yesterday. 

So Pearl Veal is in a position to choose. 
She has chosen and I bow to her will. There 
was a time when I suspected that she would 
take nothing less than a duke and would have 
a wedding-riot, but she says that love in a 
cottage is all she asks. So she has bought 
a forty-foot front lot on Seventy-ninth Street, 
and Coppe & Coppe are making plans for 
126 



MRS. RADIGAN 

it. So far I have had nothing to say in the 
whole affair. I seem to have done my part 
when I ate terrapin and drank my wine, and 
caught the occasional lustrous glance of the 
blue eyes over the board ; when I said " Ah ! " 
and " You don t say! " Then Pearl took a 
hand and now Mrs. Radigan is running the 
whole affair. 

Mrs. Radigan has been wonderful. Of 
course she never intended that her sister 
should marry Plumstone Smith, but after him 
she looked to a duke. That she consented 
to a real-estate agent I owe to J. Madison 
Mudison. She loves Mudison devotedly, I 
know, and it has softened her wonderfully. 
Her view of life has changed. She is less 
selfish. She sighs more and says less, and 
when Pearl and I asked her blessing, she just 
stirred her tea and said, " Oh, well, if you 
will." 

Pearl and I were too surprised to speak 
for a moment. 

Mrs. Radigan looked up from her tea and 
asked, " Who are your ushers to be? " 
127 



MRS. RADIGAN 

I said I did not care, but that I would like 
to have Green 3 who had lived in the same 
boarding-house with me in my lean years. 
At that she put her cup down and said 
fiercely: " I think I will have Mr. Lite act 
as best man. The ushers will be Harry Mint, 
Mr. Mudison, Bobbie Williegilt, and Dew 
berry Duff. John will give an ushers dinner 
for you at the Ticktock Club." 

" But " I was about to protest, but even 
Cupid had not taken the fire from those mas 
terful eyes, and I collapsed. 

"And your bridesmaids, Pearl?" said 
Mrs. Radigan, turning to my fiancee. 

" I would like to have my old school- 
friend, Mignonette Klapper," said Pearl, 
groping nervously for her cigarette-case. 

" Nonsense," said Mrs. Radigan. " Clar 
issa Mudison will be maid of honor, and 
the other bridesmaids will be Ethel Bump- 
schus, Marian Speechless, Pinkey Mint, 
and Marguerite Lamb. You see I have 
been expecting this and have made my 
plans." 

128 



MRS. RADIGAN 

"When is the wedding to be?" 1 asked 
feebly. 

" In Lent," said Mrs. Radigan, untouched 
by the covert sarcasm. " Some time after 
we move into the new house. I want to have 
the wedding-breakfast there. The wedding 
will be in St. Edward s, and will be performed 
by the rector. Of course I ll have some of 
our Long Island clergy with the Bishop to 
do some blessing." 

" Is there nothing that I can do? " said I. 

" You can look after the police arrange 
ments," said Mrs. Radigan. " It will take 
about sixty men at the church and as many 
at the house. Be sure and have some of the 
new mounted squad if possible." 

" But Sally " Pearl began to protest. 

Her sister cut her short with a sigh. 

" That will do for the present, dear," she 
said sweetly. 

Then she gazed into the depths of her tea 
just as I had seen Plumstone Smith do at 
the club. Poor Mrs. Radigan! 



129 



CHAPTER XV 

My Dinner to Miss Pearl Veal 

I GAVE a delightful little dinner in my 
rooms the other evening in honor of my 
fiancee, Miss Pearl Veal. Of course there 
were some hitches, but they were such as are 
likely to occur in any similar affair in a bach 
elor room-hold, so altogether it was a success. 
The company was limited by the size of 
my study, but I managed to get together a 
thoroughly interesting and congenial crowd 
of people. Radigan could not come, as there 
was an important meeting of the vestry of 
St. Edward s to devise ways and means of re 
decorating the rectory, but J. Madison Mudi- 
son took his place at the last minute, after 
telephoning to Miss Bumpschus that he had 
been called suddenly out of town and could 
not go to the opera with them. Mrs. Radi 
gan chaperoned, and, besides Miss Veal, the 
130 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Countess Poglioso Spinnigini and Mrs. Bob 
bie Q. Williegilt were there, and with Bobbie 
Q., Arthur Slaughterblock- Jones, and myself 
we just had elbow-room at the table. 

Slaughterblock-Jones was the only new 
comer and doubtful quantity. He is from 
Chicago, but having made a fortune in the 
formation and collapse of the United States 
Stove-lifter Company, he has hyphenated 
his name, moved to New York, and is living 
at the Ping-pong Club. I must say his ac 
quaintance has hitherto been limited to rather 
queer people, but as he has given me some 
useful tips in the market, I thought I would 
show my appreciation by letting him have an 
opportunity to meet a few of the smart set. 
He really did fairly well, and his stories, 
fresh from the woolly West, were an agree 
able change from the worn jokes of Mr. 
Mudison. Mrs. Radigan has taken him up, 
and has sent him an invitation to the Indian 
ball, with which the new house is to be 
opened. But, of course, he had to make some 
bad breaks. When he had sent us all off into 



MRS. RADIGAN 

convulsions over his anecdote about the Irish 
man and the life-insurance agent, he had to 
be reminded of another which he had heard 
at the Van Rundouns. Of all the people in 
the world to mention ! Turning to Mrs. 
Williegilt he asked her if, by the way, she 
knew the Van Rundouns, and she replied that 
she believed they at one time had a place next 
hers in Westchester, but she did not know 
them. She said it very quietly, but so firmly 
that he should have understood. He did not. 
He had to go blundering on, talking familiar 
ly I might almost say boastingly of those 
queer friends of his. He did not seem to 
realize that these were the swells of yester 
day; that they no longer stirred the social sea. 
For a moment I was in a panic lest he ask 
Mrs. Radigan if she knew the Van Rundouns, 
and I had to break in and ask Mr. Mudison 
to propound the riddle he had given me the 
day before when we happened to meet on the 
avenue. 

But I am getting into the middle of the 
dinner before even the soup. To begin with, 
132 



MRS. RADIGAN 

my rooms looked charmingly cosey. I had 
taken down the overflow of real-estate maps 
from my office and the pictures I got in Paris 
and put in their places some sporting prints 
and a dozen or so photographs of Pearl Veal. 
Stalk looked after everything. He is my 
new man, for it seemed to me that I was jus 
tified in having him when I was soon to marry 
four millions, and he looked so extremely 
well that Mrs. Radigan, thinking he was a 
man she had met somewhere, bowed most 
familiarly to him when she came in. The 
Countess thought he was Mr. Williegilt, and 
to avoid further trouble I had to whisper to 
him to stand in the hall till everybody arrived. 
The worst hitch of the evening was the 
ruin of the bottle of cocktails I had had 
mixed by William at the Ticktock Club. He 
makes the only cocktail in New York that is 
fit to drink. And after I had explained to 
everybody how good it was, Stalk went to the 
patent ammonia refrigerator in the bath 
room, to find that the temperature there had 
suddenly dropped about 100 below zero, and 

133 



MRS. RADIGAN 

the precious beverage was frozen solid. As 
it would have taken an hour to thaw that 
amber ice, we had to send downstairs for aid. 
Such cocktails as they sent up! There was 
entirely too much bitters in them, and Mrs. 
Williegilt got a bad olive in hers. As it went 
down she looked as if she were my enemy for 
life. I don t know what the other stuff in 
them was, but the effect was immediate. All 
the steam in the building seemed to be pour 
ing into the radiator and to defy all efforts to 
keep it out. We had to open the windows 
wide to reduce our temperature, and the con 
test between Mrs. Williegilt and the olive 
waxed fierce for a time, but we hurried the 
champagne and she won. 

Gray care was soon cast aside. The din 
ner was excellent in spite of the distance to the 
apartment-house kitchen. Madison Mudison 
was inclined to think that the champagne, 
though fair, was a trifle too sweet, but he 
always makes it a point to find some slight 
fault with the wine, and I did not mind it. 
Pearl smiled delightfully from soup to coffee. 
134 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Mudison and Slaughterblock- Jones vied with 
each other in telling stories. Even Mrs. 
Radigan asked what was the difference 
between a cab horse and a bunch of roses, but 
when we all gave it up she had forgotten. 
Bobbie Williegilt made two rolls into dough 
balls, and I interpreted to the Countess all 
that was said, resorting to French, German, 
and gestures as a mode of communication. 

It was about coffee that a lull in the con 
versation gave me an opportunity to say that 
I had gathered my few nearest friends to 
gether in my bachelor quarters; it would be 
my last dinner of the kind in my rooms, as 
I was about to give up the delightful free 
dom of bachelorhood for the still more de 
lightful captivity of a home with a wife for 
a jailer. Miss Veal and I I got no 
further than that, there was such an outburst 
of congratulations. Everybody pretended to 
be so surprised, though, of course, they had 
read all about it in Town Twaddle. 

The Countess made a little trouble in the 
lull that followed the applause, for, not being 
135 



MRS. RADIGAN 

able to understand me very well, she conceived 
the idea that the demonstration had some 
thing to do with Pearl s former engagement 
to Plumstone Smith, and, smiling at my 
fiancee, she raised her glass and proposed, 
" Monsieur Smees." They had a terrible 
time explaining it all to her, and Pearl and I 
had to look as if we were not in the room, 
though we could have heard Mrs. Radigan 
a block away as she made her French plain 
by shouting. 

Madison Mudison was charming. He 
saved the day. He choked the Countess off, 
and, pushing his chair back from the table 
and eying his glass meditatively, he made a 
delightful little informal speech, forgetting 
entirely that but a few weeks before at the 
Radigan dinner he had welcomed Pearl Veal 
into the family of Smith. As Mrs. Radi- 
gan s sister, he said, he regarded Miss Veal 
as near and dear to him. Were he a younger 
man, a richer man, a handsomer and a wiser 
man, he might perhaps be here in a different 
role with apologies to his host he might 
136 



MRS. RADIGAN 

aspire to a relationship still nearer and dearer. 
Too late in life he had come to realize that 
love in a cottage was better than bachelor 
hood in a dozen clubs. His part was to bless 
the mating of others. He wanted now, 
speaking for his dear friends, to welcome into 
the house of Radigan his young host. Money 
was not all of life; family was not all; brains 
were not all. He gloried in his young host, 
who, having none of these things, had come 
to New York, had made an honored name for 
himself in the real-estate world, had won the 
beautiful daughter of one of the city s best 
families. Miss Veal was lucky to win such 
a man. His young host was lucky to win 
such a girl. The Radigans were lucky. We 
all were lucky. 

I was just remarking that I believed I was 
the luckiest man in all the world when the 
telephone-bell interrupted, and Mrs. Bobbie 
Williegilt, being nearest it, playfully took up 
the receiver. She dropped it in a jiffy and 
sternly called to me. 

" I was sayin , came a voice from the 
137 



MRS. RADIGAN 

office, " that our rules requires that all ladies 
leaves the buildin at eleven o clock." 

" But " I began to protest. 

" We can t make no exceptions," said the 
idiot in the office. 

" See here," I began, getting desperate, for 
I heard Mrs. Williegilt calling for her wraps. 

We can t run no risks," said the big, loud 
voice below. " It s past the hour now." 

Stalk went down with a five-dollar bill and 
got an hour s grace, but fifteen minutes was 
all that was really needed, for by that time 
Mrs. Williegilt had led my guests on the 
retreat. 



138 



CHAPTER XVI 

Mrs. Radigans Costume-ball 

I HAVE just been going over the newspaper 
accounts of the Radigans costume-ball, and 
I must say that the columns and columns de 
voted to it, speak well for my friends stand 
ing in Society. It is generally conceded that 
New York has never before seen such a lavish 
affair, and the estimates of its cost go from 
$50,000 up. Yet these do not consider the 
new house, which was built primarily as a 
place of entertainment, not as a home ; so part 
of the million spent there should be charged 
against the dance. The whole affair was 
colossal. But the Radigans are paying the 
bills without a word, for they are more than 
satisfied with the advertising they have re 
ceived. Their position is now absolutely es 
tablished, and nothing can shake them out of 
smart society but the loss of their money. 
139 



MRS. RADIGAN 

The new house was a dream. Young Mr. 
Coppe, of Coppe & Coppe, the architects, had 
arranged all the decorations, and he showed 
rare taste and ingenuity, for to contrive the 
surroundings for an Indian dance was no 
simple matter. But he worked it out clev 
erly. Entering the great hall, the guests left 
civilization behind them and stood in a giant 
wigwam. It was a little out of shape, because 
of the proportions of the room, but the illu 
sion was well maintained by the arrangement 
of poles and hides, with decorations of bows, 
arrows, and imitation scalps hanging every 
where. Of course it was necessary to leave 
this for a moment and plunge into the civili 
zation of the dressing-rooms, where a score 
of servants costumed like trappers were in 
attendance. But when your costume was ar 
ranged you plunged into the wild again, pass 
ing through the wigwam, up the broad stair 
way, past the famous Velasquez and the 
Fatuous portrait of Mrs. Radigan and her 
child, pausing in the foyer, a charming forest 
with a pool full of goldfish in the centre, on 
140 



MRS. RADIGAN 

into the wigwam, once the portrait-gallery, 
where Mrs. Radigan received her guests. 

Mrs. Radigan was superb. Mrs. Radigan 
was unique. Mrs. Radigan was lovely. She 
was Pocahontas, and that there should be not 
the slightest color of scandal she made Radi 
gan appear as Captain John Smith, so when 
he wandered up, dragging his long rifle, she 
could with propriety acknowledge him as her 
husband. I do not know what the real Poca 
hontas looked like, but if she was anything 
like Mrs. Radigan she must have been ca 
pable of any heroism. Mrs. Radigan is 
massive. Her hair, black, flowing down over 
her shoulders, interworked with flowers and 
feathers, gave her in the higher altitudes the 
appearance of Hamlet s unhappy love. Her 
gown might be described as that of a nouveau- 
riche Indian maiden, for the famous Radigan 
pearls put the bead-work to sleep, speaking 
figuratively; and the rather short skirt gave 
a glimpse of open-work silks that might have 
been a gift from her Majesty of England. 

Mrs. Radigan was charming. There was 
141 



MRS. RADIGAN 

a smile and a hearty, whole-souled hand-shake 
for all, and as they came trooping past her 
in their Indian garb she had a word of ad 
miration for every one of them. Pearl Veal 
as Minnehaha, and myself as Hiawatha, each 
got a resounding kiss, which in my case dis 
arranged my deep bronze complexion. And 
as for J. Madison Mudison ! Pearl and I 
were at Mrs. Radigan s side when he arrived, 
and we noted that she held his hand very 
long and seemed to say nothing. But he 
might well have set anybody speechless. We 
should never have known him had not the 
giant trapper at the door, the pride of the 
servants hall, announced " Mr. Madison 
Mudison, the great medicine-man." He was 
simply hideous. His face was painted all the 
colors of the rainbow, and from his neck down 
he was festooned with stuffed snakes and car 
ried a vicious-looking war-club. When he 
had made his obeisance he stared open- 
mouthed at the marvellous alteration of the 
gallery, all hung as it was with hides and 
scalps, weapons, and trophies of the chase. 
142 



MRS. RADIGAN 

"Jolly," was his comment " awfully jolly! " 
Then, shouldering his weapon, he gathered in 
Miss Veal and went on into the ballroom. 

To go into the ballroom was like stepping 
into some primeval forest, so artfully had 
Mr. Coppe carried out his scheme. You 
seemed in an open place among the trees, a 
glade, with a green waxed floor underfoot, a 
starry sky twinkling stars overhead and 
about you the receding woods, whose unreal 
ity you only realized when you bumped into 
the wall. To carry out the illusion, the 
whistler of a downtown music-hall was hid 
den in the ceiling, and made a noise like a 
bird. There was a little stage at one end, 
and half of the Skimphony Orchestra was 
concealed in the conservatory, playing divine 
music. 

A remarkable scene! The place was 
packed with Indians, all laughing and chat 
ting till the noise they made sounded like a 
knitting-mill, and among them, his long rifle 
over his shoulders, moved Captain John 
Smith, nobly playing his part as host to the 
143 



MRS. RADIGAN 

distinguished company. Miss Bumpschus was 
there and she almost fainted when I sailed 
up with J. Madison Mudison, who made a 
threatening demonstration with his awful 
spiked club. I must confess I think Miss 
Bumpschus as an Indian looked better than 
usual, though her spectacles might have been 
dispensed with. Still, I suppose she wanted 
to see what was going on. Mrs. Bobbie 
Williegilt, on the other hand, was perfect, 
even to the papoose which she carried on her 
back. This infant caused some excitement by 
falling off on the floor later in a dance, for she 
had failed to explain to some of the dowagers 
that it was only imitation. Marian Speech 
less as an Apache maiden, Dewberry Lamb 
as Red Cloud, and Arthur Slaughterblock- 
Jones as a youth, were especially excellent in 
their make-up. By eleven o clock you might 
have fancied yourself back in the seventeenth 
century, sporting in the Virginia forests with 
Pocahontas and her people. 

A company of trappers marched in, and 
with ropes of roses marked off a ring in the 
144 



MRS. RADIGAN 

centre of the great room, so that clustered 
about it the smart tribes were regaled by a 
war-dance, in which seven of the cleverest men 
in town took part under the leadership of 
Madison Mudison. It was very well done, 
except that young Stuyvesant Mint s head hit 
one of the spikes of Mudison s club and he 
had to retire. They were followed by a com 
pany of debutantes and young men, including 
Miss Veal and myself, who did a minuet, 
which everybody said was charming, as the 
Indian costumes made it different from any 
thing of the kind they had ever seen. 

A fanfare of trumpets announced the ar 
rival of Miss Maggie McBride, the prima 
donna of the Hodge-Podge Company, who at 
present, you know, is the wife of young Bul 
lion, or am I thinking of old Emerson Dotty? 
The company immediately divided, forming 
a lane. Radigan advanced to the sedan chair 
in which four trappers had carried the ac 
tress, and helping her to alight, he gracefully 
led her to the stage. She, too, was in Indian 
costume, and about her neck wore the famous 
145 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Dotty diamond collar, for the possession of 
which the aged Emerson s former wife is 
now suing. Her performance was inimitable. 
She sang the same songs and danced the same 
dances that we can see any night for $2, but 
some of the Indians did not realize what it 
cost to have her perform in a private house, 
and became bored and began to move toward 
the odor of cooking. This necessitated cut 
ting her programme short, and rather hurry 
ing the feast. 

There was a general sigh of relief on the 
part of the bored Indians when Radigan led 
the way to the feast with Miss McBride on 
his arm, looking very lovely. Of course it 
was necessary at this juncture to part from 
Indian customs, so supper was served at small 
tables in the great suite of rooms which begins 
at the salon and ends in Radigan s little 
cafe, all arranged like wigwams. The wait 
ers, attired as trappers, were very pict 
uresque; indeed, the supper was most excel 
lent and the fire-water of many kinds and un 
limited in quantity. The heat of the rooms 
146 



MRS. RADIGAN 

made the paint run somewhat, and conse 
quently there was a considerable exit of the 
more elderly Indians after the last course. 
The younger element stayed to dance, until 
almost daybreak. Many before going home 
went to the billiard-room, where Radigan had 
thoughtfully established a number of profes 
sional photographers, who took pictures of 
the guests at his expense, for the Radigans 
have a way of leaving nothing undone that 
will add to the pleasure of their guests. They 
spare no expense. That is the way they have 
been able to become so extremely smart, and 
that they are smart none can doubt who reads 
the list of their guests. Take, for example : 

Mrs. Plumstone, Mrs. Garish, 

Count and Countess Poglioso Miss Bumpschus, 

Spinnigini, Mr. Williegilt, 

Mrs. Bobbie Q. Williegilt, Mr. Stuyvesant Mint, 
Miss Speechless, Joshua Jumpkin, jth, 

Miss Constance Wherry, J. Madison Mudison, 
Mr. and Mrs. Dewberry Williegilt Bumpschus, 

Lamb, Mrs. Edgerton Twaddell, 

Mr. and Mrs. John Twitter, The Misses Twaddell, 
Mrs. Very, Mr. E. Williegilt, 

147 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Mr. and Mrs. Timpleton Miss Clarissa Mudison, 

Duff, Miss Tumbleton, 

Mrs. Hegerton Humming, Mr. Cecil Hash, 

Miss Humming, Prince Cosmospopolis, 

Mr. E. Humming, Miss Mint, 

Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Tat- Mr. Willie Lite, 

tier, Mr. Garish, 

Miss Bilberry, Mr. Horatio Gastly, 



148 



CHAPTER XVII 

The Duke of No castle Arrives 

His Grace the Duke of Nocastle is in town, 
and the way the wheels are buzzing within 
wheels keeps me in one long headache. I 
must confess I am worried. As I was sitting 
in the Ping-Pong Club the other afternoon, 
gazing into the depths of a Scotch, Plumstone 
Smith, Jr., addressed me in an airy way. 

" I see that the Duke has arrived," said he 
smiling. 

I have no recollection of what I said to him, 
but I hope he does not report it to the gov 
ernors, for I suspect that it was not the kind 
of language one gentleman should use to 
another in the club. He seems content, how 
ever, to smile at me and cut me dead. But I 
do not care for him, for he is nothing but one 
of these dingy heirlooms that is handed down 
in Society from generation to generation. Of 
course I think all will come out well in the 
149 



MRS. RADIGAN 

end, but still I shall not be sure till Pearl Veal 
and I have walked down from the altar to 
gether and the mob at the church-door is 
actually pulling her dress to pieces. Natu 
rally, the matter lies entirely with his Grace, 
but I find strength in the fact that Ethel 
Bumpschus has ten millions, while Pearl can 
boast but four. But Miss Bumpschus is so 
plain! Of course, once she became a 
duchess we should all rave over her beauty, 
but while she is an American " Miss," there 
are some doubts on that point. It is unfort 
unate that the Duke should be visiting the 
Bumpschuses, for distance lends enchantment, 
and Pearl Veal, with $4,000,000 six blocks 
away, must be fascinating to a man who dines 
daily with Miss Bumpschus and her ten. 

Nocastle is a relative of Nothingham, who 
a few years ago married a Bumpschus. His 
arrival in this country was announced by the 
papers with a great flourish of trumpets, and 
the social historians even went so far as to 
say that he was to marry Miss Ethel, that 
the match was one of love, pure and sim- 
150 



MRS. RADIGAN 

pie, that he had met her at Nice while he 
was staying there incog., and had lost his 
heart on sight to the sweet and simple little 
New Yorker. They did meet at Nice last 
winter; but he hurried back to England and 
stuck to his pride and his leaky castles till a 
few heavy rains had mildewed his wardrobe. 
Thereupon he set sail for this country to get 
the means to mend his roofs. To mend the 
roofs of a half-dozen English castles requires 
the fortune of a Radigan. 

When a picture of the Duke in his Guard s 
uniform burst upon my eye as I opened my 
paper at breakfast on the morning of his ar 
rival, I was panic-stricken. He was magnifi 
cent, seemed to stand about six feet six, and 
wore as many decorations as one of our own 
Sons of the Revolution. When I read of his 
achievements I was in despair. A man of 
action, he. He had served in the Soudan 
with the Red Cross Society; had been deco 
rated by her Majesty for his services in the 
commissary department in South Africa; had 
written a pamphlet on the ginger-beer evil, 



MRS. RADIGAN 

and had made several speeches on that sub 
ject in the House of Lords. What chance 
would a plain American real-estate agent have 
against a man like this? 

That afternoon I dropped in at the Bump- 
schuses to see him, and seeing him, hope rose 
again. His Grace is possibly five feet four, 
partially bald, very pale, and wears a tiny, 
fuzzy mustache turned upside down. His 
collar was much too big for him, and seemed 
designed to allow him to draw his head in 
like a turtle. As for his clothes, they were 
cut in the English fashion, to fit a fire-plug 
or an upright piano. I must say that he was 
very affable, and declared that everything he 
had seen was " jolly little," or " jolly big," or 
" jolly good." For a while he looked so 
small and harmless and behaved so decently 
all around that I quite lost my heart to him 
and promised to show him the sights of the 
town, the Flatiron Building, the Brooklyn 
Bridge, and the Clark mansion. Then Miss 
Speechless pulled me over to one corner and 
told me not to be so familiar with him, as he 
152 



MRS. RADIGAN 

was one of the greatest men in England. 
And when she got through reciting his name 
I was so evercome I hardly dared speak in 
his presence. Fancy my clapping on the 
shoulder Charles John Peter Michael Henry 
Edwin Reginald Clarence Angus Joseph 
Fitznit, Duke of Nocastle, Marquis of 
Bumpshire, Earl of Duckham, Baron Llfygn- 
tynllan, Baron McGonigle in Ireland, Knight 
of the Garter, the Bath, the Fleece. When 
I raised my eyes again to his Grace I saw him 
as in the photograph, six feet six in the uni 
form of the Guards; I saw Mrs. Radigan, 
just in, holding his hand and calling him 
" Duke "; I saw Pearl Veal in an attitude of 
rapt admiration and I shuddered. 

It was evident that Mrs. Radigan did not 
know his entire name, for she talked to him so 
familiarly, tapping him with her fan, calling 
him " Your Royal Highness," " Your Grace," 
" My Lord," and " Duke " with equal facil 
ity. Miss Bumpschus was furious. She tried 
in vain to get her guest out of the master 
ful woman s hands, but was outgeneralled. 

153 



MRS. RADIGAN 

You simply cannot awe Mrs. Radigan. She 
showed the Duke that she was on easy terms 
with nobility by asking him if he knew the 
Count and Countess Poglioso Spinnigini and 
her dear friend, Prince Cosmospopolis of 
Greece. When he replied that he had not 
that pleasure, she got up a dinner on the spot 
for Thursday evening. Miss Bumpschus 
kept breaking in all the time, but accom 
plished nothing. Mrs. Radigan told the 
Duke plainly that she would not let Ethel 
monopolize him. She wanted him to know 
her little sister, Pearl Veal, who had long 
been reading about him and was devoted 
to Red Cross work and the ginger-beer prob 
lem. Pearl was looking very lovely indeed, 
as she stood silently smiling at her sister s 
side, and his Grace promised to come to 
lunch the very next day. By this time I 
joined my cause with Miss Bumpschus and 
we surrounded them and forced the Dewberry 
Lambs between Mrs. Radigan and the prize. 
She took it good-naturedly and sipped tea with 
Willie Lite. While Mrs. Dewberry Lamb 
154 



MRS. RADIGAN 

was telling Nocastle how her automobile had 
broken down on the way, he cross-examined 
me as to my friends. 

" Who," he asked, " is the jolly girl with 
the eyes, that that jolly Mrs. Bannigan intro 
duced to me Cutter Cuttle Cutlet? " 

" Ve-al," said I, emphasizing the French 
pronunciation indignantly. 

" Veal," said he. " A jolly name. I knew 
it had something to do with dinner." 

" Miss Veal is my fiancee," said I sternly. 

"Lucky fel-lah," said he; "jolly lucky. 
I lunch there to-morrow." 

Lucky ! At that moment I was the most 
unhappy man in all the world. I saw my 
self at the mercy of this great Englishman; 
I saw myself going the way of Plumstone 
Smith ; I saw slipping from my grasp, not four 
millions, but Pearl. Strange as it may seem, 
I have never given a thought for her money. 
I know no one will believe it, but nevertheless 
it is true. To sit quietly with her is happi 
ness. She is altogether lovely in her eyes, in 
her color, in the roundness of her face, and 
155 



MRS. RADIGAN 

the fulness of her form. Mere talk is the 
complement that makes plainness attractive. 
Pearl Veal seldom talks. She smiles. She 
smokes. And when the gray clouds float 
around her she is like a charming sunset. 
People say she is brainless. When I want 
learning I can find it in books; when I want 
wit, I can read my Richardson and Lamb. 
I am not blind. Beauty feasts my eye. To 
delight me it only has to smile. Pearl and I 
are boon companions. She says she finds real 
contentment in my company ; I do not bore her 
with chatter about stocks and real estate, 
about novels and plays, about tennis and 
bridge; I just smoke and smile; my clothes 
fit so very well and my taste in ties appeals 
to her. Then, when the air is clear and crisp, 
when the sunlight kaleidoscopes the avenue 
and its many-colored fronts, when all the town 
seems to be afoot or awheel, we find it rare 
sport to escape Mrs. Radigan and go tearing 
along together, speaking to those we ought 
not to speak to, and leaving unspoken to those 
to whom we should speak, to hail Mignonette 
156 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Klapper and Estelle Beerberger, Green, and 
the fellows of my old boarding-house. Some 
times, in more serious mood, we turn into 
Madison, the avenue of sentiment, the thor 
oughfare along which the young and thought 
less wander into matrimony. Sometimes 
Pearl becomes cynical. Sometimes she rails. 
She wonders whether it really pays to be so 
smart as we have become under Mrs. Radi- 
gan s generalship. Then it is that I know 
that she has brains. 

Are these days over? I am looking to the 
future with dread. Few women, however 
noble, can refuse a Duke. When the oppor 
tunity comes they deem it a sacred duty to 
mend the roofs of historic castles. I feel that 
my fate lies entirely with his Grace. Will 
he take Miss Bumpschus and her ten millions, 
or Pearl Veal with her four? I await his 
decision. He had luncheon with the Radi- 
gans yesterday. To-morrow he dines there 
with Prince Cosmospopolis, the Poglioso 
Spinniginis, and other local nobles. A few 
days will decide all. 

157 



CHAPTER XVIII 

A Problem for the Duke 

POOR Nocastle ! His Grace seems to have 
a problem to solve that is beyond his intel 
lectuality. Here stands Ethel Bumpschus, 
with spectacles and ten millions; there Pearl 
Veal, beautiful, with but four. Which will 
he choose ? And surely he has only to choose, 
for he is a peer of England. He is only five 
feet four, partially bald, pale, fuzzy mustache 
upside down, but then, besides, he is Charles 
John Peter Michael Henry Edwin Reginald 
Clarence Angus Joseph Fitznit, Duke of No- 
castle, Marquis of Bumpshire, Earl of Duck- 
ham, Baron Llfygntynllan, Baron McGonigle 
in Ireland, etc. He has been here nearly 
two weeks now, turning the Bumpschus house 
upside down, and yet his engagement to its 
heiress has not been announced. Town 
Twaddle cruelly reported that there had been 
158 



MRS. RADIGAN 

a hitch over the settlements, that his solicitor 
had been cabled for, and that pending the 
arrival of Sir Charles Wigge no announce 
ments would be made. But I know better. 
The hitch came that afternoon at the Bump- 
schuses when the noble eyes lighted on Pearl 
Veal, as she stood beside Mrs. Radigan, 
smiling. Since then his Grace has haunted 
the Radigan house, and when he is not loaf 
ing in the shadow of its mistress, he is sitting 
on a bench in the Park Mall, seeking an 
inspiration in the bust of Robert Burns. 
Time is flying. He will have to decide soon, 
for he has bought a brace of bull pups and 
the fancier is standing all day in the Bump- 
schus hall, respectfully waiting for his money. 
My position is a hard one. Were Pearl 
the only one to be coped with, there would be 
no doubt of the future, but with a social 
Oyama like Mrs. Radigan opposing you, 
there can be little hope. Mrs. Radigan is very 
frank. She got me in a corner the other day 
and proceeded to explain to me why the en 
gagement should be broken at once. Pearl s 
159 



MRS. RADIGAN 

happiness for life was at stake, she said, and 
surely I would sacrifice myself for her. But 
is it happiness? said I. She told me that I 
was a child. Pearl would be a duchess, the 
mistress of four castles ; she would take prec 
edence over Clarissa Bumpschus, who had 
married the Duke of Nothingham, and over 
Evangeline Very, who was to wed the Earl 
of Less; she could snub Ethel Bumpschus, 
who had always been a snob, anyway; and 
the Japanese war would be forgotten while 
the wedding was under way. Was this not 
happiness for any girl? As for me, she 
promised me that I should be best man, and 
surely it would give me more distinction to be 
best man for a duke than to be the groom 
myself. 

I admitted that the prospect was dazzling 
all around, but asked about the Duke s debts, 
which I had heard ran up close to a million, 
not counting the bull pups, and would eat a 
large hole in Pearl s pocket-book. Mrs. 
Radigan laughed. Trust her for that, she 
said. The Bumpschuses had settled Noth- 
160 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ingham s debts for ten cents on the dollar, 
and she was sure that $500,000 would mend 
Nocastle s roofs and satisfy his creditors. 
She appealed to my sense of honor. Was it 
right for me to expect Pearl to marry a plain 
American real-estate agent when she could 
have at her call one of the greatest men in 
England? It was selfish of me, I admitted. 
Then, weary of it all, in rather hopeless fash 
ion, I said that we had best leave it all to 
Pearl. 

Mrs. Radigan was triumphant. She 
seemed to think the last obstacle to a noble 
brother-in-law removed. She said that I was 
a dear, unselfish boy, and all that. She could 
now go on with her plans, and would have 
the wedding right after Lent at St. Edward s. 
Just then Pearl came in, all aglow from a 
forty-mile spin in her car with Marian Speech 
less, and when she had emerged from her furs 
she sank into a chair and called for tea and 
cigarettes. 

I gave her a light, and when she was smok 
ing contentedly, Mrs. Radigan said: " It s all 
161 



MRS. RADIGAN 

settled." Then she explained that I was will 
ing to retire in favor of his Grace. 

Pearl just smiled and smoked that inscru 
table smile of hers. 

" Well? " said Mrs. Radigan sharply. 

" Well? " said Pearl, blowing rings. 

" The engagement s off," said Mrs. Radi 
gan. 

"Which one?" said Pearl smiling. 

" The present one," said Mrs. Radigan 
sharply. 

"Why? "said Pearl. 

" Because I think you should marry the 
Duke," said Mrs. Radigan. 

"Indeed?" said Pearl. 

" You would be happier with a duke," said 
Mrs. Radigan firmly. 

"You think so?" said Pearl. 

There is no woman living that would not 
jump at a duke," said Mrs. Radigan. You 
will be the envy of every girl in town." 

Pearl smiled and smoked smoked inscru 
tably. 

"Well?" said Mrs. Radigan. 
162 



MRS. RADIGAN 

" We will walk down Madison Avenue," 
said Pearl, rising, and turning her lustrous 
eyes to me. 

Her conduct has puzzled me greatly. It 
seemed like prolonging the torture before the 
end. For when it comes to a choice between 
a duke and a real-estate agent, there can be 
but one answer. It only remains for his 
Grace to make up that feeble mind of his, and 
my day-dream will be over. Now I am en 
joying it as best I can. 

As we strolled down Madison that after 
noon, it seemed to me that it would likely be 
our last appearance together on the avenue of 
sentiment. We were silent. My mood was 
too despairing for silly prattle, and Pearl sel 
dom speaks, and then in hardly more than 
monosyllables. Once I thought I would end 
it all there, and so let my tongue run away 
with me for a moment. I think I referred 
to the duke in ungentlemanly language. Her 
answer was a smile more inscrutable than 
ever. 

That night the Duke dined with us to meet 
163 



MRS. RADIGAN 

the local nobility. Of course it was informal, 
being Lent, and Mrs. Radigan being relig 
ious, so the dinner was set for 7.30 in accord 
ance with the church ritual, but no one ap 
peared until after 8. Of course his Grace 
took Mrs. Radigan in, and with her usual 
tact she had fixed Ethel Bumpschus at his 
right, with Pearl across the table, so the con 
trasts were very sharp. Artfully, too, she 
had exiled me to the other end, between the 
Countess Poglioso Spinnigini and Mrs. Bob 
bie Q. Williegilt. Mrs. Radigan was in high 
feather, with a noble to the right of her, 
a noble to the left of her, and champagne 
in front of her. Prince Cosmospopolis of 
Greece is a very delightful man, and as he has 
been in this country a long while as agent of 
a Sicilian olive house, he speaks English very 
well, and so kept the attention of Pearl Veal 
through the whole dinner, as Count Poglioso 
Spinnigini on her other hand early gave up 
trying to make himself understood and found 
consolation in his plate and glasses. Clever 
Mrs. Radigan! The Duke was evidently 
164 



MRS. RADIGAN 

much worried by the princely olive agent s at 
tentions to his hostess s beautiful sister. Oc 
casionally he would turn his eyes from her to 
venture that something was " jolly," but for 
the most part he was silently gazing over the 
board. Once he got his courage up and tried 
to break up Prince Cosmospopolis s tete-a-tete 
by giving a loud " haw," and then: " I say, 
Miss Cutlet." 

Naturally, there was a hush. Then every 
one began talking as loud as possible, and the 
desperate Duke absently drained Mrs. Radi- 
gan s champagne glass to the bottom. Pearl 
looked my way, and I saw the corner of her 
mouth twitch. 

Miss Bumpschus was triumphant. I could 
see that in her well-bred laugh. Poor young 
woman ! She did not realize for what pur 
pose Mrs. Radigan had been engaging her 
across the Duke in a long dissertation on the 
needs of the aged ticket-choppers. She did 
not know that in me a new champion had 
arisen in her cause. The idea of joining 
forces with her came to me by a sudden 
165 



MRS. RADIGAN 

thought, and quick as the women had gone, 
and we were in the smoking-room, I got his 
Grace off in one corner. We are very good 
friends, for I have put him up at one or two 
clubs, besides showing him the sights of the 
town. Glorious were the colors in which I 
painted the plain Ethel. She had ten mill 
ions now in her own name, and when old 
Bumpschus died there was another ten com 
ing. Better still, old Bumpschus had heart 
disease, and I had information that he was 
likely to drop off at any time. The Duke 
smoked up a cigarette in a minute and a half, 
and his lips moved as though he were working 
a problem in mental arithmetic. Then I inti 
mated that Miss Veal s money was rather pre 
cariously invested, that with the present Stock 
Exchange quotations her fortune varied daily 
from one to two millions. His Grace seemed 
much affected. 

" She s a jolly girl a jolly, lovely girl," 
he said, as we were returning to the drawing- 
room. 

" Miss Veal? " said I nonchalantly. 
166 



MRS. RADIGAN 

" She s jolly, too," he said. 

But when he sat down on the sofa beside 
Miss Bumpschus and began to count the lights 
in the chandelier, I knew of whom he was 
thinking. A moment there only, and his gaze 
fell on Pearl, looking up into the face of the 
gallant Cosmospopolis. She glanced his way 
and smiled lustrously. Ethel Bumpschus was 
forgotten, deserted. His Grace shot across 
the room and secured the prized vacant place 
before the Prince was aware of the danger. 

" Jolly evening," cried the Duke; " awfully 
jolly!" 

" It is delightful that your Royal Highness 
cares for our simple American ways," said 
Mrs. Radigan beaming, as she sat shuffling 
the cards for a table of bridge. 



167 



CHAPTER XIX 

His Grace Still Hesitates 

I DO not believe that Mrs. Radigan will 
marry again. Time was very recently when 
she had a fond eye on J. Madison Mudison, 
for he was undoubtedly the smartest bachelor 
in town, while she had risen no higher than 
to stand in the line of patronesses at sub 
scription dances. Now with the new house, 
the costume-ball, and the completion of a 
traffic agreement between the Radigan and 
the Williegilt railroads, she has set herself 
on such a dizzy height that a match with Mr. 
Mudison would be a tumble, for Radigan to 
day belongs to just as many clubs, and, be 
sides, has millions that keep adding unto 
themselves. She just sighs when Mudison 
is mentioned, and perhaps she will blush a 
little and say there was really never anything 
168 



MRS. RADIGAN 

in the reports that were abroad. So we re 
gard the affair as history, and Mrs. Radigan 
never troubles about the past. Her concern 
is with the future, and to-day the future lies 
over the sea, among the beer-pots of England, 
among the leaky palaces of the great Duke 
of Nocastle, and in the court of his Majesty 
the King. I grow sad when she reveals her 
ambition, for to me it means the loss of Pearl 
Veal; for though at times there comes to me 
through the cloud of cigarette smoke that 
hovers around that lovely girl, comes with 
her smile and her monosyllabic utterances a 
gleam of hope, it seems really madness to 
think that when the crucial question is popped 
by his Grace s solicitor she will refuse. Mrs. 
Radigan says that her sister is not mad. Mrs. 
Radigan interprets the inscrutable smile as 
favorable. Mrs. Radigan goes on laying her 
plans for a great wedding, and has already 
hired a press agent. 

" We can let him have an office in the little 
reception-room downstairs," she said to me 
over her teacup the other day. " He can 
169 



MRS. RADIGAN 

have his type-writers and telephone there, and 
I am sure that the noise will not disturb us 
away off here." 

" But my dear Mrs. Radigan," said I, 
" you must remember that I am still engaged 
to your sister, and that Ethel Bumpschus is 
in the field pitting her ten millions against 
Pearl s paltry four." 

" Your engagement is a minor matter," re 
plied Mrs. Radigan pleasantly; "you must 
remember that while it may seem important 
to you, it is Pearl s third or fourth, for before 
Plumstone Smith she had several devoted ad 
mirers in Kansas City. As for Ethel, I have 
plainly intimated to his Highness that if worst 
comes to worst, Radigan and I will make up 
a purse between us to quite bring Pearl s dot 
to Bumpschus proportions." 

Truly, when Mrs. Radigan sets her mind 
on accomplishing anything, one might as well 
get out of her way. But I die hard myself. 

" Has the Duke proposed? " I asked. 

" Pearl tells me not," was the quiet reply. 
" But you know his Highness is waiting for 
170 



MRS. RADIGAN 

his solicitor, and when Sir Charles Wigge 
arrives from London, we can look for do 
ings, real doings. I tell you, any girl might 
well be proud of having a * Sir come 
to her to lay the hand of a duke at her 
feet." 

" A ghastly ceremony," said I, thinking of 
one thing. 

" You are not qualified to judge," said she 
smiling, and evidently misinterpreting my re 
mark. 

But how clever she is ! Most women con 
ducting such a campaign would seek to 
separate the Duke from the Bumpschuses and 
bring him entirely within their own sphere 
of influence. But Mrs. Radigan regards 
Ethel Bumpschus as her chief ally, though an 
unwitting one, and when she gets possession 
of his Grace she likes to have the great heiress 
around. She says Pearl shows so well against 
a plain background. The poor Duke is al 
most distracted. What with Pearl s beauty 
and my insidious remarks to him about the 
enormous wealth of the house of Bumpschus 
171 



MRS. RADIGAN 

and the speculative character of the Radigan 
fortunes, he flutters about as aimlessly as a 
wounded butterfly and has about as much to 
say. When the dog-fancier is particularly 
pressing for a payment on the bull pups his 
Grace will concentrate his attentions on one 
heiress or the other for a day at a time, then 
he will go all to pieces again and aimlessly 
wander up and down the Park Mall or stand 
on the Battery wall watching the steamships 
come in. 

Mrs. Radigan told him the other day that 
she could see by his face that he was working 
too hard, and insisted that the bracing air of 
Hempstead Plain could alone save him to his 
country. So we all went down to the West- 
bury place for a week-end, even Miss Bump- 
schus, with Constance Wherry and Williegilt 
Mint, a youngish chap, who is studying at 
Harvard, and so has not much to do except 
go about. Pearl took some of us down in 
her car in the afternoon, while the rest went 
by train, arriving in time for dinner. The 
Duke was in our party, but I doubt if ever 
172 



MRS. RADIGAN 

again he will trust himself to the mercy of 
our fair chauffeuse, for Pearl is an expert 
with her car and can run as close to a hub 
without scraping it as can the Frenchman 
who looks after the Radigan machine-shop. 
We put the Duke and Miss Bumpschus be 
hind, with Gascan as chaperone, and we 
should never have known they were there 
as we ran down the avenue to Thirty-fourth 
Street had not the Duke once remarked that 
it was " jolly." Then I gave Pearl a gentle 
nudge and she made a figure S around two 
rapidly approaching trolley cars. I expected 
a scream, but there was an ominous silence. 
Covertly I turned my head, first to look into 
the expressionless face of Gascan, his eye set 
along the track, then into the pale eyes of 
the great Englishman. He was terror- 
stricken, but to do him justice, I think he 
was not so much frightened by the smartness 
with which Pearl ran across the fender of 
the trolley car, as by Miss Bumpschus, who 
lay gasping in one of his arms. I could not 
help smiling, and in smiling I aroused him 
173 



MRS. RADIGAN 

to action. With the bull-dog perseverance 
that is the characteristic of the Anglo-Saxon, 
he propped Ethel up in her corner. 

" That was a jolly close call," he said, 
speaking, we supposed, of the delightful way 
Pearl handled the car. 

" Another like that and you lose the 
Duke," I whispered. I could see just a bit 
of pink cheek turn pinker, just the full mouth 
curling at the corners, for all the rest was 
hidden from me by fur and goggles. 

We shot between a vegetable truck and an 
elevated post, at top speed, and came to a 
standstill within an inch of the ferry-gate; 
and when on the other side of the river, we 
whirled away again at the legal speed, going 
like the wind. The keen air put the mischief 
in Pearl s veins, and she ran with a reckless 
ness that at times even disturbed my equanim 
ity, though, of course, I did not dare show it, 
for I have noticed that these silent women 
set more store by nerve than by brains. We 
turned corners on one tire; we ran up to 
trolley cars at a forty-mile clip, then circled 
174 



MRS. RADIGAN 

around them with a wild scream of the horn ; 
over crossings we bowled with a succession of 
shocks that were likely to hurl his Grace off 
into the sky, but he clung to the hem of the 
silent Gascan s cow-skin coat. Just once the 
noble Englishman spoke. The mud, gentle 
harbinger of spring, was rising around us in 
clouds, and the engine, called on for double 
exertion, was roaring demoniacally. 
" Jolly ! " he cried. " Je-je-je-olly ! " 
Miss Bumpschus said nothing. I fear that 
the cynical expression of Gascan, the chauf 
feur, had for the time blighted her hope that 
in their mutual peril she and the Duke would 
find a tie to bind them. But such peril had 
to have its end; such a journey could not long 
continue, for in all the world there were not 
enough thousands of miles for speed like that 
to cover. We chipped the paint off the iron 
gate of the Westbury place as Jamaica lay 
hallowed in the gold of the setting sun, and 
the groans of the resting engine brought the 
whole house to the veranda. Gascan handed 
down the frozen Duke and Ethel Bumpschus, 
175 



MRS. RADIGAN 

and in the warm smile of Sally Radigan they 
were thawed out. 

" Of course my little sister brought your 
Highness down quietly," said Mrs. Radigan, 
when she had fixed him before the library 
fire and despatched a man for hot Scotch. 

" It was jolly," replied the great English 
man. " I m used to fast going jolly fast 
going." 

But I think that had the Duke the power 
at that moment he would have fled home to 
his leaky castles, leaving behind wealth and 
loveliness, broken hearts and full purses. 
Pearl had shown a phase of her character 
that made him fear for his ducal rights, and 
as for Miss Bumpschus, his man told my man 
that but these are kitchen secrets. 

Night came, bringing with it Constance 
Wherry, large and good-natured as ever, with 
Williegilt Mint and Radigan. Dinner came, 
bringing the Duke down in a coat that fitted 
over his shoulders as on a wire hanger; bring 
ing Pearl Veal in simple black that set off her 
rounded shoulders to perfection, and Ethel 
176 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Bumpschus in a spangly pink creation, with 
eye-glasses, and a black patch on her chin; 
bringing Constance Wherry with her neck 
squeezed into one of the finest pearl collar 
ettes I have ever seen, though it was not tight 
enough to prevent her talking as volubly as 
ever. Mrs. Radigan was in splendid tune 
with her surroundings. As one of the men 
pushed the Duke into his place at her side, 
I heard her remark: ; We are all so glad 
your Highness has come. You will enjoy it 
here, I am sure. To-night we have bridge. 
To-morrow there are a lot of things to see: 
the Cathedral at Garden City, and the beau 
tiful view of the plains from the hill behind 
the stables. I m sure it s as fine as anything 
you have in Europe. It reminds me of Bar- 
beyzun, the place Mil-let painted, you know." 

His Grace said it would be jolly. 

Then she said that Sir Charles Wigge must 
see it when he came. She would insist on the 
Duke bringing him down for a few days. 
When Sir Charles did come, all would be 
over with me, I thought. There was plenty 
177 



MRS. RADIGAN 

of time to ponder on the situation, for Con 
stance Wherry was giving me in detail the 
plot of a play she had seen the night before, 
and by leaning interestedly toward her I was 
able to get an occasional glance around the 
monstrous jardiniere, and see Pearl, as she 
covered his Grace with smiles. The Duke 
quite warmed up and smiled, too, and made 
several remarks, after he had had some cham 
pagne. There was little consolation for me 
there, except the meagre possibility in Pearl s 
promise to take Sir Charles out in her car 
the roads would be better then, she said, and 
they would be able to go. 

" It would be jolly," Nocastle stammered, 
twirling his glass. 

After dinner we had bridge, but it was 
rather tame at our table, his Grace declining 
to play for more than a ha penny a point, as 
he had to carry Miss Bumpschus, who never 
gambles. It was rather a bore, but I found 
some pleasure in the polite row we had at 
the end, over the question as to whether we 
were playing on the American or English 
178 



MRS. RADIGAN 

coinage basis. His Grace said English, of 
course, as he never could understand our 
American money. It was folly to be wise, 
indeed, as he had won three rubbers; but as 
the amount involved was only $5, I settled 
in English and let it go at that, but Miss 
Wherry stuck to cents, paid, and went to 
bed in a towering rage. She lacks humor. 
Now, when I told Pearl about it she blew 
a smoke ring and said simply, " He s a jolly 
duke." 



179 



CHAPTER XX 

Sir Charles fF igge Takes 
Possession 

MRS. RADIGAN has been overawed at last. 
Sir Charles Wigge has arrived, and the mas 
terful English solicitor is more than a match 
for her, clever though she is. He seldom 
gives her an opportunity to speak, and then 
her voice sounds in a faint tremolo that is 
almost pitiful. If you asked her why Eng 
land was great, she would simply point to the 
Duke of Nocastle s friend and guide, and I 
do not know but that I should agree with 
her. Fortunate, indeed, is the land that pos 
sesses such a man, for, having him, it must be 
the centre of all the virtues. He must be 
the court of last appeal at home, as there is 
nothing that he does not know absolutely, no 
opinion not his that is worth considering. 
180 



MRS. RADIGAN 

We all feel very humble since we have had 
him around for a day or two, and I actually 
have found myself wondering how I ever at 
tained majority under the barbarous condi 
tions in which we live, in the glare of the 
sun, in a dry and wholesome atmosphere, in 
warm houses, with Tittle that is fit to eat, and 
then so far from London. Our beer is bad, 
too, and as for the water, Sir Charles spurns 
it. Men, says he, are like plants, that to fully 
flower should be rained on daily, in proof of 
which he has only to point to his own people. 

I refuse to apologize. Pearl smiles. Mrs. 
Radigan is abject. Realizing that this mod 
ern knight carries the Duke in his waistcoat 
pocket, she fears to offend him and so agrees 
with everything he says. 

" Ah, Sir Wigge," she said to him the 
other afternoon, " it must be a great hardship 
for you to have to give up your beloved Lon 
don for the discomforts of New York." 

" It is not a hardship," Sir Charles replied 
with a courtly grace. You know that as a 
youngster I served in the campaign against 
181 



MRS. RADIGAN 

the Zulus. An Englishman, Mrs. Radigan, 
adapts himself to his circumstances. He is 
as much at home in a Zulu kraal or in Amer 
ica as he is in Piccadilly." 

Now when Sir Charles speaks like this, it 
comes as if from Zeus. He looks like Zeus 
shaved. I suggested this to Mrs. Radigan, 
but she replied that she would not say, until 
she had seen the two together, and I decided 
that it was not worth while for me to explain ; 
I could cherish for myself the conceit that this 
was some barbaric god, dressed up by a Picca 
dilly tailor, and surveying the world through 
a monocle. When I saw him first, I was 
standing in the Radigan library, gazing dis 
consolately over the park, watching the end 
less stream of carriages rolling along the 
drive-way, for the town was out enjoying the 
breath of early spring. I was thinking of 
him, wondering when he would arrive, when 
he would present himself to Pearl Veal to 
claim her hand and her fortune for his noble 
master, the Duke of Nocastle. Then a smart 
brougham bowled up to the curb, and by the 
182 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Frenchmen on the box I recognized a Bump- 
schus carriage, and I was not surprised when 
his Grace climbed out. A great man fol 
lowed, a very large man, with gray hair and 
gray side-whiskers, clad in the conventional 
attire, so he might have been taken for either 
a statesman or an undertaker. The two 
paused a moment while the stranger gazed 
over the Radigan house. Then he turned 
and, looking down at his companion, said 
something. The Duke laughed so heartily 
that he dropped his monocle, and it took 
several moments of beating around the air 
before his hands discovered it, dangling at 
the end of its string. 

" The Duke and Sir Charles Wigge have 
just come in," said I to Mrs. Radigan. 

" At last," said she, laying down her pict 
ure-paper and gliding over to me. " My 
poor boy, I fear this is the end of your ro 
mance. It is splendid of you to stand ready 
to give up Pearl to the Duke, and no doubt 
you will find your reward in the consciousness 
of a duty done. To a certain extent, it is 
183 



MRS. RADIGAN 

hard for my little sister, for I think she is 
fond of you, but while she says nothing, I am 
sure that she believes as I do, that it would 
be wrong, absolutely wrong, for her to refuse 
an offer from so great a man, a man any girl 
would deem it a privilege to marry." 

An appeal to Pearl brought me not even 
a smile. 

" I thought Sir Charles would be here 
soon," she said, " for this despatch in the 
papers from London says that the meeting 
of Nocastle s creditors was postponed on re 
ceipt of a cablegram from him. Perhaps he 
would like to see it, Sally." 

But Sally did not hear. She was already 
hurrying downstairs to greet her distinguished 
callers and to be utterly crushed. Just what 
Sir Charles said to her I do not know, but 
how he said it I can easily realize, for she 
brought the pair up to the library to have " a 
real comfy time," as she put it, leaving word 
downstairs that if anyone except Miss Bump- 
schus called she was not at home. 

" And what do you think of America, Sir 
184 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Wigge?" said Mrs. Radigan, when she had 
him comfortably fixed with a glass of whiskey 
and a cigar. 

" I had only to drive up Broadway, as you 
call your Strand, to realize why we did not 
care to keep New York," Sir Charles replied 
with a grand smile. 

" But did you not admire the sky 
scrapers?" said I boldly. 

" In England," replied our visitor, " we 
have buildings every bit as long, longer, in 
deed, much longer, but we lay them along 
the ground, as they should be laid." 

" But, your Lordship," put in Mrs. Radi 
gan with some spirit, " we have not the room, 
and must build up." 

You should find the room," said Sir 
Charles with royal good-nature. " We find 
it in England, Mrs. Bannigan, and I am told 
that America is somewhat larger even than 
England." 

"Did Fifth Avenue not impress you?" 
inquired Pearl rather sweetly. 

" Your Piccadilly it is your Piccadilly, I 
185 



MRS. RADIGAN 

believe should be toned down," replied the 
Englishman graciously. It is too loud. 
The glare of the sun is blinding and over 
heating, Miss Vial." 

He spoke to my fiancee as though she were 
a bottle or an adjective, and I could not for 
bear to interpose mildly, " Miss Ve-al, Sir 
Charles." 

" In England," returned Sir Charles, " it 
would be Vial or possibly Willy. I am told 
that in America you have an absurd custom 
of pronouncing words the way they are 
spelled. Is it not so, Miss Weal? " 

" Yes," Pearl replied, " but- 

" On the contrary," said Sir Charles, " it 
is easier, much easier, to spell words the 
way they are not pronounced. The minute 
you begin to pronounce as you spell, it be 
comes impossible to spell correctly at all. Is 
it not so, your Grace? " 

The Duke said that it was so. Moreover, 

he added admiringly that whatever Sir 

Charles said was so. Mrs. Radigan, with 

some of her native fire still smouldering, vent- 

186 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ured to remark that she spelled entirely by 
sound and then had her secretary make the 
corrections, which amused her visitor im 
mensely. When he had recovered his equa 
nimity and polished his glass, he proceeded 
to demonstrate how absurd was her view. 

" In England, Mrs. Lanigan, we have for 
centuries pronounced words the way they are 
not spelled. Don t you suppose that if we 
had not found it the best thing to do we 
should have changed? " 

" But, my Lord " began Mrs. Radigan. 

" The question is not one which allows any 
argument at all, Mrs. Stranahan," said the 
solicitor. " We threshed it all over in Eng 
land, long ago, and decided it." 

Then it was that Mrs. Radigan began to 
sympathize with him about the hardships of 
his visit, and learned how the Zulu campaign 
had hardened him for it. Then it was that 
Mrs. Radigan broached her plan for another 
week-end at Westbury and secured his con 
sent to come, though she had discreetly prom 
ised not to show him anything, feeling, per- 
187 



MRS. RADIGAN 

haps, that there was nothing for such a man 
to see. Then it was that Sir Charles gra 
ciously admitted that there was one thing in 
this country to see, and announced his inten 
tion of honoring it with a look. 

; While my visit to America is purely con 
nected with matters of business," he said, " I 
am going to make use of an opportunity to 
view Niagara. I think I shall run out and 
back to-morrow. Possibly I shall take an 
extra day and have a look at the Yellowstone 
Park, which I am told in its way quite equals 
anything we have in England." 

Now, it happened that Sir Charles Wigge 
was unable to work in that extra day to visit 
the Yellowstone, as he was longer than he had 
expected on his visit to Niagara, so Friday 
evening found us gathered again around the 
board at Westbury, except Ethel Bumpschus, 
whose absence I regarded as an ill-omen, one 
that presaged a defeat for her and thus for 
me. His Grace was still a guest at the Bump 
schus house, but of late he had been spending 
all his afternoons and evenings with the Radi- 
188 



MRS. RADIGAN 

gans, not even the attentions of Prince Cos- 
mospopolis of Greece to his host s daughter 
serving to arouse him to action in that quar 
ter. Ethel was asked, I know, but she sent 
a polite but stiff note of regret, whereupon 
Mrs. Radigan telephoned for Marian Speech 
less, who came in a rush and made a vigorous 
attack on the Duke, talking him almost to 
death. Perhaps Marian had dreams, but 
they could never be more than dreams, as 
she has nothing but ancestry and charm. I 
thought, perhaps, she would be able to do 
something with Sir Charles Wigge, she is such 
a voluble person, so I carefully arranged a 
meeting after dinner, when Mrs. Radigan 
had his Grace at her side and was drawing 
out his ideas on the ginger-beer evil, the 
only subject on which he talks complete 
sentences. 

" I am so glad to have an opportunity to 
meet you," Marian gasped, while Sir Charles 
polished his monocle. " There are so many 
things about which I want to ask you." 

" And I, for my part, shall be delighted to 
189 



MRS. RADIGAN 

answer any questions you care to put," re 
turned Sir Charles gallantly, " but Miss 
Peaches " 

" Miss Speechless," I corrected gently. 

" Impossible," said he. " It must have 
been Peaches originally in England then 
why did your family change the pronuncia 
tion? Now " 

" But " began Marian indignantly. 

" On the contrary," said Sir Charles, " you 
Americans " 

Ignobly I left the girl to bear the brunt of 
it, for I had glanced about the drawing-room 
and saw that Pearl had gone. So I vanished, 
too, coming to life in the deserted smoking- 
room, where she had settled herself beside the 
fire and was contentedly blowing rings. 

" It will be the last time," said I, taking 
a cigarette from her case and her proffered 
light. " To-morrow, I think, I shall go the 
way of Plumstone Smith and those Kansas 
City men you knew before you became smart." 

" Fellows," corrected Pearl. 

" To-morrow," I went on unheeding, " Sir 
190 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Charles Wigge will offer you the hand of the 
great Duke of Nocastle." 

" I should not be surprised," said Pearl, 
blowing a big ring and sending a second 
hurtling through it. 

" Mrs. Radigan has told me that it is set 
tled beyond question," said I, " for she has 
intimated plainly to Sir Charles that she and 
John will make up a purse for you. They 
won t be outbid by the Bumpschuses." 

" Then it is settled," said Pearl, " for who 
could refuse a duke? Think of being a 
duchess, of taking precedence over a dozen 
other American girls who have bought lords, 
of being able to snub that Bumpschus girl 
who married Nothingham, and Ethel Bump 
schus, who won t marry Nocastle. Think of 
the columns in the papers, of the wedding- 
riot, and all that." 

Seldom had I heard Pearl say so much, 
never with such a burst of spirit, for generally 
she is in quiet mood. All was over now, it 
seemed to me. With the Duke the end had 
come and it was useless to fight against it. 
191 



MRS. RADIGAN 

" It is dazzling," said I meekly, " and I do 
not blame you." 

" Still," said she meditatively, after a mo 
ment s silence, " there is one thing greater 
than to marry a duke." 

"And that? "said I. 

" That," said she, " is to " 

Sir Charles loomed up before us, with Sally 
Radigan at his side. 

" It will take just a moment to settle it," 
I heard him say to his hostess. 

" Sir Wigge wishes to speak to you, Pearl," 
said Mrs. Radigan softly to her sister. And 
to me: " Come and make a four at bridge. 
Marian has gone to bed with a violent head 
ache." 

" My dear Miss Vial," I heard Sir Charles 
say. 

Pearl blew one last smoke ring, tossed away 
her cigarette, and turned those lustrous eyes 
on him. I saw the inscrutable smile. 

" Do you wonder his Highness is crazy 
about her? " said Mrs. Radigan, as she led 
me away. 

192 



CHAPTER XXI 

Pearl Veal s Answer to the 
Duke of Nocastle 

THE engagement of Miss Bumpschus to 
the Duke of Nocastle was announced in this 
morning s papers almost to the exclusion of 
all other news. There were pictures of 
Ethel looking like an Oriental beauty, of 
the little Duke, magnificent in the uniform 
of the Guards, of the Bumpschus house in 
town and the Newport villa; of Leeking 
Castle, the ancestral seat of the Fitznits 
indeed, of everything in the lives of the high 
contracting parties that could be photo 
graphed. The equanimity with which Mrs. 
Radigan received the news was most surpris 
ing. I had expected to find her completely 
unstrung when I called this afternoon, but 
instead she was in the library, just back from 
a drive, and making tea. 

193 



MRS. RADIGAN 

"Isn t it absurd?" she said laughingly, 
pointing to the paper behind which Pearl 
Veal was ensconced in a deep chair, reading 
of the glories of the Duke and the house 
of Bumpschus. They are making the 
best of it, I hear; have a press agent and 
all that; so for weeks we shall read of noth 
ing else. It is disgusting to see people court 
ing notoriety that way." 

I thought of her own plans of last week 
and involuntarily raised my eyebrows in as 
tonishment. She noticed it, but went calmly 
on: 

" Ethel actually looks beautiful in some 
of those pictures I wonder how they were 
made ? and as for the Duke, you might sup 
pose he was a real dashing sort of a fellow. 
Won t they look well coming down the aisle 
together ! Why, in order to take his arm 
she will have to walk like a camel." 

Pearl s paper rattled to the floor, revealing 
her smiling softly, those fine eyes of hers 
intent upon her sister. 

Mrs. Radigan understood. " Of course, 
194 



MRS. RADIGAN 

my dear," she said grimly, " if you had taken 
him we should have avoided such an absurd 
picture somehow." She paused a moment, 
trying to think how. The inspiration came 
to me first. 

" Sir Charles Wigge," said I, " as long 
as he did the proposing, he might well lead 
the bride down the aisle the Duke could 
toddle after him." 

Mrs. Radigan shuddered. She always 
shudders when Sir Charles is mentioned; but 
on my part I feel that I owe him a heavy 
debt, for by the time we had had him with 
us two days at Westbury, the suppression of 
the solicitor became more the ambition of 
Mrs. Radigan than the capture of his noble 
client. Pearl says frankly that she never in 
the world could have refused the Duke of 
her own accord, as a girl can t marry a noble 
man every day, and real-estate agents are a 
drug in the market. But when Sir Charles 
came, when he took possession of the house 
and of the opinions of all its occupants, when 
he had utterly crushed us and made us feel 
195 



MRS. RADIGAN 

our ignorance and humbleness, her future be 
came a second thought, and the desire to turn 
possessed her. Pearl smiles softly as she 
says this. It is her inscrutable smile, and 
may hide something; but I care little, for she 
did turn. 

That night when Mrs. Radigan brought 
Sir Charles into the smoking-room, when she 
tucked me under her arm and dragged me 
away, when I looked back and saw Pearl toss 
her cigarette into the fire and fix her lustrous 
eyes on the English solicitor, I thought all was 
over. Sir Charles had said that it would 
only take a minute to settle the whole thing; 
but he did not know Pearl Veal. She list 
ened to him silently, and the proposal in be 
half of the Duke of Nocastle must have been 
well worth hearing. Sir Charles repeated all 
his Grace s titles, told her the history of the 
ducal house of Fitznit and its glories, of its 
manors, halls, and bowers; of its present head 
and his virtues, his service in the commissary 
department in South Africa, and his speech 
in the House of Lords on the ginger-beer 
196 



MRS. RADIGAN 

evil. Lastly, in a softer voice, Sir Charles 
spoke to Pearl of his Grace s love. He 
talked very nicely, too, she says, and quite 
affected her, quite overwhelmed her with the 
sense of her lowliness and the high honor 
his Grace had conferred in stooping to offer 
her his hand, when he had the proudest 
women in England at his feet. 

" And now," said the lawyer rising, " I 
may tell his Grace that you will be proud to 
accept his offer." 

Pearl rose, too, stepped to the table and 
picked up a bit of paper and a pencil. 

"How much does he owe?" she said, 
chewing the rubber while she eyed the great 
man. 

" But, my dear Miss Vial, he is a duke," 
protested Sir Charles. " And that little mat 
ter has been arranged by Mrs. Batigan." 

" But I might like to spend my money 
in other ways," said Pearl. 

So Sir Charles indignantly got out a note 
book and gave her the figures. It was a pal 
try sum compared to our Wall Street fail- 
197 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ures, and he assured her that the creditors 
would take two shillings in the pound and 
be thankful for it. They seldom got more 
from dukes. 

Pearl lighted a cigarette, and as she leaned 
easily against the table she watched a spire 
of smoke go curling away into the dark re 
cesses of the ceiling. 

"Well, Miss Vial?" said Sir Charles 
testily. 

" I ll let you know Monday," came the 
quiet answer, with the quiet smile. 

" But pon my word! " protested the great 
Englishman. 

Pearl curled up in her chair again and 
began blowing smoke rings. 

" He is an English duke," said Sir Charles 
angrily. 

Pearl seemed intensely occupied watching 
the gray halo that was floating above her 
head. 

" Do you realize what it means to marry 
a peer of England? " came again in a louder 
tone. 

198 



MRS. RADIGAN 

The corners of the girl s mouth turned 
up, just a trifle. 

" Do you consider whom you are keeping 
waiting? " demanded the lawyer solemnly. 

Pearl smiled. 

That inscrutable smile proved a match for 
Sir Charles, and he gave up his attack, but 
I think he was convinced that the delay was 
only for the moment, and that Monday 
would witness the ratification of his plans. 
So for two days he was gloriously good- 
natured and overbearing, and by Monday 
none of us dared to raise a voice in his pres 
ence. Even Marian Speechless became as 
silent as the tomb. Mrs. Radigan was de 
pressed. I have never seen her so utterly 
dispirited. " Oh, if we could only blow him 
up or something," she whispered to me after 
dinner on Sunday evening, when we had had 
an hour s discourse by Sir Charles on the un 
healthy American climate and the advantages 
of constant drizzles. 

" To-morrow," said I, " it will be over." 

" Yes," said she, " thank Heaven, to- 
199 



MRS. RADIGAN 

morrow it will be over, and we shall have the 
dear Duke to ourselves." 

And on the morrow it was over. All 
Mrs. Radigan s dreams were shattered. All 
my own fears were swept away. True to 
her promise, Pearl Veal gave Sir Charles her 
answer. 

" Of course," said the great English solic 
itor, " I shall tell his Grace that Miss Vial 
loves him and accepts his generous offer." 

" No," said Pearl, closing one eye and 
scrutinizing the figures on the paper in her 
hand. " Tell him that I like him, Sir 
Charles; tell him I am deeply grateful, but 
I cannot afford him." 

Sir Charles took down his monocle and 
polished it. Then he eyed her through it 
very hard. 

" Do you realize, Miss Weal, that you 
are refusing a peer of England?" he said 
sternly. 

" But I want to get a new automobile," 
Pearl answered quietly. 

The monocle flew fiercely to the very end 
200 



MRS. RADIGAN 

of its guard-string. It was a minute before 
the astonished Englishman found it again, 
for his hands were trembling violently as 
they beat the air in search of it. Finding 
the glass, he sat down and polished it very 
hard. Then, returning it to his eye, he in 
spected Pearl Veal from head to foot, being 
evidently convinced that he had to do with 
an insane person. 

" Miss Willy," he said hoarsely, " am I 
to understand that you spurn the offer of my 
noble client, the Duke of Nocastle? " 

" I simply can t afford him," Pearl an 
swered. " Tell him I like him very much," 
was added sweetly. 

Sir Charles arose and paced up and down 
the room, looking as though he might begin 
to roar at any moment. 

" Beyond comprehension utterly beyond 
it incredible," he said. " It is the first time 
it has ever been done." 

" And I feel so sorry for the Duke," put 
in Pearl sweetly. " He will have to marry 
Ethel Bumpschus." 

201 



MRS. RADIGAN 

This was the spark that set fire to the 
already overheated brain of Sir Charles 
Wigge. He hurried from the room and 
called for time-tables; he called for the Duke 
and his boxes, his man, and a trap to get 
them to the station; he forgot to say good-by 
to his hostess, and when at last we saw him 
drive away, Mrs. Radigan sank into a chair 
and cried feelingly: "Well, anyway, we sat 
on him ! " 

They must have gone straight to the 
Bumpschus house and closed the deal, for 
we followed them to town from Westbury, 
and yesterday morning we knew about the 
engagement. In the evening they gave it to 
the press with the pictures. That is why 
Mrs. Radigan shuddered this afternoon when 
I mentioned Sir Charles Wigge. She stirred 
her tea meditatively for a very long time. 
Then she exclaimed: "Well, I m glad we 
did sit on them ! " 

She talked as though she had refused the 
Duke, instead of cringing for days at his 
solicitor s feet, but I deemed it wise to let 
202 



MRS. RADIGAN 

well enough alone, for I had not expected 
to find her in so amiable a mood after all 
her plans had been turned so topsy-turvy. 

You certainly did," said I, giving Pearl 
a sidelong glance, which was returned with 
interest. 

" The idea of their wanting us to settle 
all the Duke s debts before the wedding 
even ! " cried Mrs. Radigan with sudden in 
dignation. " Then we should have had to 
give the Duke five million more, and Pearl 
was to fix the castle roofs and keep what 
was left." 

" Naturally, I could not afford it," said 
Pearl smiling. 

" Naturally," said Mrs. Radigan firmly. 
" But, my dear, we did not want to inter 
fere with your happiness. We simply stood 
ready to buy the Duke if you cared to have 
him." 

" A duke is a duke," said Pearl, " but they 
come very high." 

" And when I think of Ethel Bumpschus," 
said Mrs. Radigan, holding the paper at 
203 



MRS. RADIGAN 

arm s length and staring at the photograph 
of the Oriental beauty, " when I think of 
her, with her spectacles and her charities, her 
aged ticket-choppers and her taffy-colored 
hair, I must say I feel that his Highness got 
the worst of the bargain." 

We dine at the Bumpschus house to 
morrow evening. It will be an informal 
affair, of course, on account of Lent, and I 
am looking forward with pleasure to seeing 
Mrs. Radigan congratulating Ethel and wish 
ing the Duke happiness. 



204 



CHAPTER XXII 

Tumbleton Tumm^ the Minstrel 

ETHEL BUMPSCHUS is rushing prepara 
tions for her wedding to the Duke of No- 
castle, and vastly amusing we find it. The 
upper floors of the Bumpschus house, Pearl 
Veal tells me, look as though some large busi 
ness enterprise were being carried on, as there 
is a constant coming and going of milliners, 
dress-makers, and tailors, hurrying the cos 
tumes for the great show; and above it all 
sounds the ceaseless click of Tumbleton 
Tumm s type-writer. Poor Tumm ! He 
regularly writes scandal for Town Twaddle 
and has a hard time to keep that fact a 
secret, retain his membership in one club, 
look respectable and make both ends meet; 
so that when Mrs. Bumpschus called him in 
to help them it was a great boon. They 
should give him a fat retainer for his press- 
205 



MRS. RADIGAN 

agent work, for I must say he is doing it 
well, as the papers daily chronicle every act 
of the Duke and his fiancee. He realizes 
how eagerly the public devours this kind of 
reading-matter, and his type-writer goes all 
day as he prepares the feast. Interest has 
been aroused to a high pitch. Were it not 
for Tumm s pride, he would do well on 
the Rialto, for in some of his work he has 
evinced signs of positive genius. I remem 
ber when Ethel s cousin married Nothingham 
a furor was created by the illustrated-page 
articles describing her entire trousseau. We 
have progressed wonderfully since then, for 
Tumm is making that a serial story and got 
five columns on hosiery alone in every Sun 
day paper in town. This is but one of many 
masterly strokes. 

I must say that to me there is something 
pathetic in the picture of this bearer of a fine 
old New York name, reduced to a task that 
cannot but be distasteful to him, for though 
he may have a saving gleam of humor, he 
cannot but feel that in every way he is the 
206 



MRS. RADIGAN 

better of his employers. But it is his father s 
fault. Hegerton Tumm was one of those 
gentlemen of the old school, a Patriarch 
with a house in Washington Square and all 
that. He never worked. He looked down 
on Grandfather Bumpschus, who was busy 
wrecking railroads and piling up other peo 
ple s money. He died and left his children 
to social charity. I remember before I took 
to golf and tennis, that somewhere in the 
church service there was a reference to dust 
returning to dust. How keen those old Bible 
fellows were ! It seems as though they must 
have foreseen the first Tumm crawling on 
his knees among the cabbages of his patch in 
Union Square ; must have foreseen real estate 
rise and carry with it to power half a hundred 
Tumms; and, last, poor Tumbleton on his 
knees again, a mere retainer in the railroad 
house of Bumpschus. 

Pearl said to-day that Tumm was the 

Bumpschus jester. I protested, but it was 

just one of those little cuts which make a 

woman all the more lovely to those for whom 

207 



MRS. RADIGAN 

she has only balm. I think of him, I told 
her, as the minstrel of the house, at his type 
writer all day long, singing of its glories, of 
the riches of the master and the beauty of 
the daughter, of the greatness of her lover 
and of their love for under a hundred flar 
ing black heads the world has been told that 
this is a love-match. A safety match, said 
Pearl, blowing a smoke ring solemnly she 
was evidently thinking of his Grace s debts. 
Singing, I went on, for I always ignore these 
little jibes of hers, singing and carolling of 
the vastness of the trousseau and the value 
of the presents, of the smartness of the 
bridesmaids and the colors of their dresses; 
singing of the ushers, of their waistcoats, 
their spats, their gloves, and boutonnieres; of 
the music at the wedding, of the breakfast 
later, with its menu and its wines. Fortu 
nate the world that every word that Tumm, 
the minstrel, sings is caught upon the mani 
fold, seized by the educating press, illumi 
nated with pen-sketch and photograph, and 
sent forth to be read by the millions in the 
208 



MRS. RADIGAN 

outer darkness! Fortunate, indeed, said 
Pearl, for she always agrees with me in the 
end. 

Sometimes I suspect that because she can 
always agree with me, she declined the prof 
fered heart and hand of his Grace, and now 
is perfectly contented with the humbler role 
of maid of honor at the great wedding of 
the season. I must confess that I was sur 
prised that Ethel Bumpschus asked Pearl to 
accompany her to the altar, but then the rea 
son was very evident when I saw the list of 
the wedding-party. Ethel is going in for 
beauty. No expense is being spared on flow 
ers and music, and she must have been con 
scious of the discord created in the first bars 
of many a grand sweet song by a procession 
of exquisitely gowned ancients moving slowly 
down the aisle at the heels of a lovely bride. 
Now Ethel is not beautiful, but she will have 
the advantage of a veil. 

Who first blessed womankind with that 
artful covering? This question I put to 
Pearl, and, of course, she did not know, but 
209 



MRS. RADIGAN 

when I said that she must wear a picture-hat 
at her own wedding, she smiled. She thought 
this some subtle flattery, though I spoke in 
all sincerity, having seen her that very day 
gowned as she will be when she follows the 
Duchess of Nocastle down the aisle. Ethel 
Bumpschus is wise. She is putting her close 
friends in good seats with the family while 
she will lead up the aisle five of the fairest 
of the town. Angelica Clime and Gladys 
Tumbleton, Clarissa Mudison and Emily 
Lumpley, Hebes every one, with Pearl Veal 
still more glorious, will turn all eyes from 
the tiny Duke and his towering bride. I 
should like to stand in a pew and watch them 
myself as they move down the flowery path 
way, for I am still simple enough to find 
more charm in a lovely face than in a lovely 
voice or a pedigree. But I shall have to fol 
low them, to be of the unfortunate four who 
risk everything to gain nothing, who win un 
dying hatred by putting aunts with the old 
family servants, husbands next former wives, 
and mere business friends where the cousins 
210 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ought to be; that bring on themselves the 
ridicule of the society-writers who hover on 
the outskirts of the charmed circle and scoff 
at us because we wear pink waistcoats and 
white spats. 

No, I do not suppose that I shall wear 
a pink waistcoat and white spats at my own 
wedding. Heaven knows I would rather 
choose tennis flannels, but I must follow or 
ders for the Bumpschus nuptials, and we will 
do things for a duke that we would do for 
no other man, particularly when we contem 
plate spending a season in London. I do 
not think his Grace has any ideas even on 
clothes, but attribute the pink waistcoats to 
Ethel, and the white spats to her brother 
Williegilt. She wants pink waistcoats to 
harmonize with the bridesmaids gowns, and 
Williegilt s hobby is spats. You can see him 
any day on the avenue displaying his feet in 
a new shade. Pearl says that it distracts at 
tention from his head, but I protest against 
such an uncharitable view, for I must say 
he has been extremely square to me. The 
211 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Duke, of course, cabled for his brother, Cap 
tain Lord Algernon Fitznit, to sail for this 
side at once, as he is to be best man, which 
seems to be almost like taking part in his own 
funeral, he being the heir to the dukedom. 
As the Captain cannot get here until the day 
before the wedding, Williegilt is arranging 
for the ushers, and while Ethel is going in 
for beauty, he is choosing for size, to make 
some sort of a showing against the soldier, 
who is six feet four. I think Williegilt with 
Stuyve Mint, Tommy Clime and myself will 
average around six feet two, and, as I told 
Pearl, when we get fixed up in our uniform 
we should make a rather imposing showing, 
so I find myself looking forward to the occa 
sion with considerable interest. It will be a 
real adventure, no doubt, and I am training 
for it have even taken to spats, which I ab 
hor, and have accustomed myself to walking 
without looking at my feet, though I am a 
little afraid white will rather discompose me. 
Pearl declines to be excited at all, but she 
is an unusually quiet soul, and says she is 
212 



MRS. RADIGAN 

not going to rush herself into a decline sim 
ply because Ethel Bumpschus, a mere ac 
quaintance, is to marry a nobleman that she 
could have had herself if she would have 
spent the money. She will go to the church 
and walk down the aisle and back, looking 
as well as she can, fight her way through the 
mob outside, drive to the house, sip the 
health of the happy pair, and go home to 
oblivion. Of course I am the oblivion. She 
must have some lingering regret for the 
Duke, and I cannot blame her for it. She 
says frankly that she would give anything to 
be the Dowager Duchess of Nocastle, but 
that title is not purchasable, so she is per 
fectly satisfied with her real-estate agent. 
Pearl has a way of saying things like that 
when we are walking on Madison Avenue, 
but even there a few people are always about, 
which makes it rather aggravating. And we 
walk on Madison Avenue a great deal now, 
and she seems to delight in such maddening 
remarks, but when we are home in the quiet 
of the library, when Mrs. Radigan has made 
213 



MRS. RADIGAN 

the tea and become absorbed in picture- 
papers, when she is in her deep chair and I 
in mine, close by, I try again to draw them 
from her, but she just smiles blows a ring 
of smoke, and smiles inscrutably as she 
watches it float away. 



214 



CHAPTER XXIII 

The W^edding of the Season 

MRS. RADIGAN pulled off her gloves, 
tossed her hat on the drawing-room table, 
threw her coat at her maid, and sank into a 
deep chair. 

" Well, thank Heaven, it is all over," she 
said, " that we got through it alive, and now 
we shall see something in the papers besides 
the Bumpschuses and the Nocastles and all 
those tiresome people." 

She called for tea, and when it came Pearl 
Veal would have made it for her but her 
sister waved her away firmly. 

" You must rest, my dear," she said. 
" Quiet your nerves with a smoke and offer 
up silent thanksgiving that you are living at 
this minute." 

She seemed to think that Pearl should be 

2I 5 



MRS. RADIGAN 

on the verge of collapse, which amused me 
greatly, for when I passed a cigarette to my 
fiancee I saw that her hand was as steady as 
a church with the match. Then she smiled at 
me and gave her head a slight inclination 
toward Sally. 

" No one was hurt," she said. " The 
police arrangements were excellent, only it 
took so many men to get Ethel and the 
Duke safely into the carriage, that we were 
left unguarded for a moment." 

" It s a wonder you were not killed," said 
Mrs. Radigan. 

Pearl laughed. I never knew a girl so 
brave as she. Had she just come from a 
Lenten service instead of the wedding of the 
season she could not have been more un 
ruffled. But Mrs. Radigan was bent on mak 
ing the most of the adventure, as she does 
of all adventures, exaggerating, finding pleas 
ure in dances, and getting excitement out of 
dinners. Her teacup was arrested in mid 
air, and over its top she eyed her sister 
solicitously. 

216 



MRS. RADIGAN 

" Do not tell me you weren t dreadfully 
frightened ! " she cried. 

Pearl blew a smoke ring. 

" No," she said, " I was not afraid. I was 
mad downright mad. Just as we came out 
of the church the awning burst in. For the 
moment I was dazed, for through the rent in 
the canvas I could see a multitude of faces, 
a sea of people that stretched away from the 
church for blocks, in every direction, and beat 
against it with irresistible force. As the 
mounted police tried to get the Duke and 
Duchess out, they drove the crowd back and 
something had to give. Naturally, it was the 
awning. Angelica Clime screamed and seized 
me by the arm, so that I had but one hand 
for defence, the one in which I was carrying 
my roses. A large fat woman with blond 
hair came first. I really don t think she meant 
to be rude but was just pushed through the 
hole, and, being through, wanted to know 
what our dresses were made of, so gave a grab 
for my gown to feel the material, and with 
out thinking, I brought my roses down over 
217 



MRS. RADIGAN 

her head quite unintentionally and her 
bonnet was knocked askew. She jumped 
back and fell, and those behind her, unable to 
stop themselves, piled over her." 

" It must have been dreadful ! " said 
Mrs. Radigan. " We could hear the shouts 
inside the church and thought you had all 
been massacred." 

" And so the churchful of people came 
hurrying out, pinning us between two mobs," 
said Pearl. It looked for a moment as 
though we should be crushed, torn in pieces 
and carried off in bits as souvenirs; but, fort 
unately, Williegilt Bumpschus knew what he 
was about when he chose giants for ushers, 
for when they saw our peril, they charged 
down the awning, swept the crowd out 
through the hole, and were able to keep them 
at bay till the police had got the Duke s car 
riage free, and came to our aid." 

Was anyone hurt? " I asked, for, though 

I had been in the thick of the adventure, 

my attention had been held by the delicate 

task of protecting the imperilled bridesmaids 

218 



MRS. RADIGAN 

without being rude to any of the attacking 
party. 

" We got off very well," Pearl laughed. 
" I saw a red-haired woman go away waving 
my roses, and Gladys Tumbleton was almost 
dragged into the mob at the end of a long 
strip of trimming that someone had secured 
as a prize, but, fortunately, Stuyve Mint had 
presence of mind enough to cut her free. It 
really was not half as bad as some other wed 
dings, but I suppose the papers will call it 
a riot they always exaggerate things so 
yet, as a matter of fact, it was all over in a 
minute; the police got the crowd under con 
trol, and we were able to get away." 

" But the Duke the poor, dear little 
Duke!" cried Mrs. Radigan. "He must 
have been terribly frightened." 

" On the contrary," said I, " he told me 
emphatically that it was jolly." 

" As he says about everything," said Mrs. 
Radigan. " But I noticed him particularly 
at the house. He looked terribly decom 
posed." 

219 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Pearl Veal turned her head slowly and 
gazed at her sister, then glanced at me out 
of the corner of one of those glorious eyes 
of hers. Her mouth twitched and from those 
pouted lips a thin spire of smoke arose heav 
enward. The cigarette was poised in mid 
air; she flicked the ashes from it with that 
fine little finger of hers and was about to take 
another puff when, by a sudden impulse, she 
tossed it away and, arising, came to my chair 
and seated herself on the arm in an attitude 
so half-caressing, so unusual for her, that 
Sally Radigan put down her cup and stared at 
her in amazement. For myself, I was as 
tounded, but I yielded not an inch. And they 
say in our set that Pearl Veal is cold; that she 
is vapid, and has neither heart nor brains; 
that she is beautiful in her way, but knows it 
and poses; that she smiles on the men and 
then mulcts them at bridge ; that I am marry 
ing her for money, and why she is marrying 
me is a mystery ! It is a mystery this last 
and to none more than to me. I find it hard 
to convince myself that it is not all a dream, 
220 



MRS. RADIGAN 

and when she sat on the arm of my chair, 
when I felt her hand on my shoulder, and 
saw her stick out her little foot beside mine, 
inspecting them as though to see which was 
the larger when all this happened at once, 
this perfect avalanche of good things, I 
gasped and stared up at her, as astounded as 
Sally Radigan. 

" The Duke was decomposed greatly de 
composed," said Mrs. Radigan, when she had 
regained her own composure. 

" He is always that way," said Pearl, " and 
yet you wanted me to marry him." 

I saw it then. We were facing the master 
ful Mrs. Radigan together, defying her. 

" I told you a hundred times," said she, 
waving the tea aside and settling herself 
back in her chair to tell it all again, " that I 
simply thought it would be best for you, 
because " 

" Because I would be happier," said Pearl 
laughing. 

" No," said Mrs. Radigan. " But it is 
much more interesting to be an unhappy 
221 



MRS. RADIGAN 

duchess than a happy common person. Think 
of the children alone. It must be lovely to 
have your picture taken holding Lord Alger 
non Percy Montmorency Fitznit and all that 
in one hand, and Lady Angeline Mary Maria 
Fitznit in the other sounds much better than 
when Mrs. John Jones is seen with just Jim 
and Kate. A duke is a duke, Pearl, and even 
if he is a jibbering idiot, he takes precedence 
over a mere genius all over the world, even 
in our common democratic America. Now, if 
you had married Lord Nocastle 

Poor Pearl! She had already talked a 
great deal for her and was not disposed to 
argue with her worldly wise sister, which net 
tled Mrs. Radigan, who likes to be contra 
dicted if it will give her the opportunity to 
drive home another point. As she went on 
and met only a smiling acquiescence to every 
thing she said, or now and then a monosyl 
labic remark, or a puff of smoke, she became 
disconcerted and at last angry, as angry as 
she can become, for at heart she is a good 
soul. 

222 



MRS. RADIGAN 

" Well? " she demanded at last. 

" Well? " said Pearl, blowing a ring. 

" Don t you think I am right? " 

" Certainly," replied Pearl, shifting over 
on the arm of my chair till she leaned quite 
heavily on me, quite delightfully so, but I 
manfully refused to budge an inch. 

At that Mrs. Radigan arose. 

" You are terribly exasperating," she said, 
flaunting toward the door. 

But she paused there and stood framed in 
the heavy portieres gazing at us. And we 
gazed back defiantly. 

" You must admit that it was a lovely wed 
ding, except for the bride and groom," she 
said a little more softly. 

" Certainly," Pearl answered smiling. " It 
cost them thousands." 

" But we could have done it much better, 
Pearl," Mrs. Radigan went on, now in quite 
a gentle tone. " I hated so to see you only 
maid of honor at the wedding of so great a 
man as the Duke of Nocastle. It seemed to 
me as though Ethel Bumpschus were taking 
223 



MRS. RADIGAN 

you up the aisle at her chariot-wheels. And 
you looked so lovely." 

" Certainly," said Pearl. " How could I 
help it?" 

Thereupon I grew bold and said something 
that Mrs. Radigan did not hear. Pearl 
laughed and Mrs. Radigan did not under 
stand. 

" It was funny," she said. " I really al 
most laughed myself. And all the rest was 
so lovely that it did seem a pity that Ethel 
Bumpschus and that little Duke had to come 
in and spoil it. Did you notice them at the 
chancel? Everything was perfect; the Bishop 
of New York and the Bishop of Long Island 
and the other clergymen did look so smart 
in their vestments, and that Captain Lord 
Algernon is a magnificent man, like all heirs 
presumptious, and the bridesmaids were ex 
quisite, Pearl, exquisite; and I have never 
seen such ushers, except those white spats did 
make their feet more attractive than their 
faces; but, pon my word, when I saw the 
Duke kneeling beside Ethel and just reaching 
224 



MRS. RADIGAN 

her shoulders, I thought I should collapse. 
Do you suppose he said anything during the 
ceremony? " 

"I think," said Pearl, "I think, but I 
wouldn t swear to it, of course, that when the 
Bishop asked if he took Ethel he said it would 
be jolly." 

" Poor little fellow," said Mrs. Radigan. 
" He looked so good and kind and harmless 
when he came down the aisle on Ethel s arm 
that I really pitied him. Afterward at the 
breakfast I told Sir Charles Wigge how much 
sympathy I felt for his Grace, and he polished 
up his monocle and inspected me. Mrs. 
Jornigan, he said I think that is what he 
called me the Duchess of Nocastle is one 
of the loveliest women I have ever known. 
You must remember, when you speak of her, 
that she is an English peeress. But still, 
Pearl, I could not help thinking how much 
better it would have looked if the Duke had 
died and Captain Lord Fitznit had succeeded 
him and you had taken him, and he had put 
on his Guards uniform, and you had the 
225 



MRS. RADIGAN 

same bridesmaids and ushers, and the two 
of you " 

Pearl Veal has been simply astounding 
me of late. Suddenly she leaned over, and 
for an instant I thought her cigarette was 
going to burn my nose, but she remem 
bered it. 

"Well, Pearl, you are an idiot!" cried 
Mrs. Radigan. But as she closed the por 
tieres and disappeared, we did not heed her 
taunts. 

Now I do not agree with Sally Radigan 
that the Duke and his bride spoiled the wed 
ding. She exaggerates. Ethel was partly 
protected by her veil and really was quite 
presentable. Of course the Duke s head 
could only reach her shoulder, but as he kept 
on his toes and she stooped, they did not 
really appear so badly. And everything else 
was perfect. I have never seen a more ex 
pensive nor a smarter affair. St. Edward s 
was simply lined with flowers. The music 
was perfect, Roardika, Furioso, and the 
Skimphony Orchestra making it really the 
226 



MRS. RADIGAN 

concert of the year. The pink waistcoats and 
white spats were a great success, and every 
body said that Williegilt Bumpschus had an 
eye for beauty when he arranged the ushers. 
We made very few mistakes too. Tommy 
Clime did fix Archibald Killing in the same 
pew as Mr. and Mrs. Harry Stutter, which 
made a commotion in that part of the church, 
as Mrs. Stutter was once Mrs. Killing. 
Stuyve Mint, who is near-sighted, mistook 
the old family nurse for Mrs. Bumpschus 
and led her up the aisle with a grand flourish 
and put her in the seat of honor; but Willie- 
gilt managed to get her out just as I came up 
with the real mother of the Duchess-elect. So, 
on the whole, there was hardly a hitch. And 
it was worth going a long way to see those 
bridesmaids; worth going early and sitting 
through an hour of music; worth the long 
wait afterward for your carriage, with all 
the attendant perils of such a crowd as filled 
the streets. Visions in pink those girls were, 
stepping airily down a rosy pathway. An 
gelica Clime with Gladys Tumbleton, Clar- 
227 



MRS. RADIGAN 

issa Mudison with Emily Lumpley, Hebes 
all. And then Pearl Veal ! 

We talk of the daughters of a hundred 
earls. I have seen them, too. God save 
me from them! Give me this daughter of 
Kansas City, whose blood runs red. No 
proud anaemia pales her cheek. She can 
boast a family as old as the Fitznits, a hun 
dred generations of men and women, rugged 
folk with good digestions and little else. 
They left her no crest. She had to adopt 
one. But from them came the most perfect 
face and form in all the town the red-gold 
hair that frames that perfect face ; the round, 
dimpled cheeks from which the color never 
goes, but plays now deeper, now softer, like 
the sunlight on the clouds; those glorious 
blue eyes with the quiet gleam lurking in 
their depths; that mouth that says so little 
in words and yet speaks volumes; the foot, 
the hand they would seem the heritage of 
the storied daughters of the storied nobles. 
She glided down the aisle that day, so quietly 
proud, so proudly quiet, that I doubt if in 
228, 



MRS. RADIGAN 

all that church, filled to suffocation with the 
smartest of the town, there came to one soul 
the thought that her grandfather was 
But why think of it? As Mrs. Radigan 
says, money covers a multitude of ancestors. 



229 



CHAPTER XXIV 

Mrs. Radigan Being Smart^ 
Becomes Clever 

ONE week more and I shall be married. 
It used to be said that there were three great 
events in a woman s life birth, marriage, 
and death and I take it that the same is true 
of man. But under our improved social sys 
tem we are not quite so restricted. As Mrs. 
Radigan remarked the other afternoon, there 
are now a number of great events birth, 
marriages, and death but I fear she becomes 
more cynical as she grows smarter. I will 
not take such a view, and when she expressed 
it, I put down my foot hard, and looking 
fiercely at Pearl Veal, said that I wanted it 
understood then and there that after next 
Tuesday she had nothing to look forward to 
but death. She was very good about it, and 
smilingly replied that she agreed with me 
230 



MRS. RADIGAN 

very thoroughly. Pearl is so different from 
her sister. Mrs. Radigan has become very 
broad and says that nothing keeps her with 
John but her affection for him, and his dog- 
like admiration for her. She has become 
brilliant and is writing a book, a satire on so 
ciety, I believe, so has begun to surround her 
self with what she calls clever people, whom 
she patronizes. He has not changed. He 
knows nothing of " atmosphere " or of 
" color," has no imagination, and cannot rise 
above stocks, carbureters, and glanders. His 
wife loves him, but pities him. She says that 
their tastes are utterly different, that he is dull 
and worldly, and thinks this beautiful earth 
of ours nothing more than a mint, and life 
simply a job. He yawns when she talks to 
him about the " soul " and the " music of 
things," so they never have common ground 
to meet on except when they go over the 
household-bills. 

Now with Captain Lord Algernon Fitznit 
it is different. It was different, we remember, 
with Mr. Mudison. He came into our lives 
231 



MRS. RADIGAN 

as Mrs. Radigan was growing smart, and 
naturally she found the premiere danseur of 
the cotillons, the member of seven clubs, the 
polo player with nine handicap a more con 
genial companion than John, who hopped 
when he danced and was just learning to take 
a fence and handle a mallet. Poor John ! 
At the risk of life and limb, he became a 
thorough sport to please his wife, and then 
found that, having established herself as 
smart, she was looking on life with a cynical 
eye and becoming clever. Lord Algernon is 
clever, she says. He has been spending a 
week with us at the Westbury place, and will 
be here until after the wedding. Mrs. Radi 
gan laid hands on him at the Bumpschus 
breakfast and simply would not let him go 
back to England until he had given us some 
of his valuable time, so down he came, with 
all his six feet four, his sad, drooping mus 
tache, his monocle, and his " Aw." He is 
to sail in a few weeks with the Duke and 
Duchess of Nocastle, and the bull pups, who 
are now South on their wedding-trip. 
232 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Pearl Veal said that we shall be having the 
Colossus of Rhodes down next, but I cannot 
see that Lord Algernon bothers her very 
much, as her sister hardly lets him out of her 
sight, though at various times she has had a 
lot of people to meet him. One of the first 
was Carrie de Bowler, the actress, who goes 
everywhere now. Pearl argues that she is 
really not an actress, but is simply a star, and 
is received because she is beautiful and has 
good manners. Mrs. Radigan has been very 
kind to Miss de Bowler this winter, and when 
she found out that Lord Algernon had once 
married a dancer, but that it had been broken 
off by the family, she immediately concluded 
that he liked clever people, and asked the 
lovely Carrie for a week-end, with Hether- 
ington Hopper, who writes nonsense novels. 
I cannot understand where she conceived the 
idea that the English giant was intellectual. 
Of course his predilection for the stage is well 
known, in London it is a common scandal, 
but on my fishing expeditions into his brains 
I have hooked up only a few facts relating to 
233 



MRS. RADIGAN 

dogs and horses, and two anecdotes from the 
Sporting Times. But he is as good-natured 
as he is big. He listens well on any subject. 
Give him a comfortable chair, a cigar, a 
Scotch-and-soda, and he seems to enjoy Mrs. 
Radigan s views on the futility of life and the 
saving power of art just as well as Radigan s 
discourses on gasoline cars and stocks. Now 
when Mrs. Radigan reads scenes from her 
novel to her husband he dozes off to sleep and 
dreams of stocks and horses, so that when 
she pauses at the end of a thrilling climax, to 
hear him snoring gently, she is rightly indig 
nant. But Lord Algernon seems to sleep 
with his eyes open, and every now and 
then he says " Aw " or " Jolly " or " Clever 
very clever," and sips his Scotch. So 
Mrs. Radigan feels that their tastes are the 
same. 

The other afternoon we were in the library 
having tea, after our return from the Fish 
ing Club. Hetherington and Carrie had left 
the trap and were walking home, so there 
were six of us Pearl Veal and I sitting by 
234 



MRS. RADIGAN 

the library window watching the sun set, Radi- 
gan studying the stock quotations in the after 
noon paper, Mignonette Klapper playing a 
new game of solitaire, and Mrs. Radigan 
reading to the soldier, the soldier drinking 
Scotch and smoking. 

You see how I am developing the hero 
ine, my Lord," we heard her say, laying aside 
her manuscript. " Of course Caroline, being 
enormously rich, suspects unjustly that the 
men who flock about her care only for her 
money. Her money is her curse, which 
brings us back to the great principle of com 
pensation in life. For instance, John has had 
to give up raw onions, of which he used to 
be passionately fond. So Caroline has every 
thing in the world but love, while Alonzo, 
the poor artist, who goes every morning to 
the park just to see her walk by, loves her for 
herself, knows nothing of her wealth, and yet 
they are divided by a wide gulf. Our silly 
conventions require that they must not speak, 
and yet she rides by daily and sees him stand 
ing by the reservoir in an attitude of adora- 
235 



MRS. RADIGAN 

tion and she yearns for him, but how are they 
to be introduced? Of course, as I go on, I 
shall develop Alonzo." 

" Clever, very clever," interrupted his 
Lordship. " But Mrs. Radigan, tell me, 
what do you do about the spelling? " 

" That, of course," replied Mrs. Radigan 
sagely, " is the most difficult part of literary 
work, for I have tried using a dictionary and 
know what it means. Now I let my secre 
tary do it. I just go kind of sketching along 
the ideas and she puts them together, and 
very well, too, Hethy Hopper says. Hethy 
says, too, that if I sign my name the book 
will be a success, anyway, because I am well 
known, to start with. But I ve a better idea 
than that have it look as though John and 
I collaborated is that the word? There is 
something so delightful in the picture of a 
husband and wife writing a book together, 
and think of the interest that would be aroused 
by the announcement of The Calf Worship 
pers, by John and Sally Radigan." 

Radigan s paper rattled to the floor and 
236 



MRS. RADIGAN 

he sat bolt upright in his chair, staring at his 
wife. 

" Clever very clever," cried Lord Al 
gernon, pulling at his long, blond mustache. 

Radigan s voice trembled a little. " My 
dear," he said, " it is kind of you to want to 
share your glory with me, but I would not 
think of it. A man can have a clever wife, 
but the minute he becomes clever himself he 
is lost. Remember, my name is up for mem 
bership in the Cholmondeley Club." 

" Nonsense," said Mrs. Radigan firmly. 
" It would silence all those silly stories in 
Town Twaddle if people thought we had 
written a novel together." 

" But think of my having to go on the 
Stock Exchange after the book was pub 
lished," pleaded Radigan. 

" You are afraid of yourself, John," re 
plied his wife kindly. You do not realize 
that now you are smart enough and rich 
enough to be a fool without hurting your 
position in the world. Hethy Hopper 
thinks the book will be very clever, and by 
237 



MRS. RADIGAN 

getting it out under both our names we will 
demonstrate to the world how versified, I 
mean volatile, we are." 

" Clever awfully clever," said Lord Al 
gernon rising and wandering, apparently 
aimlessly, to the table, where Mignonette 
Klapper was knitting her brow over a puzzle 
of cards. 

" Sally is clever," said Pearl Veal quietly 
to me. What a woman she is! She has 
been poor and rich. She was common and 
became a Knickerbocker and then smart. 
Now she is clever, and when she wearies of 
that she will settle down and be good. She 
thinks she has never been good, and it would 
hurt her dreadfully to be disillusioned." 

A spindly French chair creaked as the 
Guardsman sat down beside Mignonette. 

" Captain, you have not heard all of the 
chapter," cried Mrs. Radigan sweetly from 
the divan, where she sat enthroned amid 
cushions. 

The Guardsman was strangely deaf. He 
seemed to become strangely talkative, too, 
238 



MRS. RADIGAN 

for we heard Mignonette laugh and say, 
" Oh, your Lordship is too flattering." He 
did say " Aw," but he added something to it, 
very much to it, indeed, and when he had 
finished I noticed that she was blushing de 
lightfully and smiling. Poor Mrs. Radi- 
gan! The soldier s broad back was toward 
her, but she could see the two heads together 
and hear Miss Klapper s musical laugh and 
the Englishman s joyous " Aw." For a mo 
ment she stared at them in amazement; then 
gathered up the scattered pages of The 
Calf Worshippers," arose and exclaimed, 
" Come girls, it s high time to dress for 
dinner. I see Carrie and Hethy just com 
ing in." 

"Jolly girl, Miss Klapper? " said Lord 
Algernon to me as we were going upstairs 
together toward the bachelor quarter of the 
house. 

" From the West," said I. 

"Are all your Western girls beautiful?" 
inquired he gravely. 

" All that are asked to visit in the East 
239 



MRS. RADIGAN 

are," I answered. " Or else rich. The 
others marry at home." 

" Miss Klapper is, of course, rich?" said 
his Lordship in an offhand way as he polished 
his monocle. 

"Milwaukee," said I. " Klapper s Ex 
tra Pale." 

" Aw," said he cheerfully. 

" But she has no family." I thought it 
best just to tell him that. 

"Family?" said he in a puzzled way. 
" Do you have them in America? " 

" One or two," said I. " But they are 
nearly all buried now." 

The Guardsman paused at his own door. 

" She is certainly stunning," he mused. 
"Lovely face; charming figure; eyes fairly 
crackle; and clever, very clever. You say 
she comes from Klapper s Extra Pale? 
Aw." 

He softly closed the door. 

I saw then that Mrs. Radigan was right. 
Captain Lord Algernon Fitznit is clever, but 
in the English way. All those hours when 
240 



MRS. RADIGAN 

he seemed to be listening attentively to ideas 
on life and art he was really taking stock 
of Miss Klapper and making an eye at her 
through his monocle. And all those hours 
when she was sitting alone with her cards, 
demurely, as became a girl just out of school, 
knitting her pretty brow over the puzzle they 
presented, she had been conscious of it, 
charmingly conscious, and had kept her dark 
eyes intent on the knaves in the pack ex 
cept now and then. 

Mignonette has just been finished. They 
finish them well, nowadays, in our schools; 
polish them up so not a rough spot shows. 
She had " gentlemen friends " a few years 
ago. Now she is somewhat wiser. But in 
New York she can boast only a few acquaint 
ances, and those on Riverside Drive, in Har 
lem, and in Brooklyn. Therefore, says Mrs. 
Radigan, she is a person you ought not to 
know; in herself she may not be objection 
able, but when we take people up we should 
not look at them so critically as at their 
friends, who number more, and may try to 
241 



MRS. RADIGAN 

come into our lives in hordes. But Pearl 
Veal has stood by Mignonette. They went 
to school together, and though she has a 
trained laugh and a finished smile, and all 
those other accomplishments that girls learn 
at school to unfit them for good society, she 
is Pearl s oldest friend and will attend her 
at her wedding, attend her alone. Announc 
ing that, Pearl s foot went down and Mrs. 
Radigan gasped, for she had already in 
timated to Marie Antoinette Williegilt, 
Marian Speechless, and one or two other 
young women one should know, that they 
would be called on to be bridesmaids. 
Beaten there, Mrs. Radigan sought consola 
tion in Lord Algernon. And as now that 
gallant Guardsman is making an eye through 
his monocle at the person one ought not to 
know, it looks as though Mrs. Radigan will 
have to console herself with Green of my 
old boarding-house, who comes down to 
morrow and is to be my best man. Green 
is my oldest friend, but I must confess I am 
nervous about him. In all probability this is 
242 



MRS. RADIGAN 

the first week-end he ever spent, and he is 
likely to appear at Westbury in a topper and 
frock-coat, and it is two to one that he will 
talk about the latest " show," and festoon a 
watch-chain across his dress waistcoat. But 
I have known him for years, while with 
Williegilt Bumpschus, who was pressed on 
me by Mrs. Radigan, I have only a passing 
acquaintance. 



243 



CHAPTER XXV 

Pearl Veal and I 

PEARL S new car is a wonder. It picked 
us up last Tuesday at the Westbury house, 
gathered us in with a shower of rice and old 
shoes. With a fiendish roar it started, but 
all the devils went out of it with a siss and 
a bang, and by the time we had sv/ung 
through the gate it was going sweetly and 
swiftly, so softly that we seemed to be borne 
on the wind that swept over the plain, so 
quickly that, did the road hold straight 
and hard and smooth, we could circle the 
world in a day. How we flew ! Constables 
shouted from the fences, but we outsped the 
sound of their voices. Horses shied into 
ditches, and drivers called down maledictions ; 
but when Pearl Veal is abroad in her car you 
hear just the rustle of the angels wings and 
244 



MRS. RADIGAN 

see nothing. At Jamaica a mounted police 
man thought that he saw something, ut 
spurs to his steed, came clattering down the 
road in chase, yelling fiercely, and the answer 
was a wild scream of the horn as we shot 
around a corner and knew him no more. She 
cut across three funerals just to show that she 
was not superstitious, then almost cost us all 
our lives to save a dog from being flattened 
under the wheels. 

" Madam," said Gascan, the chauffeur, 
with a tremble even in his voice, " they will 
catch us at the ferry." 

;&lt; We will go by the bridge, then," was 
the quiet answer. " It will take but a few 
minutes longer." 

So by the bridge we came, losing our 
selves in the mazes of the East Side and 
ending forever all chances of pursuit; turn 
ing at last sedately into the avenue and pick 
ing our way uptown through the crush of 
carriages that block the way on a bright 
spring afternoon. 

Why, we have been over an hour from 
245 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Westbury," she said, glancing at the clock 
on the Brick Church tower. 

That is the way we have been travelling 
for a week flying. Sometimes Gascan, the 
silent, takes the wheel, and we roll easily 
along at legal speed, not at all to keep within 
the absurd law, but to quiet our nerves with 
a smoke, to rest our eyes on the blue sky and 
the stately clouds, and our ears with the music 
of the wood and meadow. Then Pearl will 
take command, Pearl, all goggled and ar 
mored, all enwrapped in dust cloth and ashes 
till she would seem an animated mummy in 
stead of the fairest girl in town. With her 
eyes intent on the road, intent on the spot 
a mile ahead where we are to be an instant 
later, and mine intent on her as she sits be 
side me, strong, alert, resourceful, we go at 
top speed, a mad pace, for miles and miles 
and miles, running away from the law and the 
world. We forget them all, all the Mints 
and Bumpschuses, the Wherrys and Lites, the 
Nocastles and Nothinghams, all the smart 
folk and noble folk with whom God and Mrs. 
246 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Radigan have seen fit to cast our lot in the 
past few years. Sometimes we forget even 
John and Sally, but that is only in the ex 
citement of the road when we are hurling 
ourselves over hill and valley. When even 
ing comes and Gascan has unloaded the car, 
and dinner comes, and Pearl and I sit over 
coffee and a cigarette, she will blow a smoke 
ring and say, as she watches it rise into the 
darkness: " I wonder what Sally is doing 
now." 

" Reading her novel to Lord Algernon 
Fitznit," I will venture. 

" Or to Green," Pearl will say with a quiet 
smile. 

" Or preparing for Newport," I will sug 
gest. 

" And planning the donkey-dinner," Pearl 
will laugh. 

" She was to give a fair for the hospital, 
you may remember," I say, " and she told me 
distinctly that she proposed to spend almost 
all her time in church-work." 

" After the racing season," Pearl explains. 
247 



MRS. RADIGAN 

You know she has started a stable with 
Constance Wherry, and promises to give to 
the church all she makes in the ring." 
Their colors?" I inquire. 

" Gold," Pearl answers; "all gold with 
narrow silver hoops and the horses entered 
by Mr. Nagidar, the new firm s name and 
Radigan backward." 

Then I will raise my glass and clink it 
gently over the table with Pearl s. " To 
Mr. Nagidar, success," I say. 

A sip. Up go the glasses again, and I 
suggest: "To Mrs. Radigan yesterday in 
Kansas City, to-day the smartest woman 
in town, to-morrow the patron saint of 
Society." 

" But Sally was never so enthusiastic over 
you," Pearl says, resting her chin on her 
clinched fists as she leans on the table 
and smiles at me. Remember Plumstone 
Smith and the Duke of Nocastle even Cap 
tain Lord Algernon Fitznit." 

" I prefer to forget them," I exclaim, 
" and will remember only that but for Mrs. 
248 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Radigan I should never have met Pearl 
Veal ! " 

" Ve-al," Pearl corrects me laughingly. 
" Thank Heaven, I have at last got rid of 
that dreadful name. People simply would 
not help me out with the French pronuncia 
tion." 

" Names are made in heaven like mar 
riages," I aver, lighting a cigar. 

The same insight into human needs is 
shown in both cases," Pearl declares. " But, 
anyway, I could change mine." 

" And, thank Heaven, not to Smith nor to 
Fitznit," I murmur devoutly. 

" Thank Heaven," says she. And she 
raises her glass and murmurs softly, " To 
Us!" 

Then we forget the Radigans again, 
the Mints and the Bumpschuses, the No- 
castles and the Fitznits, and all those tiresome 
folk. Sometimes letters follow us, and when 
they start in time and follow fast they catch 
us and for a while drag us back again to 
home and friends. To-day we had quite a 
249 



MRS. RADIGAN 

batch of them, mostly from Mrs. Radigan, 
with one from Mignonette Klapper announc 
ing her engagement to Captain Lord Alger 
non Fitznit, and a marked paper containing 
a picture of the Guardsman and his fiancee, 
and telling all about the romance that began 
at the Long Island house. I must confess 
I can see nothing romantic in the match, for 
the giant soldier seemed to have too plain 
sailing; did nothing, just eyed Mignonette 
through his monocle while Mrs. Radigan 
read to him, as he smoked and sipped Scotch, 
and the girl played solitaire so innocently. 
Then he proposed and she took him, and that 
is the end of it. I suppose they arranged it 
the day of our wedding, for he was to leave 
Westbury next morning and she to start that 
night for her Milwaukee home. But she 
stayed over, announced the engagement at 
breakfast, and took him West to show to the 
family. 

" Her conduct was horrid," wrote Mrs. 
Radigan to Pearl. " It makes my blood boil 
to think that all those hours when I was read- 
250 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ing my novel to him, he was flirting with that 
little minx. I told you from the first that 
this is what you might expect if you persisted 
in your friendships with people you ought not 
to know. Now she will go to London and, 
with her money and his family, will be in 
the thick of the Court set and in prime shape 
to snub me back if I do not cringe. Her 
conduct the day of the wedding was dread 
ful, though I suppose you were too busy to 
notice it. She kept him trailing after her all 
day long, when he should have been atten 
tive to Marian Speechless and Clarissa Mudi- 
son and Gladys Tumbleton, and all those 
nice girls who have been so kind to him 
since he came over. He simply ignored 
them and followed her around wherever she 
went, like a little dog, and after you had 
gone away in the car the two of them slipped 
out for a long walk and never got back till 
nearly dinner-time. The first I heard of the 
engagement was late in the evening, when, 
thinking no one was there, I happened to 
look into the library." 

251 



MRS. RADIGAN 

" Poor Sally ! " said Pearl as she laid down 
the letter. " She will never forgive me for 
having a quiet wedding." 

" A quiet wedding! " I cried. " What is 
a quiet wedding? " 

My mind, of course, went back to the 
dreadful day or three days, for the trouble 
began on Saturday when the house filled 
with people and there was no rest till that 
afternoon, when we jumped into the car amid 
a shower of rubbish and flew away. There 
was all the worry about Green, enough to 
break down any man, particularly as there 
was no need of it, after all. He is my old 
est friend, so I did want him to stand by 
me at that trying time, but, of course, he 
knows only queer people and I was sure he 
would behave like a fish out of water. But 
Green proved wonderful. He has picked 
up a lot of things in the past year, has quite 
changed his style of dressing, and as he is 
a handsome fellow, he got along splendidly 
with everybody, told some new stories, 
cleaned up considerable at bridge, beat Radi- 
252 



MRS. RADIGAN 

gan at billiards, and killed a long Sunday 
evening for us with an improvised musicale, 
in which he and Miss Klapper did every 
thing, except that Lord Algernon sang a 
drinking-song. The Count and Countess 
Poglioso Spinnigini invited him to visit them 
in Italy when they return there ten years 
hence; Marian Speechless got him promised 
for a week-end in June; Stuyve Mint asked 
him to go out to the races on their coach 
next week, and as for Mrs. Radigan, I heard 
her distinctly introduce him to Mrs. Heger- 
ton Humming as the " most brilliant man I 
know." 

Pearl looked up from another letter: 
" Sally writes that she has asked that lovely 
Mr. Green to Newport in August," she 
said, handing the note across the table for my 
inspection. 

So I pinched myself to make sure that it 
was I, as I have pinched myself a dozen 
times in the past week when my mind has 
gone back to the old days in the boarding- 
house and to that dreadful real-estate time. 

253 



MRS. RADIGAN 

And here is Green, my friend Green, yester 
day in a hall bedroom, to-day spending week 
ends, to-morrow being toted around Newport 
as the most " brilliant man Mrs. Radigan 
knows," which can only mean the most 
brilliant in all the town. Green was splendid. 
Even she approved of him, and there were 
few things about that wedding which did 
meet her approbation. 

I cannot see why Mrs. Radigan was dis 
appointed, except that the Bumpschus-No- 
castle affair overshadowed it, as it did all 
other of the season s functions. It was small. 
They say it was quiet. It certainly was smart, 
for, except for Miss Klapper and Green, only 
those worth knowing were asked, some four 
hundred all told, of whom perhaps a half 
came down on a special train, and it took 
every trap in the neighborhood to get them 
over to the house. Well could Mrs. Radigan 
view with pride that assemblage beneath her 
roof, when the orchestra struck up the wed 
ding-march and Radigan led Pearl Veal 
through that splendid company, down the 
254 



MRS. RADIGAN 

aisle they had formed to the rosy bower 
where stood two bishops and a half-dozen 
other of the clergy, where I stood with Green. 
Mint and Bumpschus, Williegilt and Wherry, 
Hegerton and Humming every great name 
in the city was there. Every railroad had 
sent its representative; every street-car line 
and bank; every race-track and towing com 
pany even some medicines and breakfast- 
foods. These were the proudest of the city. 
These were the great folk of the land. 
Yesterday none knew her. Yesterday some 
snubbed her. To-day they journey miles to 
see her sister married, not because they are 
very interested, but because she is a power 
and it is well to be there; they call her Sally 
and her husband Jack; they throw rice at 
her sister and old shoes at me in an outburst 
of affection. Is it a wonder that I pinch 
myself to make sure that it is I? 

And of the future, what? Shall we climb 
higher or shall we fall? Higher we cannot 
climb, but of a fall I have little fear, while 
the money lasts. To-morrow the Radigans 

255 



MRS. RADIGAN 

will be old and conservative, and Sally will 
be content with four houses and one small 
dance a year, will honor her friends with 
a card handed in by the footman, will head 
the list of patronesses of all charities, and 
spend Lent in a retreat. New Radigans will 
rise, Radigans with more money and more 
brains and more push. For the Radigans of 
to-day are the Bumpschuses of to-morrow and 
the Van Rundouns of the day after. Then 
they disappear in the great human sea of those 
who are not worth knowing. 



256 



CHAPTER XXVI 

In which Mr. Mudison in His 
Memoirs Gives Us Some Insight 
into Mrs. Radigan s Shattered 
Romance 

MY own story lies unfolded in my frag 
mentary record. As I glance back over my 
pages so leisurely scribbled it seems as though 
the great events of my life had been squeezed 
into two years. A man s romance ends when 
he is married generally. After that he may 
be happy, but existence is humdrum. I am 
floating on placid waters, flowing gently, car 
rying me easily along, sometimes into the 
shadow of rugged, threatening shores, but al 
ways out again into the delicious calm and 
sunshine. Some day, weary even of the little 
paddling, I shall sink. That will complete 
my history, but others must record it. For 
myself and of myself I shall write no more. 
257 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Into my pages, however, there have come 
others whose lives I should like to follow. 
Pearl says that, written, they would make 
dull reading. Possibly. Still it would seem 
that were Marian Speechless to disclose the 
inwardness of her intrigue to capture Willie- 
gilt Bumpschus and his millions we should 
have a narrative full of humor and pathos. 
We shall never know that story, even if 
it reaches a happy conclusion, for it will 
be told to the world in a notice of an en 
gagement and a few newspaper paragraphs 
concerning the wedding. Gay Cecil Hash 
is an ideal hero, and his affair with the lovely 
Sunday-school teacher, his reform, his mar 
riage, and withdrawal from wordly gayety 
would delight the most romantic reader. 
That book is closed. So with scores of 
others. But in one thing I feel that I have 
been fortunate Mr. Mudison s memoirs 
have been rescued from oblivion. Aside from 
their interest as the story of a famous man 
and their historical value, I find that they 
round out my own pages, clearing up many 
258 



MRS. RADIGAN 

points left obscure by my limited range of 
observation. His name occurs frequently 
in the notes made during the summer fol 
lowing my wedding, most conspicuously in 
August, when Mrs. Radigan, in a letter to 
Pearl, tells how she has refused him posi 
tively for the sixth and last time, for the sim 
ple reason that she still loves John devotedly. 
Then Mr. Mudison for a while disappears 
from our life, and though through the fall 
and winter I heard many rumors concern 
ing him, I did not get at the truth until I 
undertook for him the task of editing his 
memoirs. 

A glance at the Social Register gives at 
once an idea of the importance of my friend. 
After his name we find these extremely smart 
hieroglyphics: T., C., Cm., P., Wh., B., H., 
Ex., Sr., Sm., H. 90. This, of course, as 
everyone knows, means that his clubs are the 
Ticktock, the Cholmondeley, the Cosmopoli 
tan, the Ping-pong, the Westbury Hunt, the 
Boxing, the Horseback, and the Exudo. Be 
sides, he is a member of the Sons of the Re- 
259 



MRS. RADIGAN 

bellion and the Society of the Mexican War, 
while the last abbreviation stamps him a man 
of Harvard education. So Mudison is worth 
knowing. The greatest figures in the finan 
cial world, the political powers of the country, 
the artistic and literary celebrities, deem it a 
matter of pride to be seen in his company, 
for he is what so many millions strive to be 
and only a few hundred are he is tremen 
dously smart. I do not use the word in its 
vulgar sense. Mudison does not know a 
Greek root from an X-ray, but his family has 
been prominent in New York for fifty years, 
and its founder, the sheriff of the name, left 
a fortune that, though divided and sub 
divided, suffices to keep my friend in clothes 
and clubs. 

The memoirs of such a man are of im 
mense value, as they give to posterity an 
intimate picture of the life of his day, which, 
after all, is vastly more important than ac 
counts of battles and Presidential elections. 
But I do not for an instant suppose that Mr. 
Mudison, in those hours between his morn- 
260 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ing coffee and his breakfast at the Ping-pong 
Club, when he scribbled his fragmentary ac 
counts of his adventures, had any idea that he 
was rendering a service to future generations. 
He was simply killing time. In truth, there 
is much in his notes that is trivial, even much 
that might be called worthless. But there is 
a great deal that will be of immense interest, 
dealing as it does with some of the most 
important social events of the day. A part 
of this it has been my good fortune to gather 
together in more lasting form than his scat 
tered pages, and with a few corrections in 
spelling and grammar it has been prepared 
for future study. 

******* 

I am just back from a most charming week 
end at R. Timpleton Duff s in Westchester, 
and, upon my word, I do not know whether I 
am glad or sorry that I went. My appetite 
this morning was completely satiated with 
half a roll and a cup of coffee, so I think that 
instead of going to the club I shall take a 
stroll in the park and ponder it all over. 
261 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Confound women, anyway! A man should 
never let himself be caught straying from 
within call of the avenue. There only is he 
safe. You meet women in town, but you 
never get to know them. It is on these 
infernal house-parties that they depend. 
There it is that they get you off in a corner 
and talk to you about your hopes and 
ambitions, discover that they agree with you 
exactly on the latest plays and novels, reveal 
to you their own unhappiness and their 
belief in the hollowness of life as it is at pres 
ent. It always takes me a week to recover 
my appetite after a house-party, and I vow 
that each one will be my last. But Mrs. Duff 
is artful. She knows me of old. She never 
writes, lest she give me an opportunity to 
think up an excuse. She calls me on the 
phone, and asks if I have anything to do 
to-morrow, and being taken by surprise and 
fearing to betray myself by a quaver in my 
voice, I stupidly say no. There I am caught ! 
A few hours later down she comes in a car, 
and I am whirled away at a forty-mile-an- 
262 



MRS. RADIGAN 

hour clip to Restabit I think that is the 
name of their place. 

As is usual when you go by car and your 
luggage by rail, my bag did not arrive in 
time for dinner, and I had to array myself in 
one of Timpleton s old suits, which fit so 
abominably that Mrs. Underbunk, evidently 
thinking me a servant, swept proudly by 
when we met in the hall. This, of course, 
made a huge joke when I followed her into 
the drawing-room and was formally pre 
sented. 

A charming woman ! She might be twenty- 
five; she might be fifty. Yet there is no evi 
dence of art about her. She is a simple little 
thing, with bright eyes, and a figure that she 
sets off very well in a black gown all shim- 
mery with spangles, and a snappy little waist 
with narrow ribbons for sleeves. She let me 
drape over her shoulders a gauzy network 
shawl to keep off the cold, and then tucked 
her arm snugly under mine and was led in to 
dinner. My hostess was at my left, and she 
whispered to me that Gladys, as she called 
263 



MRS. RADIGAN 

her, had been the wife of Joshua Underbunk, 
who has since married Amy Lightly, the 
prima donna of the Whoop-de-doodle " 
company. Mrs. Duff s^id it was awfully sad, 
but, glancing at my companion, I confess I 
could not see but that she was bearing up 
well. She was talking gayly to the literary 
fellow on her right. The Duffs, you see, 
have a penchant for queer people. The 
Tommy Tattlers, of course, are nice, as are 
Harry Pumley and Sally Bilberry, but where 
they ever raked up that Miss Sapper, the 
artist, and Julius Hogginson Fairfield, is be 
yond me. Mrs. Duff told me over oysters 
that Fairfield was awfully clever, and had 
written " The Smash," the heaviest-selling 
novel of the day. He had been taken up by 
the Twitters, who rather pride themselves on 
not being exclusive. I have no personal objec 
tion to literary people and their kind, but it is 
so seldom that they know anything. Fair- 
field, for instance, did not understand that he 
was to talk half the time to Mrs. Tommy 
Tattler, and give me a chance with Mrs. Un- 
264 



MRS. RADIGAN 

derbunk. Instead, he took up her entire din 
ner, telling her how he happened to write 
" The Smash," and what a poor book it really 
was, and how the public had greatly over-esti 
mated its literary worth. Once I began to 
give her my famous story of the Irishman in 
the diving-bell, and he had to break in and en 
gage her eyes, her smile, and all her attention, 
leaving me to discuss stocks with Harry 
Pumley, across Mrs. Duff. 

My revenge and my chance came later in 
the evening, when we sat down to bridge, 
and Fairfield by a strange fate cut Mrs. Un- 
derbunk for a partner, against myself and 
Sally Bilberry, who depends on cards for her 
clothes. Mrs. Underbunk announced that 
she never played for money, which I admire 
immensely in her, for I don t think that wom 
en who are living on alimony should gamble. 
Julius Hogginson Fairfield gallantly said 
that he would carry her, and asked how she 
discarded. She did not know. I saw him 
flush, and his hand trembled as he led. But 
to me his partner was tremendously pretty 
265 



MRS. RADIGAN 

and ingenuous in her game. It was delight 
ful the way she protested after she had re 
voked and Miss Bilberry sternly claimed 
three tricks. Her apologies were charming 
after we had doubled Fairfield s no-trump 
make and she had doubled back, allowing us 
to run up a score of 288 points. At the end 
of two rubbers the author looked very warm. 
His collar and shirt-front had wilted com 
pletely. Having shared with Sally Bilberry 
a considerable part of the royalties from 
" The Smash," I was lucky enough to cut out 
with Mrs. Underbunk to let in Mrs. Duff and 
Pumley. 

When, an hour later, they called to us in 
our secluded corner of the library that it was 
our turn to take a hand, the dear woman re 
plied that she had a headache and really did 
not care to play, and I, for my part, vowed 
that bridge bored me to death. So we talked 
on. I must say that I was at my best. She 
was tremendously interested in everything, 
and seemed to enjoy having me explain how 
we bought stock on margins, and hearing 
266 



MRS. RADIGAN 

about the time I was arrested for over-speed 
ing my car, and of the coup I made at the 
Brooklyn Handicap last year. We got on 
tremendously. At first we thought it strange 
that we had not met before, as her former 
husband and I belong to the same clubs, but 
then she has been living abroad and has but 
lately returned. Curiously enough, we found 
that we had the same tastes in everything. 
She is devoted to riding and motoring and 
yachting. She is fond of the theatre, and ab 
hors German opera. She loves literature, and 
was delighted when I promised to send her 
a batch of new detective-stories I recently 
picked up at my bookseller s. Then she is 
very strict in her religious views, a quality 
which I greatly admire in her sex, and I must 
confess that, as I peeped out of the window in 
the morning and saw her alone climbing into 
the trap and driving off to church at White 
Plains, I roundly cursed myself for sleeping 
so late and promising to ride- with Mrs. 
Tommy Tattler before luncheon. 

But we go through fire to victory. In the 
267 



MRS. RADIGAN 

afternoon a drive down to the Country Club 
for tea gave me an opportunity on the quiet 
to propose to her a little theatre-party next 
week, with supper at Flurry s, and at bridge 
in the evening I actually insisted on carrying 
her, thereby in three rubbers losing to Tommy 
Tattler and Sally Bilberry all I had taken 
from Julius Hogginson Fairfield, with quite 
a sum more. But I have a good tip on Kala- 
bash, second preferred, and can afford to be 
reckless. Love does make us reckless, and I 
suppose this is love. Of course these attacks 
never amount to anything as long as a man 
keeps his head when he loses his heart. I 
have ever managed to hold on to my head. 
The trouble with most men is that they think 
that death or matrimony is the only cure for 
heart-trouble. They succumb at the first 
attack. 

A little experience would teach them better, 
but they never gather it. I know how it has 
always been with me. For example, now as 
always, there will be a loss of appetite, a few 
books and flowers, the theatre-party, and per- 
268 



MRS. RADIGAN 

haps another week-end down on Long Island 
or at Exudo. 

Then I shall, as of old, run over my ac 
counts and see that to marry I should have to 
resign from half my clubs, for, of course, 
I could not live on alimony. Then some day 
I ll smoke it all off. A headache, and love s 
old dream will have vanished. 

Still, I agree with Mrs. Timpleton Duff. 
Some of us came down to town in her car 
to-day, and when we had left Mrs. Under- 
bunk at the Holland House and were heading 
uptown, my hostess said to me, " Isn t Gladys 
a dear?" 

Thoroughly charming," said I. Tre 
mendously jolly." 

" I wanted you so to meet her," said she. 
" I knew you would find each other so con 
genial. Gladys has brains." 

So I am off for a stroll alone in the park. 



269 



CHAPTER XXVII 

Mr. Mudison Gives a Theatre- 
party for Mrs. Underbunk 

TwiXT love and clubs oh, dreadful state ! 
A week ago I was boasting that with a few 
flowers and books, a theatre-party, and a 
week-end or two all would be over. To-day 
I know that I have never been in love before; 
that I have only hovered on the borders of the 
dismal swamp; that now I am in the mire. 
My appetite has forsaken me entirely; I find 
no pleasure in my cigars, and the other day 
I actually gave up drinking because I believed 
that it was morally wrong. If this regenera 
tion keeps up I shall become the worst bore 
in town. The deuce of it is that I find myself 
in a condition in an indescribable condition. 
The nearest approach to a diagnosis of my 
case is to say that were I again confronted 
with the possibility of falling in love I should 
270 



MRS. RADIGAN 

avoid it, but being in love, all the money in 
the world would not make me change 
my mood. Curiously, the reverse definition 
works just as well I would give everything 
to be free, but free, would not avoid another 
capture. Strange ! No wonder so many other 
well-known men have been made fools by 
women ! Why, I find myself doing all kinds 
of absurd things then just laugh. Tuesday 
morning I spent figuring from how many 
clubs I should have to resign in order to make 
my income meet the expenses of a wife. It 
was worse than squaring the circle, for no man 
is more unfortunate than he who has a fixed 
income of $20,000 a year, with no business 
in which to increase it; for sooner or later 
he will be confronted with a demand that he 
give up his comfort or his happiness. It is 
a problem to stagger any well-balanced per 
son. So I am taking long walks, alone, at 
unheard-of hours, just yesterday appearing 
on the Avenue at eleven o clock in the morn 
ing. Could I blame Mrs. Timpleton Duff 
for smiling as she drove by? 
271 



MRS. RADIGAN 

When I had typhoid they gave me cold 
baths to reduce the fever. Well, in the last 
few days I have had enough chills to bring 
me back to a normal life. Instead, I grow 
worse, and I see no end, no peace, except in 
that matrimonial bourne whence so compara 
tively few men return. Of that I am con 
vinced. It was impressed on me with double 
force when I dropped in at the Ticktock Club 
the other afternoon to have a cup of tea. 
Whom should I find eying me over a paper 
but Joshua Underbunk, a man for whom I 
have never cared, since, though a captain of 
industry, he has not an idea in his head except 
on pig-iron and pictures. But as there were 
some things I wanted to know, I was pleasant, 
and in return he was most affable, principally, 
I suspect, because he is up for membership in 
the Cholmondeley Club, where some objec 
tion has been raised to him by the High- 
Church set. After casual remarks on things 
in general, I said, rather adroitly, " By the 
bye, I had the pleasure of meeting Mrs. 
Underbunk at a house-party last week." 
272 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Indeed!" said he, looking rather sur 
prised. " Her company was playing in Bos 
ton, I thought." 

Naturally that was rather a blow to me, 
but it seemed best to have it over, so I ex 
plained boldly, " I mean Mrs. Gladys Un- 
derbunk." 

" Oh," said he laughing, " not the pres 
ent Mrs. Underbunk, then. I should like 
very much to have you meet her. But how 

He hesitated, and seeing that he was at 
loss how to designate delicately his relation 
to my delightful friend, I promptly inter 
posed: "She is very well. A charming 
woman." 

" A charming woman ! " cried Mr. Under 
bunk, without a trace of insincerity. " I 
heard that she was in this country. She has 
been living at San Moritz, but I believe she 
ran over to see our eldest boy at Harvard." 

My mind tumbled back to typhoid time. 
This was the cold plunge that failed to re 
duce my fever. The eldest boy at Harvard ! 
273 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Joshua Underbunk s tone indicated a half- 
dozen more somewhere else, yet I found my 
self actually making excuses for the woman. 

Calmly, with no emotion whatever, I said, 
" She did not mention the children, that I re 
member." 

" They are a delightful lot," said Mr. 
Underbunk nonchalantly. " I am sorry I 
cannot see more of them, but her lawyers 
send me quarterly reports of their health and 
financial needs." 

His expression " a delightful lot " would 
more than have justified me in calling off the 
theatre-party that evening and pleading se 
vere illness, and as I walked homeward I 
seriously contemplated such a step, but the 
end of an hour found me despatching my man 
Jangle to the Holland House with a note 
reminding Mrs. Underbunk of the engage 
ment. Moreover, " the delightful lot " were 
entirely forgotten when later I stood before 
her, before the simple little woman, the 
woman of that most attractive of all ages, 
the undefinable; the frank, the demure, the 
274 



MRS. RADIGAN 

vivacious soul; and, most of all, calling espe 
cially for my sympathy, the neglected. That 
Mrs. Underbunk had suffered, that she had 
children, that she had been forsaken, made 
her trebly attractive to me in my highly sen 
sitive state. She is thoroughly conventional 
without being wooden; pious, but not prig 
gish. I do like to see a regard for the out 
ward forms of life, and that she insisted that 
her maid chaperon us to the theatre, a few 
blocks away, served to raise her higher in my 
estimation. To some it might seem that she 
was a trifle over-particular, but a once-married 
woman has to be very careful. 

Of all the plays for me to have chosen, 
The Smash " was the worst. It was the 
first night, and the present Mrs. Underbunk, 
formerly Amy Lightly, of the " Whoop-de- 
doodle " company, was making her debut in 
the legitimate drama; so, eying us from the 
dark recesses of the box across the house was 
Joshua himself. My mind reverted to that 
Mrs. Topper-Tompkins who last summer 
invaded Newport from Chicago, and had 
275 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Jack Tattler to dinner with both Mrs. Bobbie 
Dingingham and Mrs. Willie Timpleton. 
These things will happen nowadays, and we 
must expect them and make the best of them. 
Mrs. Underbunk carried herself beautifully, 
and even went so far as to applaud Amy 
Lightly very generously. The others in our 
box noticed it, and when she was not looking 
they would get their heads together and dis 
cuss her conduct with enthusiastic admiration. 
The Tommy Tattlers, of course, knew her, 
but Winthrop Jumpkin, yth, and Constance 
Twitter had only heard of her. Jumpkin, by 
the way, is a new friend of mine, a very 
decent fellow, though poor; being from Bos 
ton, and tracing his ancestry without a break 
to the Puritan who did not come to this 
country in the Mayflower. I had asked him 
to match Miss Twitter, but he did not seem 
to appreciate the opportunity I had given 
him to meet many millions, and talked in 
cessantly to Mrs. Underbunk, leaving me 
entirely to Mrs. Tattler. Finally, by getting 
him nervous about his fur overcoat I en- 
276 



MRS. RADIGAN 

gineered myself into his chair, so when he 
returned to report the precious garment safe, 
I was too deeply engrossed to notice that I 
had evicted him. 

This was between the acts, of course, dur 
ing the storm of calls for the author. To 
my astonishment, who should come on the 
stage but Julius Hogginson Fairfield, the 
play being only a dramatization of his great 
historical novel. 

Mrs. Underbunk clapped wildly. " Don t 
you remember him?" she whispered, as he 
was making the usual author s speech refusing 
a laurel-wreath. " He is the clever man we 
met at the Duffs ." 

" Ah," said I, pretending that it had just 
occurred to me. " The fellow with the queer 
shoes and the three mother-of-pearl studs." 

" Society," said she prettily, " should make 
allowances for genius." 

" Genius," said I, " should make allow 
ances to society. The best nine tailors living 
cannot fit a genius. Is there any pall on a 
properly conducted social function like the 
277 



MRS. RADIGAN 

entrance of a man who wears congress gaiters 
and mother-of-pearl studs? " 

" Ah, Mr. Mudison, you should look at 
the brain," she protested, shaking her fan 
at me. 

" But the brains should be well served," 
said I. Why should we always have to 
have them garnished with hair, with lay-down 
collars, with awry coats? " 

" It is true," she answered, after a moment 
of thought. " I should not care to have them 
around all the time, but occasionally they give 
variety." 

As Julius Hogginson Fairfield was in that 
part of his speech where he leaves his work 
to posterity to judge, I could not help con 
tinuing for a time this line of speculation, as 
it gave me an opportunity to explain to Mrs. 
Underbunk the hollowness of certain kinds 
of fame which she was evidently inclined to 
acclaim. 

" It must be splendid," she said, " to really 
do something yourself; to achieve something 
with your own intellect and hands; to stand 
278 



MRS. RADIGAN 

with your head just a bit above the common 
herd." 

Yes if you are common," said I. 
" Fame is attractive to the masses. If you 
cannot be smart, be famous." 

"And do you not envy Mr. Fairfield?" 
said she, looking at me in a puzzled 
way, " a man whose books are the best sellers 
of the year, who at this moment is taking his 
place among the leading playwrights of the 
time." 

" No," I answered, following up my ad 
vantage. To-day he is a celebrity ; to 
morrow they will give a theatrical benefit for 
him; the day after, his obituary notice will be 
cut by the newspapers to make room for a 
bucket-shop advertisement. But the names of 
the great cotillon-leaders are on every tongue 
as long as they can stay on their feet." 

I think Mrs. Underbunk is being converted 
to my ideas. Of course she has been living 
abroad for a long time and does not alto 
gether understand our New York view of life, 
but I noticed that when Julius Hogginson 
279 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Fairfield stepped into the box to speak to us, 
she did not give him that absorbed look which 
had so worried me at the Duffs . There was 
balm for him, though, in Constance Twitter s 
admiration. She simply raved over him. 
She had " The Smash," and considered it one 
of the greatest books she had ever read. 

Just to show my own good-nature and 
my fearlessness of him, I invited the author 
to come to Flurry s with us, but he had 
an engagement with the other Underbunks. 

There was a little trouble at supper, as 
Joshua s party took a table right next to 
ours, but on a plea of draughts I managed 
to change to a cozy corner far from this 
disagreeable company. 

Everything passed off most delightfully. I 
had Mrs. Underbunk on my right and Mrs. 
Tattler on my left, with Constance Twitter 
across the table, between Tommy and Win- 
throp Jumpkin, yth. Then I was in my best 
form. Mrs. Underbunk responded splen 
didly. She seemed to have no end of sub 
jects of conversation, and never allowed any 
280 



MRS. RADIGAN 

of those embarrassing pauses, but skipped 
lightly from one topic to another, till we 
touched life in its every phase. 

Her maid was on hand to chaperon her 
back to the hotel, but it did seem to me that 
as we parted at the elevator she held my hand 
longer than convention absolutely required. 

" I have learned much from you to-night," 
she said simply. 

So this morning I am in high feather, 
though my appetite is as poor as ever. 

A careful study of Mr. Mudison s pages, 
covering his life for some weeks following, 
does not reveal much of vital interest. He 
deals largely with matters that are purely 
personal. Here we find that he has changed 
his breakfast-food; again, that he has dis 
covered that gin and champagne are not 
wholesome, and is keeping entirely to rye 
and plain water. Later we learn that, with 
a handicap of thirty points, he won the an 
nual billiard tournament at the Ping-pong 
Club. His comments on the houses at which 
281 



MRS. RADIGAN 

he has dined and on the people he has met 
there, are sometimes interesting as bits of 
gossip, but we are dealing only with matters 
of larger interest in his life. Such is his ac 
count of Roardika s debut as Isolde, which 
forms the next chapter of his edited memoirs. 



282 



CHAPTER XXVIII 

Mr. Mudison Sees Mrs. Under- 
bunk at the Opera 

I FEEL very happy to-day for two reasons. 
Firstly, as my rector says, I have full particu 
lars about the " delightful lot," being in 
formed that they number but three, two small 
boys besides the Harvard man, for all of 
whom Joshua provides liberally. Secondly, 
I have learned that Mrs. Underbunk was the 
aggrieved party; that Joshua had the bad 
temper; that the South Dakota courts forbade 
him to marry again in that State. Immedi 
ately on receipt of this information I sent an 
armful of American Beauties to the Holland 
House, and yesterday morning one of her 
characteristic little notes brought her thanks. 
Then she expressed her regret that she would 
miss seeing me that evening, as she under 
stood that I was going to the theatre with 
283 



MRS. RADIGAN 

the Trimmings, and she had an opera engage 
ment with the Stynes. Where did she get 
to know those people ? They have been long 
regarded as simply impossible. I understand 
that they are Episcopalians now, but that they 
formerly had " berger " at the end of their 
name, and but recently took to the " y." 
However, they are enormously rich, having 
made their money in my favorite breakfast- 
food, but it will take them a few years to 
get in. Mrs. Underbunk is entirely too good- 
natured. She says that they are interesting; 
but evidently her life abroad has blinded her. 
She thinks because they hobnobbed with roy 
alty they will be received here at once, and 
she does not realize that they must first serve 
a term at Southampton and Bar Harbor, and 
then have a season of snubbing at Newport. 
She even went so far as to ask me to do 
something for them to call, or drop in at 
their box at the opera. Of course I had 
to say that I would, but I had no idea that 
I should be called on so soon to make a 
public appearance with these climbers. How- 
284 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ever, it was my own fault. Her note decided 
me. I pleaded a headache to the Trimmings, 
and by nine o clock had sufficiently recovered 
to wander over to the opera-house. 

In social as well as military operations a 
reconnaissance is always wise. I dropped in , 
to speak to the Twitters first, and made a 
few observations. I must admit that to the 
eye the Styne box was everything that it 
should be. From the artistic point of view 
it was without a flaw, for with two lovely 
women like young Mrs. Morgan Styne and 
Mrs. Underbunk in the front, and such dis 
tinguished-looking men as Styne and Julius 
Hogginson Fairfield whispering over-shoul 
der to them, they were really conspicuous. In 
every way they seemed to have emphasized 
their good taste and their ignorance of the 
customs of our society. I saw an oasis. I 
saw a restful, quiet spot, surrounded by the 
glare of the desert of jewels. From them 
my eyes wandered around the horseshoe, wan 
dered along that diamond-fronted row, now 
and again pausing to rest on some familiar 
285 



MRS. RADIGAN 

figure where a pathetic effort had been made 
to secure with money what Nature had not 
given. I fear that Gladys Underbunk is 
warping my view of life. Why, I actually 
found myself admitting that young Mrs. 
Harry Garish, with her hair done in Merod- 
ish fashion and intertwined with pearls to 
the value of a king s ransom, was hopelessly 
plain. She poses as clever as well as smart, 
and so affects Cleopatra costumes. Her el 
bow almost touched Mrs. Underbunk s over 
the railing, and the comparison was such that 
I was simply astonished that for so many 
years I had been one of her train. Mrs. 
Garish was probably wondering where Gladys 
Underbunk had picked up such friends. She 
would faint when she saw me joining the 
party. But I was bold. 

Without even waiting for the curtain to 
go up and the lights down, I made my way 
between acts to the Styne box, and in the 
great red glare that beats upon the parterre 
was presented to the ambitious Morgan and 
his wife, shook hands effusively with Julius 
286 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Hogginson Fairfield, and sat down to whisper 
over the shoulders of Gladys Underbunk. 
It must have made a great stir. I could see 
a score of glasses turned on us; I could see 
great excitement among the Twitter clan over 
the way; I could see Horatio Gastly direct the 
gaze of old Mrs. Plumstone to the astound 
ing scene. Evelyn Garish gave me a mechan 
ical nod, and then tried to look at the gallery. 
It was quite amusing. And as for the Stynes, 
of course they were delighted and most cor 
dial, and I must say I was surprised to find 
them so decent. Morgan was dressed per 
fectly, even to his one shirt-stud, and his 
wife is simply stunning; but when I know 
them I shall advise her that even though she 
looks infinitely better without jewels, at the 
opera, at least, she should decorate herself 
if she wants to cut anything of a figure. 
Smart women make their money sparkle, as 
old Gastly remarked to me at the club. 
Mrs. Styne will probably be very smart after 
a few years. She has the means to do it, but 
she would hurry things a bit if she gave up 
287 



MRS. RADIGAN 

her ideas on good taste; if she either looked 
startling or did something startling. Both 
she and her husband, I found, spoke excellent 
English, as well as half a dozen other lan 
guages, and seemed to know all about music 
and art. Indeed, instead of being impos 
sible persons, as I had heard, they proved to 
b very much like other people; but, after 
all, it takes only a generation and a half 
to make gentlefolk in this town. The old 
families like the Mudisons and the Plum- 
stones, who have been prominent for a half- 
century, are likely to become very narrow. 
Still, as I remarked to Mrs. Underbunk, soci 
ety is made up of people who play, and to 
have time to play you have to have money. 
If you have only brains, you would probably 
rather kill time some other way. 

Mrs. Underbunk said that I contradicted 
myself, for I had remarked some time ago 
that if a man could not be smart he should 
be famous, to which I replied that a great 
astronomer was happy in his observatory be 
cause he had nothing else, and occasionally 
288 



MRS. RADIGAN 

discovered a new star and got a paragraph 
notice in the papers, while with an automo 
bile, and the money to run it properly and 
to subscribe to a clipping bureau, his vanity 
would be tickled daily with column-accounts 
of his breaking records, of his arrests for 
over-speeding, and his protests against the 
cruel laws. Yet, I argued on, smartness was 
an intangible virtue. It was not right to 
say that only by money could it be won, for 
there were in society a considerable number 
of persons who seemed to lack everything, 
even family, that most easily attained of all 
social virtues. There, for example, was Ho 
ratio Gastly, dancing attendance on old Mrs. 
Plumstone. He had only a few thousand 
a year, spent his days stretching ticker-tape, 
his late afternoons at the Cholmondeley Club, 
and his evenings in the smartest houses in 
town. He got into the Cholmondeley simply 
because nobody had ever heard of him. A 
counterpart in the fair sex was Sally Bilberry, 
who almost supported herself playing bridge. 
She had sailed in on the tail of the Plasters 
289 



MRS. RADIGAN 

kite. It seems that they owed her some 
thing, as old Mr. Plaster had at one time 
been her father s gardener, and as she is 
always ready to make a fourth and knows 
one or two awfully clever stories, she is quite 
a favorite. 

" Ah, Mr. Mudison," said Mrs. Under- 
bunk, " I fear you are a sad cynic." 

" Not a cynic," said I. " On the contrary, 
I am rising as a defender. Those who attack 
us most are those who have tried to get in 
and cannot." 

" The bee scorns the butterfly," said 
she. 

" Yet the butterfly s brain is as big as the 
bee s," said I, as quick as a flash. Sometimes 
I quite surprise myself. 

For a few moments Mrs. Underbunk was 
silent and seemed to be listening to the music 
or the whispering in the next box. Roardika 
was making a great hit in the scene in Isolde s 
garden, and for a time even I was content 
to listen silently. I have never been a devotee 
of Wagner, but I must admit that there are 
290 



MRS. RADIGAN 

spots in " Tristan " where the singing is 
music, and I can lean back and enjoy it, with 
eyes closed to shut out the absurd sight of the 
princess and her clandestine caller awakening 
with melody the forest in which her husband 
is hunting. Gladys Underbunk and I thor 
oughly agree. When Dumple began to make 
coins disappear in the air to an accompani 
ment of " michs " and " dichs " and " sichs," 
she turned to me and whispered, " Do you 
know, Mr. Mudison, I sometimes wonder 
why a man of your lovable nature has never 
married." 

" My bachelor vows have been strangely 
shaken of late," I whispered back. 

Thereupon she chastised my knee delicately 
with her fan. 

" Seriously? " she said. 

" Seriously," said I. " I have often 
thought of marriage, but, you know, I am 
one of those unfortunates who have been 
born to high place. In me you see the apothe 
osis of the Mudison ambition for centuries. 
My brothers all married for love, and have 
291 



MRS. RADIGAN 

been forgotten. To me it was left to uphold 
the family name, and to do it I have an 
income sufficient to pay for my apartment in 
town and my visits to my friends at Newport ; 
to allow me a few luxuries like a horse or 
two and a car. But I have to economize. 
Suppose I married? I see the decline of the 
Mudisons. I see my fortune divided, say 
into three, and my children compelled by 
our straitened circumstances to move in the 
dancing-class set, their children going to the 
upper West Side, and our name plastered 
beneath the speaking-tubes of the Ophelia and 
the Clarissa. We owe something to posterity, 
so I had vowed that I should be the last of 
the Mudisons." 

By this time, King Mark, aroused by the 
singing, had reached the garden, and Sir 
Melot had mortally wounded Tristan between 
the right side and the arm. The curtain 
was down. The house was in ecstasies, and 
Roardika and Dumple were seesawing to 
and fro across the stage, showing their teeth 
in thanks. 

292 



MRS. RADIGAN 

You notice that I said I had vowed," I 
whispered to Mrs. Underbunk. 

" Ah," she cried, " fortunate Miss Twit 
ter ! " It is very clever the way women have 
of seeming to try to sidetrack you when they 
want you to keep on the main line. 

But I am an old campaigner myself. The 
trout is never so beautiful as when he is run 
ning away from the hook. You flatter me," 
said I. " Miss Twitter may be fortunate, but 
I know that at present I am the most forlorn 
of mortals. Don t you notice how interested 
she seems in Winthrop Jumpkin? " 

Mrs. Underbunk raised her glasses and in 
spected Constance eagerly. 

" She has a little color to-night," she said. 

" That is one of her charms," said I, refus 
ing her proffered glasses. " It does enhance 
her beauty. Ordinarily, you know, she is 
rather of the marble-statuesque style." 

" A style men admire very much when 
it s fixed on a gold pedestal," said Mrs. Un 
derbunk. She had recovered her temper, and 
was smiling. 

293 



MRS. RADIGAN 

My heart was beating outrageously fast, 
and for my own preservation I had about de 
termined not to punish her further. 

" I said that I had vowed," I began. But 
she suddenly became interested in her glasses. 

" Who are those people in the third box 
from that absurd-looking person in red with 
a diamond coronet in her hair? " she said. 
" Everybody is staring at them. You see the 
sad-looking little man sitting beside a very 
tall, thin girl? That other, I suppose, is her 
mother looks like the old woman who went 
to market, only her gown has been snipped 
off from the top." 

" It s Mrs. Very," I answered, a bit nettled 
that Mrs. Underbunk had become interested 
in others ; but women are generally more than 
a match for us. The little man is the Earl 
of Less the Verys have just bought him. 
But I said I had vowed 

She was most exasperating. Of course I 

knew that she was only playing a game, but 

it angered me to be wasting these precious 

minutes between the acts telling her who 

294 



MRS. RADIGAN 

everybody was. By and by, however, she did 
dismount from her high horse, and inquired 
sweetly, " You said you had once vowed? " 

Then that Julius Hogginson Fairfield had 
to switch from Mrs. Styne to our side, and 
break in with a lot of nonsense about motifs, 
timbre, and orchestration, none of which was 
of the slightest interest. Mrs. Underbunk 
did manage to get rid of him by sending him 
over to tell Constance Twitter that she would 
take luncheon with her to-day, but from bad, 
things went to worse, and Horatio Gastly 
came bobbing in, with Winthrop Jumpkin, 
7th, at his heels. I seemed to have taken 
down the yellow flag that had fluttered so 
long above the Styne box. The intruders, in 
the confusion following their entrance, secured 
the chairs by Mrs. Underbunk, and left me 
talking to Mrs. Styne, who started in to make 
me commit myself to spend a week-end with 
them at Westbury. By the time I had filled 
my Sundays for a month with previous en 
gagements I found myself getting rather en 
tangled, and deemed it wise to abandon the 
295 



MRS. RADIGAN 

field to Gastly and Jumpkin. I have heard 
Tristan die so often that there was no induce 
ment to stay longer. But Gladys Underbunk 
smiled as I made my flight, and whispered 
that she was terribly jealous of Constance 
Twitter. 

From the opera I went to the Flusters 
small dance. 

Mr. Mudison s papers for some days after 
this are taken up almost entirely with denun 
ciations of Winthrop Jumpkin, 7th, whom 
he considers he has made, only to have him 
turn, hire a car, and take Mrs. Underbunk 
for a spin to Exudo. This treachery Mr. 
Mudison discovered while on one of his own 
wild rides, and for a week he abjured the 
world and kept to his club sanctuary. A 
long-standing promise to lead the cotillon at 
Mrs. Jack Twitter s small dance for her 
youngest daughter, Susanna, compelled him 
to give up a monastic life, and it is with this 
important event that the next part of his 
edited memoirs has to do. 
296 



CHAPTER XXIX 

Mr. Mudison Leads the Cotillon 
at the Twitters 

I AM feeling worn out to-day utterly 
exhausted and am registering all kinds of 
vows that I shall never lead another cotillon 
that is, after I keep my promises to Mrs. 
Timpleton Duff, Jimmy Doily, and one or 
two others. I thought last night that the 
Twitters small dance would be the end of 
me. In one of those solemn moments when 
death seemed very near, when, in an effort 
to arrange a new figure, I was being trampled 
on, and elbowed and hurled to and fro in the 
maelstrom, there flashed to my mind the sim 
ple epitaph I would have on my tombstone: 
" He died for Society." But I survived. 
What a seasoned veteran of these social en 
gagements I have become! Teas, dinners, 
operas, and dances I seem to move through 
them bearing a charmed life. I am a bit 
297 



MRS. RADIGAN 

like Achilles or Ulysses, that old Trojan hero, 
whoever he was, whose heel was his only vul 
nerable spot, a fact which seems to have be 
come known among the younger set, for that 
was the target at which they all aimed. I 
did not mind an elbow or two in the eye; I 
did not mind a blow over the nose with a 
parasol-favor; I did not mind when Winthrop 
Jumpkin, yth, who was trying to dance the 
Boston, struck me violently in the small of 
the back with Sally Bilberry; but when 
Mrs. John Radigan, who hops dreadfully, 
landed her two hundred pounds on my 
heel in some indescribable fashion, every 
thing seemed to swim before my eyes, and 
for a minute I had difficulty in retaining my 
expression. Of course there is some balm in 
seeing in to-day s paper, the one that prints 
all the news that is worth reading, that Mr. 
Mudison led a delightful cotillon, dancing 
with Miss Susanna Twitter, a statement 
which I believe emanated from Mrs. Twit 
ter s secretary, and was given out for publi 
cation quite early in the afternoon. But, then, 
298 



MRS. RADIGAN 

all cotillons are delightful; all dinners de 
lightful; everything that we do is delightful. 
It is best to be optimistic. It is best to rave 
over this boresome round of festivity when 
it is one s life. 

Curious how Gladys Underbunk has 
warped my line of vision ! More than once 
last night I paused to step apart from the 
scene, to view it from afar off, to think. It 
is a good thing to think sometimes. When 
you do, you will be surprised at the ideas that 
will come into your head. I don t believe I 
had ever really thought at a dance before, so 
never before had there come to me even a 
suggestion of an element of absurdity. It 
was not the people who were there that sug 
gested it, but the people who were not, and 
would have given a year of their lives to 
be of that blessed company the Morgan 
Stynes, who had moved Wall Street to get a 
card and had failed; the Lanigans, who had 
succeeded and were now whirling around an 
over-heated room, being bumped and jostled 
and trampled on, yet deemed themselves 
299 



MRS. RADIGAN 

happy. Still, I suppose it is well to be seen 
at these very smart affairs. They are life to 
so many that to be absent is a sign of a social 
decline, which, unless checked by a few invi 
tations, will lead to that graveyard of so 
many hopes the page of the Sunday papers 
that tells what the clubwomen are doing. 

Mrs. Twitter s dance was certainly very 
smart. She gives two every year, and last 
night s was the first, the one to which she in 
vites the people she knows. To the next she 
will ask her list. So last night there were 
about four hundred present. At the next I 
suspect there will be just about that many 
absent, including myself. I fear the house 
will burst, and I have no mind to run risks, 
and am more than satisfied that to Williegilt 
Bumpschus will fall the task of bringing a 
cotillon out of chaos. 

What a lot of fuss it takes, anyway, to in 
troduce a plain daughter with millions ! Still, 
I suppose the same is true everywhere and of 
all classes, for as ice-cream and angel-cake 
are to the Brooklynite, so are terrapin and 
300 



MRS. RADIGAN 

champagne to our set. It is no more waste 
ful extravagance for the Twitters to spend 
ten thousand in one night than for some as 
piring Harlemite to spread crash over the 
parlor floor and ruin the stair-carpet with 
lemonade. That is exactly the way I put it 
to my rector at the club the other day when 
he was inclined to complain of the difficulty 
in getting subscriptions for new altar-cloths. 
I don t suppose that he was at all influenced 
by my argument, but I noticed him last night 
paying devoted attention to Constance Twit 
ter, which caused me to suspect that he might 
be contemplating giving up bachelor life and 
becoming a benefice I think that is the term. 
It would really be a very sensible match, for 
Constance is intellectual, and could help him 
with his little sermons on the travels of St. 
Paul and the needs of the women s guild, and 
the rest of us might not have such continual 
calls to supply new apparatus for the gym 
nasium. She is interested in him too. I 
could see that at once. A collar buttoned be 
hind has a wonderful fascination for women. 
301 



MRS. RADIGAN 

I do not think that Susanna Twitter would 
make so good a clergyman s wife as her sis 
ter, as she is rather more attractive and 
might do better. Constance is one of those 
girls of whom her friends will say " she 
is lovely when you get to know her." 
More than that can be claimed for Susanna. 
It would even be unjust to class her as 
good-hearted. She has neither face nor fig 
ure, but is just a great big hobble-de-hoy, can 
play a man s game of tennis, and is study 
ing jiu jitsu. In a few years she will have a 
double chin and a beam. I like her immense 
ly, though I do wish she would not dance as 
though she were patting down a tennis-court 
with her feet. 

It is very delightful to read in the paper 
this morning that Mr. Mudison led, dancing 
with the beautiful debutante. I suppose at 
this very moment thousands of unfortunates 
who were not there are studying the col 
umns and columns that tell about it, and pict 
uring Mr. Mudison gliding airily about a 
brilliant ballroom, in his arms clasping a slen- 
302 



MRS. RADIGAN 

der fair-haired girl, with Grecian features 
and a marvellous complexion; Mr. Mudison, 
delicately holding the tips of her slender fin 
gers, leading her gracefully through the in 
tricate mazes of some figure; Mr. Mudison, 
followed by flunkeys bearing gifts, priceless 
gifts of paper parasols and pin-wheels; the 
music stilled at his beck; at his call the 
dreamy strains again filling the room. A de 
lightful picture ! 

I do like Susanna Twitter immensely, but 
the rare times I danced with her I entirely 
lost control, thanks to her having always been 
accustomed to leading at boarding-schools, 
and I felt as though I were clinging to a fly 
wheel. It was on one of these mad careers 
that Winthrop Jumpkin, dancing the Boston 
in a corner, hurled Sally Bilberry violently 
against me, and a moment later Evelyn Gar- 
ish s partner poked his elbow in my eye. Su 
sanna said that she could go on forever, and I 
think she would have, for I do waltz well, but 
luckily Horatio Gastly stepped on her bit of 
flying train, and before we could overcome 

303 



MRS. RADIGAN 

our momentum she had unravelled down 
one side of the room. We had to retrace 
her gown, a dangerous task, as a dozen 
nimble feet had caught it up, and seemed 
to resent my wild efforts to disentangle 
them. 

The cotillon as a means of allowing the 
greatest possible number of persons to dance 
in the least possible space is a failure. If we 
could only have a few policemen to keep the 
stags in their proper place, besides the detec 
tives who see that no suspicious persons get 
in as guests; if we could have laws making it 
petty larceny to " steal," and a misdemeanor 
to dance at a speed exceeding ten miles an 
hour, then our germans might partake some 
what of the stately measure of the olden time. 
Now we leaders are proud if we can preserve 
a semblance of order, for, instead of conduct 
ing a chosen few through some graceful 
manoeuvres, our chief duty is to shoo the in 
vading hosts back to their chairs; to dance 
with the lovely debutante, and manage a 
penny bazaar. Still, everyone said that I did 
304 



MRS. RADIGAN 

very well, considering the crush, and they 
particularly praised the new figure which I 
got up out of my own head. [We find here 
in Mr. Mudison s rough draught a diagram 
which looks like a map of Port Arthur dur 
ing the siege, but it is not necessary to repro 
duce it, as he makes his terpsichorean inven 
tion clear.] Forming the girls in the outer 
circle and the men in the inner, standing in 
the middle myself, I made the two wheels 
revolve rapidly in opposite directions, the 
men going backward. The result was sim 
ply kaleidoscopic; dazzling, the on-lookers 
said, and not without a humorous side, for 
there were several collisions, in one of which 
the Earl of Less had his monocle broken. 
In the general shuffle-up of partners, due to 
dizziness, there fell to me one of the most 
charming girls I have met this winter, Wis 
teria Plumstone, who is just out, and so has 
lost none of her good looks. I must confess 
the older I get the more I like debutantes. 
They appreciate it thoroughly when I dance 
with them. Wisteria smiled all over when 

305 



MRS. RADIGAN 

she saw young Cackling hunting for her at 
the other end of the room, and me approach 
ing her with wide-spread arms. She clung to 
me as if for protection, and, contrary to my 
usual rule to go only once around the room 
with them, I circled it four times. A sensible 
child too; she did not try to talk further than 
to venture that the floor was too slippery, and 
that she was having a lovely dance. Now, 
most girls of her age in their efforts to say 
something, drive you mad with their disjointed 
comments on the music and the people, and 
when they have learned to keep up a contin 
ual chatter it is no small mental strain to hold 
your mind on their line of thought, so as to 
chime in occasionally with something that 
would indicate that you have been listening. 
However, when I was younger I used to 
think that talking with these mere infants 
about the music and the people, the last dance 
and the one to come, about that girl in pink 
and the other in blue I used to think that 
of such stuff a divine time was made. The 
pretty debutante, fresh, unsophisticated, self- 
306 



MRS. RADIGAN 

conscious, is a delight to the eye of us old 
social adventurers, but our minds demand 
something more. When I would dance with 
Wisteria Plumstone I would take Gladys 
Underbunk in to supper. 

But Mrs. Underbunk dances too superb 
ly. I found her in an exhausted condition 
on her chair, with Horatio Gastly trying to 
fan her back to life, and when she had recov 
ered her breath and speech, she explained that 
she had been dancing with the Earl of Less, 
who had kept her revolving so rapidly in one 
direction that she had almost lost conscious 
ness. Dancing with Englishmen, she said, 
always gave her exactly the same sensation as 
drowning, but never before had she come so 
near the bottom. She had been about to go 
down for the third time when Mr. Gastly 
thoughtfully bumped into Lord Less, throw 
ing him all out of step with the music, and 
giving her an opportunity to grasp a chair for 
support and save herself. Horatio, of course, 
was claiming his reward, but the delightful 
woman told him that she had promised it to 
307 



MRS. RADIGAN 

me, so as we glided around together, she 
every now and then giving me one of those 
maddening glances out of the corner of her 
eye, I had an opportunity to tell her how 
cut up I was when I went down with my car 
to take her a spin last week and found that 
Jumpkin had whirled her away in that 
dreadful old loco-sewing-machine. She did 
not say a word, but looked down at her 
whirling feet, which was wonderfully en 
couraging. 

At supper I continued on this line, becom 
ing thoughtless and reckless, as men will some 
times, and, positively, I think I should have 
made a fool of myself before the bird was 
served if Evelyn Garish had not burst in and 
asked Gladys where in the world she met 
those dreadful Styne people, in whose box 
she had been at the opera the other night. 
Mrs. Underbunk replied very quietly that 
she had just run across them at a house-party 
at the Duke of Guile s place in Devonshire, 
last winter. For a moment Mrs. Garish did 
not seem to have any breath left, and made 
308 



MRS. RADIGAN 

dough-balls convulsively. Then she said 
sharply that it was high time the English 
realized that there were social distinctions in 
this country, instead of treating those with 
one generation of American gentlemen be 
hind them with the same consideration as 
those who had two or three. Mrs. Under- 
bunk said simply that the Stynes were very 
rich. She has a way of getting right at the 
heart of everything. But that did not satisfy 
Evelyn. To get in, something more than 
mere money should be required, said she, for 
getting entirely that the Garishes had been 
generally snubbed until the old man worked 
the corner in Western Pacific. I supported 
Mrs. Underbunk nobly, and declared that I 
had found the Stynes quite like other people, 
and would certainly go to the dance they are 
to give soon at Flurry s. This made Mrs. 
Garish lose her temper, and she turned ab 
ruptly and began to ask Jack Twitter if he 
had an ace, queen, and seven-spot, which 
would he lead. 

Gladys Underbunk gave me one of her 

39 



MRS. RADIGAN 

grateful glances. She said that she would go 
out in the car with me Saturday if I would 
promise to talk sense. So I promised. 

As we read Mr. Mudison s fragmentary 
diary for some weeks we see how evidently 
the old campaigner is being enmeshed by the 
simple little Mrs. Underbunk. He frankly ad 
mits that he is in love, but he has been in love 
a hundred times before. He frankly admits 
that never before has his heart been so deeply 
affected. Curiously, he makes no mention of 
Mrs. Radigan. He is happy in his unhappi- 
ness. He is not dreaming of matrimony. It 
is evident that he has given it no thought, as 
he regards it out of the question for a man of 
his small income and many clubs. He does 
not want to win Mrs. Underbunk, for several 
times when the things she says make it cleear 
that he has only to ask, we find him hur 
riedly turning the conversation to more seri 
ous matters; we see him abandoning her for 
days while he whirls madly around the coun 
try in his car, or sits for hours at the Ping- 
310 



MRS. RADIGAN 

pong Club gazing despairingly into the depths 
of his Scotch. 

Mr. Mudison s conduct reminds one of the 
practice manoeuvres in the army, where one 
division is pitted against another, each striv 
ing to win a technical victory. He seeks by 
a series of masterly advances to surround the 
charming Mrs. Underbunk, and to have her 
declared his captive in theory. Then he 
would beat a hasty retreat. Poor Mudison ! 
There is something in his reference to her 
grateful glances, her quiet smiles, her caustic 
retorts, that convinces us that the warfare 
is real, and that it is he who is being en 
meshed. The story unconsciously unfolded 
by him is the same old one of love, and not 
worth consideration where there is so much 
that is valuable, giving, as it does, a picture of 
this well-known man and his time. 

Mr. Mudison repeats himself a great deal. 
We find very much the same reflections con 
cerning Mrs. Radigan s small dance and Mrs. 
Duff s ball at Flurry s as are scattered through 
his notes on the affair at the Twitters . So 



MRS. RADIGAN 

these are omitted from his edited papers to 
allow fuller space for his account of his after 
noon at the races with Mrs. Underbunk and 
several other smart people. 



312 




" HORSE-RACING is undoubtedly the sport 
of kings," I observed to Mrs. Underbunk, as 
we sat on the club-house balcony at Morris 
Park, yesterday. 

" Undoubtedly," she said sweetly. " But 
kings, you know, are a pretty bad lot." 

Of course she did not really mean it, but 
she has a way of railing at things just to be 
clever, yet it struck me that there might pos 
sibly be some underlying sense in her remark. 
It was rather unfair of her, however, as she 
had just cashed in on Morgan Styne s Sassa 
fras at 10 to i. When I suggested that she 
was a bit inconsistent, she retorted that she 
had only a woman s passion for gambling. 

" Last year I went to Nice for Lent, think 
ing it would be quiet down there," she said. 

3*3 



MRS. RADIO AN 

" As a result I lost six months allowance at 
Monte Carlo." 

" You are safe here," said I laughing. 
" There are no wheels running in New York. 
We do not allow gambling in this State." 

She opened her blue eyes so wide that to 
escape their baneful influence I ran away to 
the ring, ostensibly to put up a hundred for 
her at 7 to i on the Garish stable s Umbrella. 

Now horse-racing may be the sport of 
kings, but I maintain that it is still very 
respectable, and I have no sympathy with 
the bigots who are constantly attacking the 
tracks. These tracks are owned and sup 
ported by our very best people, and it is quite 
the smartest thing you can do to run a stable. 
Take, for instance, our little party yesterday 
the Morgan Stynes, Evelyn Garish with 
Harry, the Plumstones, and Timpleton Duff 
all with horses running, besides dozens of 
others we know. Would they support any 
thing that was not eminently proper? The 
charge is made that it is gambling. Harry 
Garish or Timpey Duff would no more have 
314 



MRS. RADIGAN 

their names connected with the ownership of 
a gambling-establishment than they would 
die, but they support racing because it is a 
noble sport; it takes people out-of-doors, out 
in the fresh air and sunshine, among the green 
lawns and trees; and is there anything more 
exciting, more exhilarating, than to see the 
thorough-breds struggling for the mastery, 
when you stand to win or lose a few thou 
sands? Fortunate, indeed, is the public to 
have such men as Garish and Duff working in 
the interest of clean sport, and putting it on 
a thoroughly business-like and paying basis, 
men whose fathers names were symbols of 
integrity in the business world, whose own 
names head the subscription lists of every 
charity in the city. As I told Mrs. Under- 
bunk, Garish is the moving spirit in the Anti- 
pool-room League, and has done a great deal 
for the community in ridding it of those 
gambling-holes, which are so demoralizing to 
the wage-earners. She immediately inquired 
whether the thousands of men and women 
we saw all about us consulting their informa- 

315 



MRS. RADIGAN 

tion sheets were not wage-earners, thinking 
of course that she had me cornered, but I 
was able to reply like a flash that they were 
not most of them got their money in other 
ways. 

Womanlike, she was not satisfied, but went 
on to inquire if Garish had tried to root out 
gambling at the tracks. 

An absurd question! But patiently, as 
simply as I could, I explained to her that 
while a few persons might watch horses race 
just to see which was the fastest, the great 
majority of the public demanded the ad 
ditional interest given by an opportunity to 
make ten dollars by risking one. It cost a 
great deal to support the tracks and stables, 
and no company of philanthropists living 
would dare to go into such a venture with 
out being sure of enough gate-receipts to pay 
expenses, and twenty per cent, on the money 
invested. The betting-ring was, therefore, a 
necessity if we were to have the glorious sport 
at all. 

Mrs. Underbunk was only about half satis- 



MRS. RADIGAN 

fied, but she is a very strict little soul in her 
theories, and I saw that it was useless to 
argue with her. That she had come at all 
was a surprise to me, but Evelyn Garish asked 
her up to their Westchester house to spend a 
few days, and help her with the bazaar they 
are to have at Lazydays, to secure money for 
the work of St. Simon s parish. She sug 
gested that we all meet at the track yesterday, 
as her filly Umbrella was to run in the May 
Handicap and would be a sure thing at long 
odds, so I agreed to take Gladys up in my 
car. We were to have had luncheon at the 
club-house with the Garishes and their party, 
which included the Stynes, the Duffs, and the 
Plumstones, but as luck would have it a 
policeman held me up for over-speeding on 
Seventh Avenue, and took us to the police- 
station. What a nuisance those fellows are I 
He said we were running at twenty-five 
miles an hour, though my chauffeur and I 
both swore that our machine could not do 
better than eight, under any circumstances. 
Fortunately, the police-court was still in 
3 1 ? 



MRS. RADIGAN 

session nearby, and I was able to get away 
after giving cash bail to appear next Wednes 
day. The judge was a very decent fellow and 
apologized for holding me. He said it was 
the law, to which I retorted emphatically that 
the law should be changed, as I was getting 
thoroughly tired of being arrested every time 
I took out my car. For fear of another inter 
ruption by the police I had to proceed very 
slowly, and after we reached the track 
we had hardly more than enough time to 
swallow a bite of luncheon before the call 
for the first race. 

There was quite a gathering of the clans, 
and I must say it was very jolly to see every 
body again, fresh and rested after their 
Lenten seclusion. Long Island and West- 
chester seemed to have emptied themselves 
into the club-house. Jack Twitters was there 
with his two daughters, and Julius Hoggin- 
son Fairfield in close attendance on Constance. 
Charley Bullington, who was in on the recent 
bulge in Potash common, brought up the 
Verys and Lord Less on his new coach, and 



MRS. RADIGAN 

made a mess of it, after he passed the gates, 
as his leaders got beyond his control, when 
Winthrop Jumpkin, yth, came up behind in 
that infernal car he hires. It sounds like a roll 
ing-mill in busy times. The Earl of Less 
jumped and landed in a bush, scratching him 
self severely, though he would have been per 
fectly safe on top as a half-dozen policemen 
and a couple of grooms were hanging to the 
fractious pair. Then there were the Plum- 
stones, Gastly, with some men from the 
Cholmondeley Club, and a number of the pro 
fessional horsey set who seem to stable them 
selves somewhere for the winter, and come 
forth in the spring with red faces and waist 
coats. 

Gladys Underbunk is a thorough-going 
sport in a quiet way, for when Morgan Styne 
had tipped me on his Sassafras and I had 
told her what a good thing it was, she got 
a small roll out of the recesses of her auto 
mobile-coat, and asked me to put up twenty- 
five for her to win. As Sassafras was under 
stood to be a cripple, and the tipsters had 

319 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Uncle Bill as a sure thing, I got 10 to I on 
the Styne colt, and he won in a romp. It 
was a splendid race. This was sport at its 
best, as I pointed out to Gladys. The air, 
clear and soft; the sunshine glimmering over 
the rolling greensward; the gay, happy thou 
sands keyed to the highest pitch of excite 
ment, while the clean-limbed horses, the 
brightly clad boys crouching tight in the 
saddles, struggled nose-and-nose for the mas 
tery, then flashed under the wire with the 
gallant little Sassafras full two lengths in the 
lead this was glorious. Mrs. Underbunk 
asked why there was not more enthusiasm 
over the winner, and I, of course, had to ex 
plain that Uncle Bill at 2 to i carried the 
money of the crowd, and as he had broken 
down at the entrance to the stretch, there was 
naturally some disappointment among the 
masses. Simple creature ! When I handed 
her a roll of $275 she was loath to take it, 
said that it seemed wrong to make money so 
easily, and wanted to know whose it was. 
When she heard that it came from the bookies 
320 



MRS. RADIGAN 

she was concerned lest they could not afford it, 
but I explained that they had got it from the 
crowd who had mostly backed Uncle Bill. 
Then she wanted to know if I knew of any 
other good things. 

Julius Hogginson Fairfield came strutting 
up, all smiles, and told us in an off-hand way 
that he had put up five hundred on Sassafras, 
making quite a killing. It sounded very well, 
only I had happened to be right in line 
behind him when he placed a ten-dollar bill 
on the Styne colt. But people do like to give 
the impression of being real sports. I was 
tempted to remark that men who had to 
depend on their brains for a living, like 
writers, had no business risking even ten on 
the result of a race, but I decided to leave him 
happy in the profound impression he had cre 
ated as a wise one. Though we did not ask 
him, he followed us down to the paddock 
with Evelyn Garish when we went to look 
over their Umbrella, and he declared posi 
tively that he was going to bet his imaginary 
five thousand straight and place on the black 
321 



MRS. RADIGAN 

filly. But when I heard that Pebble, the 
darky, was to be up in place of Tomlinson, 
the boy who rides regularly for the Garish 
stable but was under suspension, I got my 
friend Cantle, the trainer, behind a tree and 
consulted him. Evelyn Garish said she 
would never forgive herself if we did not 
back Umbrella, for she believed it was like 
finding money, and I had to assure her that 
I would, but when Mrs. Underbunk handed 
me $100 I whispered to her for permis 
sion to use my own judgment. It came so 
straight from that trainer that 4 to i on 
Doctor B. to win seemed too good a thing 
to miss. In all my life I have never seen 
such a poor race. Doctor B., undoubtedly 
the best of the lot, was practically left at 
the post, thanks to the starter, and the Garish 
filly led all the way and finished in a walk. 
Mrs. Underbunk was so wildly excited over 
the result that she forgot all about there ever 
having been any other horse in the race at 
all, and I just had not the courage to en 
lighten her. So when she told me to hurry 
322 



MRS. RADIGAN 

down to those dear bookies and get her 
money, I returned to a quiet spot and found 
solace in a Scotch and soda. Then I counted 
eight hundred out of my own pocket and 
went back to the balcony and paid up, and 
effusively thanked Mrs. Garish for having 
let me know about Umbrella. It was pretty 
hard to have to look pleased to death, after 
Doctor B. had taken a large part of my 
money, in addition to my settling with 
Gladys. Then to make matters worse, that 
infernal Fairfield had to come bowling up 
and intimate that he had hit the ring for close 
to twenty thousand, though I had seen him 
pass a small roll of tens into the hands of 
the shirt-sleeved gentleman who takes in the 
money for J. Cohen. 

Still Mrs. Underbunk s gratitude was 
worth paying for. She had got thoroughly 
into the spirit of the sport, and wanted to 
know if I had any more good things. I asked 
her playfully if she did not think betting was 
wrong. 

" It is delightfully wrong," said she seri- 
323 



MRS. RADIGAN 

ously. " But I understand those book-makers 
are a horrid lot of men, and why shouldn t 
I take their money? " 

So she made a sentimental bet on Harry 
Garish to win the steeple-chase at two miles 
and a half, on Fencerail, heavily weighted. 
Garish did not seem to have a ghost of a 
chance on his ancient jumper, and was quoted 
at times as long as 20 to i. I got her 15 to i 
for a hundred, but was wise myself. I always 
was afraid of steeple-chases, particularly with 
gentlemen riders up. Fencerail was never in 
the running till the last two jumps, one of 
which Blue Fox, the favorite, refused abso 
lutely, while the second sent Tommy Tattler 
off his Rockaway into the water. It was a 
positive sin the way Fencerail came home 
lengths in front of the surviving bunch. 

By this time I inwardly vowed that I 
should follow Mrs. Underbunk, and at least 
quit the game even. Gastly came up and 
said that he liked Primrose in the fourth, and 
she declared sweetly that she would back 
anything Mr. Gastly likec]. So I proceeded 
324 



MRS. RADIGAN 

to send my money along with hers, and Prim 
rose came down the stretch when the bugle 
was calling, the fifth to the post. Gastly was 
not seen about the club-house again. With 
a like result in the last two with horses chosen 
for their pretty names, I had not enough 
money left to give cash bail, so the run over 
to Lazydays was made at a very sedate speed. 
However, I did not mind going slowly. The 
Garishes in their brake, with the Stynes, Cecil 
Hash, and Sally Bilberry passed us on the 
road, and when I explained that the machine 
was out of order, they wanted Gladys Un- 
derbunk to go on with them. Delightful 
woman ! She refused. She was in the high 
est of spirits with a couple of thousand in 
winnings tucked away in her automobile-coat, 
and I was quite consoled for my own losses. 
When I railed at her for the sudden change 
in her views on betting, she replied that she 
thought racing was fairer than roulette, be 
cause you could get inside information, like 
our tip on Umbrella. 

Luck changed a bit last night. I won quite 
325 



MRS. RADIGAN 

a little at bridge from Cecil Hash and Evelyn 
Garish. This morning I am feeling brighter, 
but I am staying in my room, as the rector at 
St. Simon s always bores me to death. This 
afternoon I am to try a little golf, though I 
have not played it in years. I feel that I 
need some violent exercise. 

Mr. Mudison married Mrs. Underbunk at 
St. Simon s in June. The wedding was a quiet 
one, but so important, because of the char 
acter of the contracting parties, that full de 
tails of it were given at the time in the news 
paper accounts. The ceremony was the 
simplest possible, there being no bridesmaids, 
though the bride had as pages her two small 
sons, Devereux and Maltravers Underbunk. 
Mr. Gastly was best man, and there was a 
small breakfast later at Mrs. Garish s country 
house. Many pages of Mr. Mudison s manu 
scripts are devoted to the days preceding this 
important event in his life, but when it is 
considered that after all he chronicles only 
an every-day romance, that he is telling again 
326 



MRS. RADIGAN 

the story that has been told thousands and 
thousands of times before, it is readily under 
stood why this part of his memoirs is not 
deemed of great value. Of far more interest 
it is to see him settled down happily with his 
wife and step-children in a modest house; and 
it is with this epoch that the next part of his 
edited papers has to do. But to some persons 
there may be a tragedy in this line in the recent 
Social Register: Mudison, Mr. & Mrs. Madi 
son (Gladys Tinkle Underbunk), C., H. 
90 Lexington Avenue. 



3 2 7 



CHAPTER XXXI 

Mr. Mudison is Uncomfortable 
but Happy 

CURIOUS ! If anybody had told me a year 
ago that to-day I should be living at Lexing 
ton Avenue and Seventy-ninth Street, I would 
have laughed at them. Now I am laughing 
at myself, for while I am terribly uncom 
fortable all the time or ought to be so 
I am ridiculously happy. Gladys says things 
will look up with us financially after a while, 
as she has a rich old aunt somewhere, and we 
may be able to move west a block or two. 
But I don t indulge much in dreams. I try 
to take things as they come, and find solace 
in the fact that the only time in my life that 
I was ever stirred by ambition I lost a quarter 
of my capital. Yet I can hardly call it am 
bition, but rather necessity, for, confronted 
with the problem of supporting my suddenly 
328 



MRS. RADIGAN 

acquired family, I bought stocks heavily on 
a rising market, with the inevitable result; 
so now we have only $15,000 a year. Of 
course Joshua pays ten thousand annually for 
the children s board, but Gladys has nobly 
refused her allowance from him. 

There must be lots of people who get along 
on less than we do; but if they are anybody, 
it requires scrimping. Surely, I had to give 
up enough. Gastly has my car, as he sold 
stocks on the bulge; Duff has my saddle- 
horses, and Jangle has been turned into a 
general man about the house a combination 
butler, footman, and furnace-tender. Doing 
without Jangle is not so hard, as I have to 
economize on clothes, and they are learning 
to take care of themselves, but I do feel the 
need of more clubs than the Cholmondeley, 
alone. Of course no man could live without 
the Cholmondeley. When I walk by the 
Ticktock and the Ping-pong, all those favor 
ite old haunts of mine, I think of Enoch 
Arden or Rip Van Winkle, whoever the fel 
low was that stayed away from home so long. 
329 



MRS. RADIGAN 

When I see the men in the windows looking 
bored, how I long to join them ! 

Belonging to one club is like having a port 
to clear from, but no destination. There is 
little pleasure in strolling down the avenue 
when there is no place for you to drop in, 
so I have been keeping close to home, though 
my reading had given me the idea that it was 
the last place anyone would want to be. Yet 
it is quite endurable. I suppose this is be 
cause Mrs. Mudison understands me so well. 
There are discomforts. I have to take break 
fast much earlier, but you don t really mind 
getting up at nine o clock when you have not 
been out late the night before. There are 
long hours when there is nothing to do, hours 
when in the old days I could ride, but which 
now must be filled in with pictorial papers. 
I do miss that daily canter, but Gladys had 
to have a pair for her brougham, so I take my 
exercise by walking in the park with the chil 
dren. Rather amusing they are too. 

The other morning I was watching Dev- 
ereux and Maltravers racing around on the 
330 



MRS. RADIGAN 

grass, when along the bridle-path came Cecil 
Hash on his smart piebald pony. Pulling up 
in front of me he shouted, " Lord! Mudison, 
you are not going to throw yourself in the 
reservoir? " 

Really, I was feeling very cheerful, but 
my meditative attitude misled him. 

" I am just taking the children for a walk," 
said I, pointing to the small pair. 

Cecil kind of stared at the boys. His 
expression nettled me. 

" They are Mrs. Mudison s," said I, rather 
sharply. " Perhaps you remember that she 
was Mrs. Joshua Underbunk." 

" Oh, yes," cried Hash, his face clearing, 
" I do remember, now. Come to think of it, 
I ran across Underbunk in the Ticktock Club, 
just yesterday." 

Up ran that confounded little Maltravers 
and shouted, " Come along, dad." 

Now I do not object to that appellation in 
the privacy of our home, for the lad is very 
fond of me, but I do wish he would not be so 
demonstrative in public. Still, it is simply 

331 



MRS. RADIGAN 

extra pay for the amusement I have had tak 
ing him on tours of exploration through the 
toy-stores. It is well for Cecil Hash that he 
never saw me in a toy-store, judging from the 
effect of our present meeting, for he had to 
push his crop down his throat to save himself 
from choking to death. I wanted to wipe 
up the bridle-path with him, but controlled 
myself, and said, in a dignified way, u Come 
along, children." 

As I began to move away, with one in each 
hand, Cecil asked me to join him at the Ping- 
pong Club at three, for billiards. It was hard 
to have to own up that I had resigned, but 
there was nothing else to do. He was aston 
ished, tremendously astonished, but was too 
well-bred to show it other than by staring at 
me with wide-open eyes. 

"Well?" said I. 

That aroused him. " We ll miss you, old 
man; miss you terribly," said he, as if he 
meant it. " Thank Heaven, we can still meet 
at the Cholmondeley and cut each other s 
throats at bridge." 

332 



MRS. RADIGAN 

He quite touched me. We can meet," 
said I, " but not at bridge, unless you care to 
play a penny a point. I only play for a penny 
a point now." 

Even the pony jumped, but I suppose 
that was because his rider gave such a long 
whistle. 

" Mudison," said Cecil, " you don t mean 
to tell me that you have stopped playing for 
money? " 

" Yes, Cecil," I answered frankly. You 
must remember that to only a few people in 
this world is it given to be happy and also 
have pleasure." 

With that I marched away. I heard the 
wild clatter of the pony s hoofs as he galloped 
off, so I turned for a covert look at him, not 
in envy, but thinking perhaps of the days 
we used to canter along together. Suddenly 
he drew rein and turned in the saddle. I saw 
him smile. 

For that moment, that smile put me all out 
of gear, and I sat down on a bench to think 
things over. In a little while the piebald 

333 



MRS. RADIGAN 

pony flashed by again, and I summed up the 
situation thus : 

There goes Cecil Hash, bachelor. He has 
everything to make a single life worth living. 
He thinks he is happy because he has an airy, 
roomy apartment, an ammonia refrigerator, a 
full sideboard, and a man; because he belongs 
to a half-dozen clubs, keeps a car, and a few 
hunters and polo ponies ; because he need not 
worry about money-matters so long as he ad 
heres to his simple life and limits his wants; 
because he does not have to learn any 
thing, as he is already smart. He thinks 
he is happy. He pities me. Let him smile. 
Really, he is only comfortable, thoroughly 
comfortable. 

" Come boys! " said I, rising. " Mamma 
says we must be home in time for luncheon 
to-day." 

; What are you laughing at, dad? " Deve- 
reux inquired. 

And, hang it ! I could not have told him 
whether it was Cecil Hash or J. Madison 
Mudison. 

334 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Somehow my meeting with Cecil made me 
a little discontented for the time being. It 
did seem that so long as I had not enough 
millions to be a really smart married man, I 
should do something to save the name of 
Mudison from social oblivion in the next gen 
eration, become a captain of industry and buy 
back what I had lost when I ceased to be a 
well-known bachelor and became just a well- 
to-do husband. My suggestion almost killed 
Gladys at luncheon that day. 

" But, my dear Muddy," she said kindly, 
when she had recovered her breath, " you 
are absolutely unqualified to earn a living in 
any way." 

"Are you sure?" I returned, a trifle put 
out. 

" Of course you are a Harvard man," she 
went on, " but I should not say that you were 
very well educated." 

" Simply because I had to play in the 
team," I snapped. 

" And Muddy," said she, as sweetly as 
only Gladys can, " while you have a certain 
335 



MRS. RADIGAN 

peculiar kind of intelligence, I should hardly 
say that you had brains." 

" I know all that," said I. " And for that 
very reason I am thinking of becoming a 
stock broker." 

" Oh, you might do that," said she pen 
sively. 

My wife was quite taken with the idea 
until she heard that I should have to be down 
town at ten o clock every morning and stand 
around on my feet till three, yelling continu 
ally. Down went her little foot, as only 
Gladys Mudison s can, and she declared that 
it was not a dignified business at all. 

You would only be a respectable auction 
eer," she declared. 

" But I should make a lot of money," I 
pleaded. 

" I would rather have you do without a 
few things," she retorted, " than send you 
down to that bear-garden every day." 

So my dreams of great wealth have fled me, 
and I cannot say that I am wholly sorry. I 
did suggest becoming a corporation lawyer, 
336 



MRS. RADIGAN 

but Gladys has the European idea of being 
satisfied with what you have, and she does 
not realize that in this city you must keep on 
piling up more and more or you will become 
a Knickerbocker. She told me she would 
think it over a while, and she has been think 
ing ever since, very quietly. 

Meantime I am finding consolation in 
chickens, and am looking forward to good 
sport next summer at the little box we have 
just bought down on the Wheatley Hills. 
The study of incubators alone is a life-task, 
and my mind is not quite made up as to what 
kind we shall get, but all my other plans have 
been secretly laid. Only Devereux, the eldest 
boy, knows about it, and we slipped down to 
the country day before yesterday on a pro 
specting tour. We were standing at the stable 
with the local carpenter, making estimates on 
the lumber needed for the hennery, when in 
rode Gastly and Timpey Duff, the latter on 
my old roan hunter, the homeliest and fastest 
brute that ever followed a big pack of hounds 
and a diminutive fox over Hempstead Plain. 
337 



MRS. RADIGAN 

The sight of a red coat did stir my blood, and 
though I cannot say that I looked at them 
with envy, yet it occurred to me that it would 
be mighty pleasant to be astride old Chris 
topher again, bound for the meet, as they 
were. Surely there is no sight so inspiring 
as a company of daring fellows, with the 
pack in full cry, running a ferocious ani 
mal from Dan to Beersheba. A noble 
sport ! 

" Saw you in here," said Gastly, in that 
jerky way of his. Thought you might be 
coming over for the fun." 

Now, of course, I did not intend to tell 
them my real business, that my fun in the 
future would be found in the humble and 
ignoble occupation of incubating Plymouth 
Rocks, but Devereux had to speak up and 
give it all away. 

"Huh!" said Gastly. 

" Ye gods! " said Timpey Duff. 

So they rode away, and as they turned 
through the gate Horatio leaned over and 
slapped his companion on the back. It 
338 



MRS. RADIGAN 

seemed they would both roll out of their 
saddles. 

So I am getting accustomed to being re 
garded as one dead. But there is one con 
soling thing in this unfortunately fortunate 
situation. Gladys seems confoundedly satis 
fied. When I see her happy I feel that I 
should not growl because I have had to give 
up comfort and pleasure for her sake. She 
says she was thoroughly tired of being the 
late Mrs. Underbunk, and having people, 
who did not know, condole with her as though 
she were a widow; as long as she can have 
two comfortable houses, her carriage, plenty 
of clothes, and a husband who does not drink 
too much, she thinks she should consider her 
self a lucky woman. I suppose I should con 
sider myself a lucky man, if all my old friends 
did not treat me as though I were a bore. 

For instance, we dined at the Garishes last 
night, a formal affair of twenty-four covers, 
and instead of my taking in Evelyn, as of old, 
she had Cecil Hash on one side, and on the 
other, Winthrop Jumpkin, yth, whom I made. 
339 



MRS. RADIGAN 

Gladys was at the other end with a jolly 
crowd Gastly, Garish, and the Countess of 
Less, who was Evangeline Very, and has just 
returned alone to this country from England 
for a prolonged stay. As for me, I took in 
old Mrs. Handy, somebody s poor relative, 
and had on my left Timpey Duff s deaf-and- 
dumb sister I think she was deaf and dumb, 
for she only spoke once all evening. It was 
positively the only night in my life that I have 
eaten anything at a formal dinner, and the 
single time I attracted the slightest attention 
was when I almost choked to death on a lot 
of terrapin bone that got crosswise in my 
throat. Afterward, in the smoking-room, 
Garish, Gastly, Hash, and Jumpkin, the only 
interesting men there, got off in a corner and 
talked nothing but stocks. Since my last flyer, 
that has been a delicate subject with me, and 
I sought peace basking in the benign smile of 
old Bishop Bumble, who, over his cognac, dis 
coursed, at great length, on his new scheme 
for a church race-track. He argued that as 
long as people had to have racing, it would be 
340 



MRS. RADIGAN 

best to place the control of the sport in proper 
hands. The present odds were manifestly un 
fair, he declared, and with upright bookies in 
the ring, the public could have an honest run 
for its money, which would make the track 
immensely popular and insure its success as a 
business proposition. He would allow only 
ten-per-cent. dividends on the stock of the 
operating company, and all over that would 
be set aside as a fund with which to start new 
church tracks in different parts of the coun 
try. An interesting idea, indeed. There 
were one or two points about which I wanted 
to take issue with the distinguished divine, but 
Garish began to lead the way to the drawing- 
room. 

So I was mighty glad, after I had stood 
around for ten minutes, looking at the women, 
to feel Gladys tugging at my sleeve; to 
be able to tell our hostess what a charm 
ing evening I had had; to be able to go 
home." 

As Shakespeare or Milton, or whoever it 
was, said, " There is no place like home." 
34i 



MRS. RADIGAN 

From this period of his life on, Mr. Mudi- 
son seems to devote much less of his time 
than formerly to writing down his experi 
ences, impressions, and thoughts. His diary, 
if such it could be called, becomes more frag 
mentary than ever. Particularly is he silent 
regarding the summer at Wheatley Hills. 
There is one mention of his having purchased 
an incubator, and a few thoughts on the an 
nual nuisance of moving from town to coun 
try. When he picks up his life-narrative 
again, he is back on Lexington Avenue, and 
beyond a hint that he is looking forward to 
breeding Irish terriers next year, there is no 
clew to the events of his rural life. 

The latest papers are rather disjointed. 
Mr. Mudison seems to have settled down to 
the placid existence of a well-to-do married 
man with no vocation. He has ceased either 
to act or to think. We do learn in one place, 
however, that Julius Hogginson Fairfield wed 
an actress, settled in Sioux City, and is writ 
ing two historical novels, yearly. We read in 
another place that Winthrop Jumpkin, 7th, 
342 



MRS. RADIGAN 

has married the youngest Twitter girl, and 
become president of one of the Twitter rail 
roads. There is a touch of romance in the 
disappearance of Cecil Hash, who in an evil 
moment fell in love with a poor beauty, mar 
ried, and moved to Morristown, so is known 
no more in the world. Again, there is pathos 
in this note, almost lost in a page of argument 
with Gladys on the foreign-mission question : 
" I see by the morning paper that Horatio 
Gastly led the cotillon at Mrs. Twitter s small 
dance last night a spirited cotillon dancing 
with the beautiful Miss Constance Twitter." 
It calls to mind the poor rector, but our mo 
mentary sympathy for him disappears when 
we learn later that he has gone to a broader 
field, and is comfortably settled in the Garish 
chair of moral philosophy at Hale Univer 
sity. With these facts we have taken the 
grain from a considerable mass of chaff, so 
it is hardly worth while to continue working 
over Mr. Mudison s papers unless some up 
heaval occurs to shake him out of the groove 
down which he seems to be comfortably sliding 
343 



MRS. RADIGAN 

to actual as well as social oblivion. Some day 
we shall see the flag of the Cholmondeley 
Club flying at half-mast; some day we shall 
miss the familiar figure, the dingy old man 
with a rusty silk hat, asleep in his window, 
the third window from the corner. Then 
perhaps we shall agree with him that, after 
all, it is just as well to be smart as it is to 
be famous. 



344 



By NELSON LLOYD 

THE SOLDIER 
OF THE VALLEY 

ILLUSTRATED BY A. B. FROST 

i2mo, $1.50 

"A story full of artistic quality, a story of genuine 
feeling and quiet humor, pervaded by that repose 
which is so painfully lacking in current fiction, and 
written in a style the ease and charm of which tempts 
one, when he has finished the tale, to-read it for sheer 
pleasure in its form." Hamilton W. Mabie. 

"A wholly delightful book that leaves one full of 
pleasant thoughts and that everyone must feel the 
better for having read. The characters are full of 
genuine charm and humor. A book not only to lead, 
but to keep." London Literary World. 

"It would be difficult to find anywhere in recent 
fiction a novel that is so vivid and graphic a picture 
of life. It is vital and vigorous, a human picture, 
where men and women of flesh and blood and not 
manikins move and have their being." Brooklyn Eagle. 

CHARLES SCRIBNER S SONS, New York 



By NELSON LLOYD 

THE SOLDIER 
OF THE VALLEY 

ILLUSTRATED BY A. B. FROST 
i2mo, $1.50 

"Abounding in humor and pathos." 

Pittsburg Chronicle. 

"It is safe to say that The Soldier of the Valley 
will find a host of admirers. Some will like it as a 
story. The more critical will be glad to make the 
acquaintance in its pages of a lot of very live people 
with very marked characteristics." 

New York Evening Sun. 

"A story charming in its quaint and simple rep 
resentation of life in a village community shut away 
from the outer world among the mountains, is this by 
Nelson Lloyd." Toledo (Ohio) Blade. 

"A story of unusual power and charm." 

New York Times Review. 

"Rarely is there such a combination of humor, 
pathos, and deep feeling offered in a modern tale as 
that with which the soldier s love story is told. It is 
a book destined to a host of peculiarly strong friends." 

New Orleans Picayune. 

CHARLES SCRIBNER S SONS, New York 



Date Due 




m "I Hill (If IllfflJ 



